Manolo for the Big Girl Fashion, Lifestyle, and Humor for the Plus Sized Woman.

June 23, 2010

Shoe Month! The Ones That Got Away

Filed under: Absolutely Fabulous,Jewelry,Shoes,The Daily Kick — Miss Plumcake @ 8:00 am

Okay, so PERHAPS I got a little worked up about yesterday’s shoe and the snake-related family trauma it evoked (although how cute was it that my little brother made a guest appearance in defense of the snakes?). It’s time for a palate cleanser, taking the best of Monday’s disco inferno and combining it with the old school elegance of exotic skins.

siiiiiiigh

These? These are the Ones That Got Away.

I mean, this is pretty much everything I love in a shoe for me me me. Solid heel, crocodile –technically it’s calf, but it’s a really good treatment– a platform, a heel cup, ankle strap, pretty pretty jewelry and emeralds! (almost!)

I would buy them just for the ornament.

I know I make fun of Giuseppe Zanotti for making some really bad shoes, but these are right up my alley, in my wheelhouse and singing me lullabies.

they’re not inexpensive, but I’d sell a kidney (well, not my OWN kidney, but how much can a roofie and sixteen bags of ice cost, anyway?) to even have the chance to buy them at retail, much less at 43%  off.

May 14, 2010

Friday Fierceness: Ms Lena Horne

Filed under: Absolutely Fabulous,Friday Fierceness,Movies,Music — Miss Plumcake @ 3:18 pm

It’s always seemed unfair to me that the definitive version of Lena Horne‘s signature song “Stormy Weather” wasn’t recorded by Lena Horne. I knew Stormy Weather was associated with Horne from her movie of the same name, but to me, The Great Recording had always been Etta James‘ version off her seminal 1961 release At Last!.

A few days ago I sent out an email to a whole mess of music writer friends –either critics or musicians– and asked them who cut the definitive recording of Stormy Weather. Out of two dozen, only two said Lena Horne. Number one with a bullet was Etta James, followed by Dinah Washington, Billie Holiday and Ella Fitzgerald. Interestingly, no one mentioned Ethel Waters, for whom the song was written in 1933.

Lena Horne wasn’t a truly great actress, her voice was wonderful but nothing compared to Ella or Billie or Dinah. What she had was passion. She was ferocious in a wonderful, wild way that seemed to simmer just below the surface, as if a thin veneer of sequins and self control was the only thing keeping her from eviscerating you with her teeth, not because she was wicked, but because that’s just what wild things do.

For whatever her shortcomings were as a vocalist –and often said she hated to sing– her energy in a cabaret or theater setting was legendary. I remember watching her at the Kennedy Center when she reprised her Broadway hit, Lena Horne: The Lady and Her Music…she must’ve been about 70 at the time and shook down practically to the floor in her slinky floor-length gown.

“Yeah, Lena” she purred “but can you get back up?”

So today we celebrate Lena Horne, actress, cabaret star, civil rights activist, fascinating multi-faceted woman and ultimate Fierceness.

Lena Horne 2

–“Don’t be afraid to feel as angry or as loving as you can, because when you feel nothing, it’s just death. ”

–“I’m not alone, I’m free. I no longer have to be a credit, I don’t have to be a symbol to anybody; I don’t have to be a first to anybody.”

Lena Horne publicity still

–“Always be smarter than the people who hire you.” (editor’s note: unless the people who hire you happen to be the lovely and handsome Manolo. Gosh you’re looking dapper today, Boss!)

–“It’s not the load that breaks you down: It’s the way that you carry it.”

Lena Horne 3

–“You have to be taught to be second class; you’re not born that way.”

–“I really do hate to sing.”

Lena Horne publicity still

–“I was unique in that I was a kind of black that white people could accept. I was their daydream. I had the worst kind of acceptance because it was never for how great I was or what I contributed. It was because of the way I looked.”

–“It’s ill-becoming for an old broad to sing about how bad she wants it. But occasionally we do.”

LenaHorne5

April 24, 2010

What’s So Awesome About You?

There’s been something in the air of late. The first inkling I got was when my esteemed colleague wrote about how to take a compliment, already. And seriously, if you haven’t read it go do so right now. It’s a wonderful and important article we all should read.

But then I saw this post on Shapely Prose, which should also be required reading. Warning, the language is far saltier there than it is here. We are PG, SP is hard R. Just so’s you know what you’re getting yourself in for. And this isn’t the only place I’ve seen this concept. It’s starting to float around the Fatosphere in a big way, and I – for one – am completely in favor of it.

If you haven’t gone to see what the concept is, it happens to be standing up to be counted as brilliant at something, no apologies.

So here are a few things that make me, Twistie, pretty darn fabulous:

I’m a terrific self-taught cook and baker. In over forty years of baking, I have never made a bad pie crust. I can put together a good meal out of unlikely resources. If you come to Casa Twistie, chances are you will not leave hungry.

