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Miss Plumcake’s Reluctant Guide to Sexual Health #2: The Hair Down There | Manolo for the Big Girl

Miss Plumcake’s Reluctant Guide to Sexual Health #2: The Hair Down There

I think stressing over taming the topiary is sort of a young woman’s game.

The general consensus is men “expect” girls whose downton abbey looks like Atlanta after a visit from General Sherman because of porn. Now, I don’t actually believe any guy over the age of 23 can possibly be THAT clueless, but you know what?

If a guy’s understanding of sexual congress comes from repeated viewings of “White Men Can’t Hump” you probably shouldn’t be sleeping with him in the first place. That one was a freebie. You’re welcome.

Still, it’s your hair and you can do what you want with it.

I’m prone to ingrown hairs and my new beach bunny lifestyle (I think I mentioned it on twitter or Facebook, but I’m moving to a little Mexican beach town) is a lot more swimsuit intensive.

It’s also a lot more gettin’ some intensive and the pleasantness of either encounter is not enhanced by painful red bumps.

A few years ago a guy I asked a guy I worked with how he got his head so smooth. He told me he used Magic Shaving Powder, which was specially formulated for African-American men to prevent razor bumps/ingrown hairs.

I thought “hey, why not?” and now I look back upon my prior adventures in hair removal with the bitterest of laughs.

Of course the law firm of C.Y.A. & Associates requires me to tell you this product is not for use on your lady parts and should be used only as directed, so to be very clear: I am not recommending you do this, I’m just saying what I did.

Magic Shave comes in either a powder or a cream.

I use the powder because I can control the thickness of the paste and you get more bang for your buck. Scoop some powder into a bowl or plate –I use the lid from an old pint of a gelato because I’m elegant like that– and mix it with cool water until it has the texture of slightly thin toothpaste.

Spread it all over the desired area –I use the back of a plastic knife– and let that stuff percolate for a few minutes. You’re supposed to keep the area moist, so I keep a mist bottle around, but you could just put a damp paper towel atop the whole works. The directions say to leave it on 5 to 7 minutes, but I go for an even ten. Then rinse it off using the ol’ washcloth and cool water treatment.

The smell is not pleasant, but I find it a lot less offensive than Nair and at least it vanishes instead of lingering like a creepy guy at a Chuck E. Cheese ball pit the way other depilatories do.

Now here’s the clincher.

Bump Stopper 2.

Seriously gang. I don’t know what I did without it.

I just rub a teensy bit of the thick unscented cream on when I wake up and once again when I go to sleep & I’ve been ingrown-free since using it except for once and it vanished in two days. Plus I swear it stops regrowth from being itchy.

Of course you’ll want to do a test patch for both of these products first and follow all directions and wash behind your ears before you go to bed, and sit up straight get a real job and start giving me some grandchildren. I’m not going to be around forever you know.

12 Responses to “Miss Plumcake’s Reluctant Guide to Sexual Health #2: The Hair Down There”

  1. annie October 6, 2011 at 4:51 pm #

    While I lived in Hawaii, I went completely bare. Kept it that way with a daily shave in my morning shower. I too, am inclined to ingrown hairs but with my method, I never had rough bumps or ingrown hairs. Used just the soap I was washing with. A sharp blade is important. It was lovely.

    Then moved to Michigan where I let everything grow back. Heck, I’d have grown myself a fur coat if I could have!

  2. Sam October 6, 2011 at 7:56 pm #

    I seriously suggest laser.

    AMAZING. The process takes like 2-4 minutes – lasts a long time – and eventually you only have to do it 2 times a year.

    It’s just too easy! (always lived in areas that were rather beachy – and have done the shaving thing, and the waxing thing – never used the Nair or similar on anything but legs – and it didn’t work for me).

    Only downsides are it doesn’t work as well on people with light hair (that they want removed), or dark skin – and you are supposed to keep the areas out of the sun for 2 weeks before and after (so it’s best done in winter) – not a big deal for the private regions – but the outer bikini area can be more tricky…

  3. Miss Plumcake October 6, 2011 at 8:05 pm #

    @Sam: I’ve done laser elsewhere on my body, but I’m hesitant about doing it in my ladygarden.

  4. Jeni October 6, 2011 at 8:45 pm #

    I use that powder on the uber sensitive back of my thighs and it really is pretty amazing stuff. Nair burns me but that stuff has never bothered my skin and my skin like to break out and itch simply because I looked at it funny. It does smell pretty bad though.

    I have tried to shave the lady bits but the itch (and pokey stubble but mostly the ITCH) has left me with just trimming it and calling it a day. I don’t know if its ingrown hair or not but I break out into a rash that itches like Ive had some sort of indiscretion with a poison ivy plant and then I break out into weird pimple looking bumps. It ain’t attractive. Stupid question but is that ingrown hair?!?!

  5. Miss Plumcake October 6, 2011 at 9:17 pm #

    @Jeni: Most likely, yes, that indiscretion with a poison ivy plant is almost certainly the result of ingrown hair/razor bumps. That’s not a stupid question at all!

  6. coffeeaddict October 7, 2011 at 3:34 am #

    My skin is as sensitive I never use any depilatory cream, the chemicals in those things cause such redness and dry rashes I look like a survivor from Chernobyl. And that’s just the skin on my legs!
    As for my “ladygarden”, like Jeni I’m down to trimming it with a bikini trimmer and that’s it.
    When it’s swimsuit season I go for the brazilian (with the metro ticket) and try not to think I’m succumbing to some sort of porn cliche.

  7. Jeni October 7, 2011 at 8:10 am #

    Huh, I thought ingrown hair was just hair that curls back under the skin as it grows back…but (TMI) my isn’t curly and Ive never seen what looks like hair in the bumps, just looks like my “promise land” is auditioning for a pimple commercial. Maybe Ill track down the No bump stuff, see if that works.

    Thanks!

  8. Miss Plumcake October 7, 2011 at 12:27 pm #

    @Jeni: Your hair doesn’t have to be curly to have ingrown hairs. What it sounds like is a combination of razor burn and ingrown hairs. When you shave you sharpen the individual hairs into a point, making it easier for them to curve under the skin as opposed to pushing straight out. Good luck!

  9. Jeni October 7, 2011 at 8:35 pm #

    Huh, learn something new everyday. Thanks!

  10. Sam October 13, 2011 at 4:28 am #

    @Miss Plumcake – I was nervous at first and I thought – how do you explain the choice as a feminist. Then I realised how much I hate the hair trimming/waxing/shaving thing – just loath it, and for where I live, and am most like to continue living in warm climates – it just so much easier not to deal with it.

    I was also shocked at how little time it took. It gets more painful as you go along – but still doesn’t even hold a candle to waxing – and it only takes like 2/3 minutes.

    It’s worth a go or two – to see if you like it – especially if your clinic has a sale.

  11. emmme November 1, 2011 at 4:44 am #

    sooo i’m pretty slow–are either of these products actual depilatories? or do you use the shaving powder with a razor? confused…

  12. Miss Plumcake November 1, 2011 at 3:46 pm #

    Emmme – MSP is a depilatory, you absolutely do NOT use them with a razor. It’s just that you mix it with water to form the cream, as opposed to Nair and the like, which is already in liquid form (and burns more, does a worse job IMO). Magic Bump Stopper is an after-care cream, not a hair removal product.