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Miss Plumcake’s Reluctant Guide to Sexual Health: Pt 1, Your New Best Friend | Manolo for the Big Girl

Miss Plumcake’s Reluctant Guide to Sexual Health: Pt 1, Your New Best Friend

*deep sigh*

So here’s the deal. Over the years I’ve had a good number of emails in re: the more intimate side of life as a big girl and I almost never answer. I know, that makes me a Very Bad Blogger Indeed but I can’t help it.

I believe what happens behind closed doors is none of my damn business unless you’re my next door neighbor in which case pipe down Susan Lucci, no one’s gonna give you an Emmy for THAT.

Then I got to thinking about the things I wish someone had told me when I was even younger and more impressionable than I am now and decided to impart the little wisdom I’ve gathered through the ages and stages of my sexually active life.

I’m putting this behind a jump, because although I’m doing my best to keep it respectable, this is an adult adult subject matter so if you’re a delicate petal or work in a particularly strict office, you might just want to skip it.

I take sexual health –especially my sexual health– very seriously, so as long as I’ve been sexually active I’ve been sexually responsible. Like many women my age whose first experience with sex in the news was Freddie Mercury’s death, I grew up perfectly aware that sex could kill me. Yeah, I know. Happy Wednesday everybody!

So I’d always been a Trojan girl.

I was never just crazy about them, but I knew they were effective and that was the most important thing. Then early this year I was getting ready to go to Ireland and no offense to my Pope-lovin’ pals, I’m just NOT going to trust a Catholic country to provide me with adequate and effective birth control.

Enter (uh, you know what I mean) the Okamoto Crown

.

Year after year, our customers constantly rate them at the head of the class. In terms of sensitivity, reliability and comfort the Crown Skinless Skin is unmatched. Most famous for their use in adult movies, Skinless Skin are Pink Tinted and famous for being ridiculously thin yet super strong. They are manufactured in Japan by Okamoto (who also manufactures fellow World’s Best Winner Beyond Seven). He will love them because their super thin design give them a “Bareback” feeling. She will love them because they are super thin and help her feel closer to her lover. Bottom Line: It feels like you have nothing on.

Condom Depot 2011 Best Condoms Award
your new best friend

Y’all, this is a full-on Game Changer.

I literally had no idea a condom could feel like there was nothing there.

I wasn’t the only one. In fact, in the heat of the moment, if you’ll forgive the indiscretion, more than one of my fella-type friends asked if he could uh, release the kraken, because he’d forgotten there was anything there.

Now that I’m all settled down I’ve even given a dozen or so to Hot Latin Boy’s 16 year-old nephew and his girlfriend. We figured he might try the Special Imported Japanese Condoms as a sort of snob appeal, realize how great they were and with any luck, Hot Latin Boy doesn’t become a Great Uncle at 28.

Oh, they’re pink and just slightly lubricated. I don’t care one way or another about the pink and the lube level is fine for me, but I’ve read some reviews online that says you might want to add a little something extra if the situation calls for it. Anyway, it’s the only condom I’ll ever use. You’re welcome in advance.

Tomorrow: The Hair Down There

13 Responses to “Miss Plumcake’s Reluctant Guide to Sexual Health: Pt 1, Your New Best Friend”

  1. Melissa October 5, 2011 at 3:22 pm #

    OOOOOOO SEX TALK!!!!!

    I’ll try to control myself. Just had to get that out of the way.

    I just bought (and jumped to the appendix of resources in the back) the updated version of Hanne Blank’s book Big Big Love. The appendix alone is worth the cost of the book. Holy cow – great resources for plus size sexuality. I can’t recommend it enough.

  2. coffeeaddict October 5, 2011 at 4:31 pm #

    Durex for me, without exception. Preferably with fruity flavour and water based hypoallergenic lubricant (Durex as well)
    Don’t believe in the pill. And that’s all I’m going to say.

  3. Miss Plumcake October 5, 2011 at 5:06 pm #

    @Coffeeaddict: I’ve heard good things about Durex too. The only thing I want to taste like fruit is fruit, and if I wanted to have sex with one I would go back to college and look up my Freshman Formal date.

  4. Miss Plumcake October 5, 2011 at 5:08 pm #

    @Melissa: I’ve heard it’s fantastic for folks who are struggling with fat acceptance and for people whose size limits their mobility but maybe not so handy for folks who have a pretty traditional, enjoyable relationship with their bodies and their sex lives. What do you think?

  5. Margaret October 5, 2011 at 6:31 pm #

    Thanks a million Plumcake, for perpetuating the “catholic Ireland” stereotype. Contraception is widely available here, up to having family planning clinics where you can get the Morning After Pill, no questions asked. And, there are condom machines in almost every public bathroom. We’re not all still rattling the rosary beads you know.

  6. megaera October 6, 2011 at 3:16 am #

    Hmmm…I see okamoto makes non-latex condoms as well; which is good, ‘caues all years of very safe-sex got me was a latex sensitivity.

  7. SarahDances October 6, 2011 at 9:42 am #

    Question! Are these uh… sufficient… for gentlemen of more generous endowment? Or if not, do they make a more accomodating size?

    I’m uh, asking on behalf of a friend.

  8. Nemtynakht October 6, 2011 at 3:27 pm #

    It probably is worth mentioning, given the nature of this website, that the Pill is dosed for women of normal weight and may not be effective for people who are overweight.

  9. Miss Plumcake October 6, 2011 at 3:46 pm #

    @Nemtynakht: I never thought of that before. I wonder what the normal weight range is for dosing. I’m not a fan of the pill anyway but it’s very good information to have. Thanks!

  10. Devon October 6, 2011 at 5:37 pm #

    @SarahDances
    There’s another Japanese brand that makes XL condoms that are super-thin. I stock both Kimono MicroThin (fairly snug) and Kimono MicroThin XL. Their XL is not as big as the Trojan Magnum XL (the biggest one I’ve found.) It will still be a snug fit on the big guys, but it won’t be impossible to get on. Kimono is distributed all over the US, and I see them at safer sex storefronts and on many of the reputable women-run sex toy websites like Babeland ( http://store.babeland.com/safe-sex-condoms?page=2 ).

    It looks like the Crown and Beyond 7 are slightly bigger than the Kimono regular in terms of snugness:
    http://www.a-womans-touch.com/store.php?catID=4016
    (comparing them both to the one labelled “RIA”)

    Good luck to your friend!

  11. wildflower October 6, 2011 at 6:22 pm #

    @Nemtynakh, I’ve wondered that about all sorts of drugs. When my dogs need medication for some reason or another, the vet doses 1, 1.5, or 2 pills, etc, according to their weight. Why do humans not get the same level of care? Even OTC pain killers don’t mention weight; they just tell everyone to take two!

  12. Leebee October 7, 2011 at 11:15 pm #

    Miss Plumcake, you’re like the fabulous, voluptuous sister that I never had!! Thanks for all the wonderful years of fashion tips and life advice!!

  13. Smartass October 10, 2011 at 10:26 am #

    Just ordered from Condom Depot. I’m counting on you, Miss Plumcake, to turn around the most depressing Pyrrhic victory of my life.