Over the course of the last three years or so, I have overcome my lifelong phobia of dogs. No longer do I quail in the face of corgis. Not only that, I have been adopted by my neighbor’s chihuahua and another friends’ tribe of rotts. I still approach strange dogs with caution, but the sight of a perfectly well-behaved small dog on a short leash no longer fills me with such panic that I have to cross the street.

Cats and small children instinctively trust me.

I taught myself to make bobbin lace and made all eleven yards of lace for my own wedding gown.

I can find the upside or the funny in almost any situation, and get the joke across to someone else.

I come up with quips and aphorisms off the top of my head that people assume were written by someone famous.

I have had people literally stop me in public places to tell me how fabulous I am. You can’t ask for better proof of awesome than that, can you?

When I sing out loud, I can be heard half a block away without benefit of a microphone.

So what about all of you? I want you to come right out and tell me what’s so special about you, and I want it without quibbles, apologies, or caveats. Be proud of yourselves.

April 20, 2010

Five Great Lessons from Finishing School: Part 1, The Way I Walk

Filed under: Absolutely Fabulous,Elements of Style,Five Great... — Miss Plumcake @ 2:30 pm

As I mentioned yesterday is has been raining in Austin for the past three days, which is like a year and a half in Texas time, and since the Volvo is in the shop I have been partaking in the varied smells and delights of public transportation.

Now you’d think I would be anti-bus, what with me hating poor people and the environment and all, but you would be wrong; I heart the bus.

See, deep down (okay, not that deep down) I’m one of those Southerners who will have a conversation with anybody about anything (as long as it’s decent) and there are few things that give me more delight than asking how someone’s mama is.  Sometimes I ask even if I don’t really know the person, because they won’t know they haven’t said anything and odds are if you live in the South, you will ALWAYS have a story about your mama.

So that part of the bus is awesome, as is getting exercise first thing in the morning.  The part I do not relish is getting caught in the rain.

One might suspect that a girl who collects silk umbrellas wouldn’t get caught without one very often. Well, one would be wrong. Sometimes I’ll remember to take an umbrella, but odds are I’ll leave it somewhere.  If the homeless citizenry of Austin have, on average, a posher collection of parapluies  than the average city it’s mostly because I have personally bumbershot them all myself.  See also: Ray-Ban Classic Wayfarers (in tortoiseshell, if you please).

That being said, if you DO get caught in the rain there is an excellent life lesson to be learned (and it’s not “stop forgetting your stupid umbrella, you dingdong.”)

Walk gracefully in the rain.

I know, I know, it doesn’t make any sense, but trust me. Shoulders back, head up (like that little neck scrunch is going to do a darn thing to keep you dry anyway) determined –or at least not miserable– look and purposeful steps.

The moral of the story is this:

If you can walk with dignity in the rain, you can walk with dignity anywhere.

You can walk with dignity when you’ve been entirely humiliated by an ex-boyfriend, you can walk with dignity when you’ve been turned down for a promotion or laid off. You can walk with dignity even if you’ve just show the publisher of your newspaper your rear-end (festooned with Laundry Day Undies) because it’s the ONE FREAKIN’  DAY you forgot to wear a slip. You can walk with dignity and command a room before you even open your mouth if you’re called on to make a speech, and for safety reasons, you can walk with dignity down a dark street at night and make potential baddies think twice about messing with you.

How many of us really pay attention to our walks? And yet they say so much. Remember that scene in Pretty Woman when Julia Roberts lopes like a linebacker through the hotel lobby? Or Mister Humphries adorable mince in Are You Being Served?  What about John Wayne in pretty much everything? Just as much –perhaps more– than clothing, your walk defines how people see you and what’s better: it doesn’t cost a dime.
And for a little added tuition in the ambulatory arts, let’s hear from Professor Lux Interior and the rest of The Cramps playing The Way I Walk, live at Napa State Mental Hospital, 1978.

April 16, 2010

The Night the Lights Went Out in Georgia

Filed under: Absolutely Fabulous — Miss Plumcake @ 12:44 pm

The greatest two minutes twenty-seven seconds of television history, courtesy of  Ms Julia Sugarbaker, played by the glorious Dixie Virginia Carter who died last Saturday.

A guy pal of mine knows he’s had Too Much when he can’t recite “A Boy Named Sue” in its entirety in under two minutes.  Another friend does the salient parts of The Wife of Bath in Middle English. Me? It’s this scene, which is always good for applause and at least one free drink at pretty much any self-respecting gay bar in the developed world.

They just don’t write parts like that for women anymore.  Sigh. We’ll miss you, Dixie.

March 10, 2010

Mo’Nique’s Oscar Speech (and her dress)

Filed under: Absolutely Fabulous,Movies — Miss Plumcake @ 1:39 pm

Do you know my favorite thing about Mo’Nique’s near-inevitable (and strangely controversial) Oscar acceptance?

I
Loved
Her
Walk.

She took that stage like a queen, like she knew she had every right in the WORLD to be there and she was going to own every.single.minute of it. She wasn’t falsely humble. She turned out a great performance, went about her business and when she won the award for which she did not campaign (thus the comment about the performance vs. politics) she walked up in a $400 off-the-rack gown and accepted the accolades she earned. She was emotional, but composed, and in an homage to Hattie McDaniel –the first African American to win an Academy Award– wore a sapphire dress and a gardenia in her hair.

