Manolo for the Big Girl

I sort of have a problem with wedges. They’re kind of…clompy. Not all of them of course, but some of them and it’s hard for me to be my naturally graceful, gazelle-like self when I’m stomping around like a Clydesdale. My mission this summer is to give wedges a chance. The way I figure it is if Miuccia Prada can force herself to do an entire (brilliant) lace collection for Fall because she hates lace, I can get over myself long enough to give those clompy bastards sturdier shoes a chance.

These woven leather creatures from Isabella Lorusso are just perverse enough for me to like them. I think it’s the black flowers. I mean, they shouldn’t work, but somehow I think they would. It would be one of those shoes where you’d leave the house and go “Yeah, I’m wearing giant red patent leather wedges with sod-all black flowers on them and I look fantastic. Do you have a problem with that?” I feel like they’d want a black dress and shortie gloves and a cherry-stained cigarette for maximum effect. They’re $109 at YOOX. Why not give ‘em a try and report back to your pal Plummy?

Marc, poodle, sugarlump, this:

This is Not Good.

This will end in heartache and bruises, and not in the worthwhile “hey at least I got a good job reference out of it” way. I’m not exactly sure what you’re trying to do here because I can promise you that ain’t nobody walking in these shoes. Remember those fantastic perspex heel jobbers from the same season?

The ones I bought because they were so fantastically NOT me that I just had to have them? Those don’t even stand up by themselves, they’re so poorly balanced.

I love a high-sloped heel as much as the next girl, but at some point the laws of physics do come into play and these and no amount of silver metallic leather is going to change that.

Pull it together Marc and give us some shoes we can actually wear, because honestly, if I wanted to spend time with something painful and expensive that can’t stand upright I’d stop avoiding my grandmother’s calls.

HA Hahahahahaha ha ha ha ha.

No.

Oh my fellow fools for foulards! I had no idea there were so many of you who want to wear scarves but either didn’t know how or don’t feel confident wearing them. I love scarves like a tranny loves duct tape and you, you are my people!

One of the brilly things about scarves is that you don’t need to drop serious bank to get a good one. Sure I’ve got my vintage YSL mousseline and my beloved Hermès that I refuse to wear when I might be around dirt or water or air or, um, people, but I love my five-dollar thrift store finds just as much (well, almost) as the $400 ones and just because the hems aren’t rolled between the thighs of Provençal maidens doesn’t mean it can’t look chic.

But how to wear them?

If, like me, you were not blessed with a gracile neck (or more appropriately were blessed with a gracile neck which you keep safely protected under a gentle cascade of chins) then the standard snug neck wrap isn’t going to be the most flattering look.

Try these three less-intimidating looks instead:

Headscarf. British Vogue just had an article on how this is coming back into style. Frankly for girls with heart-shaped faces it never went out. Fold a square scarf diagonally and then fold the wide end over several times until the triangle is an attractive size for your melon. Tie it wrong side down over your face like a bandit, then flip it up and adjust. I find this works best with thin silk scarves as they grip better than thick ones. If you have a problem keeping them in place either use a hat pin or, less excitingly, a bobby pin. Clip on a good pair of earrings and pay attention to your eye makeup. Of course if you’re really daring, tie the ends around your neck Grace Kelly-style. Personally, I find it a bit costumey unless you’re actually driving a classic convertible.

Gypsy Belt. Fold on the diagonal and tie the small ends around your waist, centering the broad point over your hip. This is particularly good for pears and I love it beyond reason because a) I’m excited when anything can go around my waist. b) it’s a chic, flattering and unexpected way to dress up an otherwise boring dress. Tie it a little higher and tighter than you’d want to naturally, it’ll stretch throughout the day.

Ascot. I like this because it’s traditional but not quite as contrived-looking as some of the other neck styles, plus you can wear it a bit lower, which doesn’t make those of us who are fat of face look like we’re being garotted. Take the diagonal opposite scarf points and fold them towards each other, overlapping and folding back until you have a long rectangle about 5″ wide with pointed ends loosely tie around your neck, bringing one end over the other and spreading so it looks like, well, an ascot. Oh here, just look at the picture. For more fun with scarves, click here and go to playtime with your scarf to download the two-part Hermès .pdf. Happy weekend everybody, tie one on for me!

I’m turning 29 next month. Twenty-nine is practically thirty and means I am just that much closer to finally Living The Dream. The Dream being, of course, to actually be able to carry off the jeweled turban. I even bought one, a 1958 Dior jobber in aqua silk satin. I try it on every few months and each time I put it back in its box, muttering “not yet.”

It was once said that to wear Dior you had to have a waist, but to wear Balenciaga you had to have a personality. Some clothes and accessories (an Hermès scarf, an Aquascutum bag) just demand the inner swagger of life experience that sweet young things –bless their hearts– simply don’t have.

