Friends, I have been remiss. I’ve been editor of this blog since April of 1841 and during that time, I’m not sure I’ve done a whole lot to purposefully include my lady-lovin’ ladyfriends, and I know you’re out there.
I was at Saint Paul’s Episcopal Cathedral in downtown San Diego last night for Ash Wednesday services and I met a wonderful lesbian couple who had been married and whose nuptials fell victim a few days later to Prop 8.
The mind boggles. I plan on getting married at least once and the idea of having my wedded bliss yanked from me is so far off my radar I can’t even find it with GPS and a compass.
It made me think.
I know next to nothing about the lesbian big girl experience, especially not the single lesbian big girl experience. All but one of my lesbian pals are in long-term committed relationships (insert Uhaul joke here) and none of them are particularly big.
The plight of the Chubby Gay Man in the non-bear community is one I’ve heard all about (over and over and over, often while sitting next to me on the couch drinking chocolate bourbon milkshakes and watching Girls Will Be Girls) but my female friends of Dorothy are usually too busy living satisfying, productive lives in healthy, normal relationships to pour their hearts and livers out to me. Hmph.
So consider this a call for submissions. If you’ve got something to say; I want to hear it.
I usually put a hundred word limit on the comments, but for this post, have at it. Alternately, if you want to email me that’s fine too. I’ll post some of the more thought provoking comments either tomorrow or next week.
Oh, I’ll be monitoring the comments carefully, so visiting trolls might as well give up now.
I identify as queer. I have dated and been in long term relationships (and all that entails) with equal numbers of men and women. I am also plus-sized. My experience has been about the same in both dating communities. GLBTQ women can be just as fat-phobic as hetero men. At the same time, there are plenty of GLBTQ women who are inclusive of fat beauty. . .Just like there are plenty of hetero men who love us plus size ladies. I’ve been to lady bars where I’ve felt heavily scrutinized (usually ones with a big pick up scene) and I’ve been to lady bars where I’ve felt totally celebrated (usually bars with a big drag scene). Overall, in my opinion, I think about 90% of whom you attract reflects how you feel about yourself. ;)
Comment by Ms. Amy — February 24, 2012 @ 1:06 am
I’m bi, and I’ve also dated both genders in roughly equal numbers.
Maybe I’m just tuning out the hate, but it’s roughly the same on both sides. Some people are not sexually into fat people, and some people just don’t click – and that’s fine, but it’s never broke out into outright hostility.
I’ve got more hate from lesbians for being bisexual. It’s one of those things where *some* think they can become quite aggressive (I had one date – female – that was going well until I mentioned that I’m bi, and she then told me I had a “predatory mental disorder”) and/or think they can ask really personal questions about my sex life.
But they’re always in the minority.
Being fat and Not-Hetro has never been a big deal. Things like personality, how you hold yourself and taking care of yourself, as well as staying out of certain situations (I never go to male gay bars anymore, simply because I get groped so much and they’re so sanctimonious when they’re called out on it) mean more than weight. In my experience.
Comment by Liz — February 24, 2012 @ 4:26 pm
To be honest, I never noticed the lack of Non-Hetro material here. I just assumed the relationship stuff on the site was for straight women, and stayed away from the relationship stuff.
I went elsewhere to talk about my relationships with women because I didn’t want to be That Troll who sulked that anyone on the internet dared write something not aimed at her.
Comment by Liz — February 24, 2012 @ 4:42 pm
As a 10 year member of the U-Haul set, I don’t have a lot of experience with the single lesbian scene. I think lesbians are in general a bit more accepting of different body types and styles, moreso the older we get. There’s also a lot more intersectionality between lesbian feminists and fat acceptance, especially in fetish circles. But then, there are the younger/outdoorsy/sporty/Bebier-esque stereotypes where fat just doesn’t seem to fit. I don’t know, but I’m just glad that if I ever end up single again, I’m past 30 and won’t have to worry about impressing the 22 year old boi toys! (Side note: I’ve found the butch identified ladies/bois to be overall more fat-loving than the femme/androgyne leaning women.)
Comment by Kate — February 25, 2012 @ 12:24 am
I’m bisexual also, and I’ve experienced much of the same that Liz has. I’ve never caught flack from lesbians for being fat, but I’ve been treated terribly for having had the gall to date men. The popular assumption is that bisexuals get “the best of both worlds” when in reality we get lots of hostility and prejudice.
I actually wonder if my size has made my bisexuality easier to accept for men, since I don’t fit the visual stereotype of the college student who kisses girls for male attention. Maybe it helps them be more able to see my sexuality for what it is instead of assuming that I’m eager to jump into a three-way.
From a fashion standpoint, while I happen to be quite femme, I do think it would be nice to read about menswear-inspired looks. It can be harder to pull off a crisp button down with a tie when you have breasts and a tummy getting in the way.
Comment by RB — February 25, 2012 @ 5:03 pm
I am not quite sure how to ask this politely, so I am just going to throw it out there:
1: How is being “queer” different from being on of the other LGBT designations?
2: What is meant by the Uhaul joke?
I am not trying to be naive or rude- I really want to know.
I am 100 % supportive of LGBT rights- I think, frankly, it is ridiculous that we are still having the same gender marriage debates. People are people- Period, end of story. As long as marriage takes place between consenting adults, why should there be laws to try and stop the marriage. I don’t think we should write discrimination into the Constitution. I also think we should all be able to have access to the employment we are qualified for and desire to have, again- discrimination should be outlawed. I also scratch my head at churches who want to shut people out based on anything- aren’t churches/houses of worship the place to go to feel safe, loved and forgive? I believe in the radical idea that All people are created in God’s image and therefor are deserving of love, respect, forgiveness and peace.
I just don’t know how a queer is different from the other LGBT identifiers- or what is meant by the uhaul joke… Can someone explain?
Peace-
I am just
Comment by Kimks — February 26, 2012 @ 2:45 pm
i’m bi and fat, but i don’t know if i have a lot to say about it. it was harder when i was in undergrad and basically not allowed into the queer “scene” because i was neither a well-dressed, snarky gay man nor a skinny, androgynous dyke, nor was i interested in joking-but-not games of giving and taking away “queer points.” now, well, i’m still not getting any, but i do have queer friends of various shapes and sizes who are way less teenagery about our identities.
Comment by abby — February 26, 2012 @ 3:54 pm
#2. The u-haul joke: what do lesbians do on their second date? Rent a u-haul and move in together. It’s a comment on how quickly women move from attraction to forming commitments. (i.e. it goes faster when there are two women looking for a relationship rather than one party who is assumed to want his freedom/sex/no commitment to hold off on the settling down. )
#1 Don’t an academic this question. The world will get very bleary. But those who who would like to be allies to LGBT, queer can be thought of as a catch-all label that captures the notion of a fluidity gender/sexuality approach where you don’t necessarily identify as *solely* L, G, B, or T, or you just aren’t that into labels. You’re just you, and you’re different.
Hope that helps.
Comment by Lisa from SoCal — February 28, 2012 @ 4:25 am
THANKS!
Comment by Kimks — March 2, 2012 @ 1:12 am