As Kate Harding wrote in Salon:

It was about being there as a credit to her profession, not her race or her gender or her size or the sisterhood of hairy-legged comics in open marriages, or whatever else people want her to represent. It was about unapologetically standing up for herself and her performance in a way Hattie McDaniel never could have. It worked, and she earned it.

January 28, 2010

You Asked for It: The 12 Months of Cocktails, pt 1

Filed under: Absolutely Fabulous — Tags: — Miss Plumcake @ 3:03 pm

Several readers have contacted me over the years with questions about cocktails, and I try to oblige. When, a few weeks ago, there were several comments about my 12 Months of Cocktails email, I decided to do a mini-tutorial on the wonderful world of cocktailing.

A few notes before we begin:

Traditionally a cocktail is –at bare minimum– a base spirit plus a liqueur.  There are some folks who believe it isn’t a cocktail unless it has a base spirit, a sweetener (usually in the form of a liqueur) and a sour balance (lemon, bitters, whatever) but that’s a little fiddly for our purposes.

I don’t subscribe to the “something AND something” as being a proper cocktail. Which isn’t to say they aren’t glorious, just they don’t really need recipes.  My grandmother’s recipe for a Cape Cod was a glass of vodka and just enough cranberry juice to make it red enough to drink before breakfast.
About the Equipment:

You will need a jigger, a strainer, a muddler and a cocktail shaker. You can fudge on most of those things except the strainer, which you really do need, but seriously, you’re a grown-up: Buy a proper bar set.

Having a Mexican-style lime squeezer is also dead handy but a word to the wise: Avoid plastic. Get the heaviest one you can find, mine is cast iron and enamel and probably set me back eight bucks.

lime squeezer
This one is aluminum and enamel and should do the trick nicely

About the Booze:

You get out of it what you put in, so use top shelf if you can.  For reference, my preferred spirits for cocktails are:

Vodka: Tito’s. If unavailable: Chopin

Bourbon: Basil Hayden’s. If unavailable: Maker’s Mark

Gin: Hendrick’s. If unavailable: Move

Dark Rum: Pusser’s British Navy Dark

Light Rum: use Cachaça instead, I prefer Leblon

Blended Whisky: Cutty Sark

Cognac: Hennessy VSOP

You’ll also need: Dry vermouth, sweet vermouth, bitters, a few selected liqueurs –make one of them  orange-flavored: I prefer Cointreau– and a few lemons on hand.

The Only Gin I'll Ever Really Love

About the Terminology:

Most cocktail patois is pretty self-explanatory. Here are a few words that aren’t.

Rocks Glass: also known as an old fashioned glass, it’s a low, heavy-based tumbler used for most cocktails.

Neat: A drink –usually shaken with ice– strained into a glass, as opposed to “on the rocks” which is with ice, though not the ice you used in the shaker.

Up: The same as neat, but served in a stemmed glass.

Perfect: A “perfect” cocktail is generally one where there is equal measures of two main ingredients. For example, while THE perfect martini depends on how you prefer your drink, A perfect martini is equal parts gin and dry vermouth.

Shake: Lots of recipes call for shaking a cocktail, but for how long? Until a frost forms on the outside of the metal shaker. Always.

a rocks or Old-Fashioned glass, sometimes called a lowball

On to the recipes!

I’ve selected each cocktail for a month where the weather generally suits it, or for a particular holiday when it is traditionally enjoyed.  There’s nothing saying you can’t drink a Rusty Nail in August and a Caipirinha in mid-December.

January – The “Perfect” Rusty Nail

Celebrate the birth of Robert Burns –one of Scotland’s great products– with two of its other top-notch exports: Scotch whisky and Drambuie, a heather honey liqueur, a deceptively vile sounding name for a smooth, comfort cocktail.

“Perfect” Rusty Nail

1 1/2 oz blended Scotch
1 1/2 oz Drambuie

Combine in a shaker full of ice and strain into a rocks glass. Garnish with a twist of lemon. For something a little less sweet, play with the proportions of Scotch and Drambuie. A popular modern recipe is 3 parts Scotch to 1 part Drambuie.

February – Manhattan

2 oz  bourbon
1/2 oz sweet vermouth (that’s the red stuff)
dash bitters

Prepare as for a Rusty Nail. If you missed honoring the Scots back in January, replace the bourbon with Scotch whisky and you’ve got a Rob Roy. For my Ruby Manhattan recipe, click here.

March – Old-Fashioned
Ever wanted to know why those short tumblers are called “old-fashioned glasses”? It’s because of this cocktail, so really, you must serve it in one.

In an old fashioned glass, douse a single sugar cube in bitters. Add a splash of soda water and muddle until the cube is nicely broken up. Not too much soda, mind you, just enough to get things sloppy. Fill glass with ice, top off with whiskey, preferably rye. Garnish with an orange wedge and a maraschino cherry. Note: Some folks prefer more club soda, these people are probably Communists and beat their mothers.

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