Francesca and Plumcake want to know:

If you’re a woman of a certain age, what can you wear now that you couldn’t wear before? For our younger gals, is there anything –like my jeweled turban– that you love but just feel you’re too young to wear? Let us know AND if you’ve had the joy of finally aging into something, tell us about that, too!

So yesterday I wrote a post about the Prada pre-fall, and it mysteriously disappeared! I’m not blaming anyone, but I have it on good authority that a certain notoriously jealous and high-collared whackadoo whose name may or may not rhyme with Snarl Globberfeld got so mad when he found out La Miuccia got to outfit the actual PRINCE OF DARKNESS he bit his pet marmoset and had to take to his bed for a week.

The post went a little something like this “blah blah blah concept of pre-fall blah blah blah fry a chicken on a sidewalk blah blah Miuccia Prada is a goddess” and then something about Neiman Marcus and probably a self-deprecating bit about my inability to maintain healthy human relationships because I’m a fundamentally empty person with $20,000 worth of shoes that hurt my feet and a gaping void in my soul.

or, um, you know, something.

Anyhoodle, what I wanted you to do was check out these little delicately ruffled two-piece from Prada’s pre-fall collection. They’re available now and gives just that little something extra to a pair of basic black sandals.

I love the sandals and you’d probably get a ton of wear out of them but personally I’m holding out for La Maestra’s real Fall/Winter goodness.

These over-the-top darlings have been in my stylebook since February and I know the moment I saw them that they –especially the ones with the big sculptural ruffles– are going to be all over the darn place in just a few months.

Because I don’t wear a 39.5.

Miu Miu bi-color satin pumps under $200 smackeroonies, at net-a-porter.

Oh, and SPEAKING of Prada remember how yesterday I showed you those wacky ruffle shoes that I’ve loved since February and said were going to be all over the place? Check out this month’s Harper’s and remember who told you first.

Slightly odd Big Question today, which occurred to me on my way toodling around town and listening to the radio. Living in “The Live Music Capital of the World” as I do, it’s hard to throw a rock without hitting some form of musician or other. Not that I’m entirely sure why you’d want to throw rocks, or, once you decided to throw them you wouldn’t want to hit a musician –they seem as good a target as any– but there you have it. Austin is simply filled to the brim with musicians. Thus, the young Austin woman needs be extra vigilant if she does not want to date a strummer of chords of banger of drums. My mother always told me not to date musicians or guys with vans. Oh if only I had listened to her.

Still, I can’t help thinking that not all musicians would be terrible partners. I bet Elvis Costello and I would totally get along –at least if I managed not to stroke out when I met him– and I’m almost entirely sure that I would give my hot pink Diors for just two hours of digitally recorded conversation with Keith Richards. On the other hand I bet Lou Reed (whom I’ve loved à la distance for years) would kinda be a jerk and Leonard Cohen would give me the inexplicable creeps.

Francesca and Plumcake want to know:

Are there musicians or other celebrities you think you’d be friends with if you two met? Is there anyone you love to watch or hear but wouldn’t ever want to share a cocktail with? Do you want to know your favorite musicians or would it just ruin the mystery? Do tell!

“Why don’t you ever do flats? Why don’t you ever recommend shoes Real People can afford? Why did you stab my grandmother in the neck when she said your silver Marc Jacobs sandals with the faceted perspex heels made you look like some sort of intergalactic crime-fighting space tranny?” Whine whine whine.

Here! Here are your frickenfracken flats! They’re a great color, I love the designer, the frayed edges (don’t worry, they’re finished) and slightly Moroccan cut to the throat do a great job of keeping a potentially overly precious satin slipper from being too cutesy AND it’s on a great big honkin’ sale. What more do you want from me?

PLUS there are oodles and oodles of other cute flats from Delman a gorgeous formal skimmer from Valentino and lots of other flat-footed finds. HAPPY NOW??? I CAN ONLY GIVE SO MUCH. **dramatic faint**

Now someone needs to fetch me a cool compress for my forehead. Mama needs a nip and a lie-down.

Edit: And anyone wants to gnash their teeth about $136 still being OMG SO EXPENSUV !!11!! should feel free to visit any of the 1,04,000 sites that google says specialize in “cheap footwear” or perhaps any of the 2,230,000 under “child labor shoes.” It’s about investment.

Animal print is tricky but how Anne Bancroft is this silk bateau-neck shift from Anne Klein New York?
I particularly love the back detail and because Anne Klein does great silk it’s going to move like the dreamiest of dreams. For the girls who celebrates her right to bare arms, this is perfect as it is, but for the more gun shy among us a little cardi will be right at home. Best part? Just the teensiest breath over $100.00

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