Manolo for the Big Girl

And Joy has released the next “Fat Rant” video! Look, listen, and learn:

Ha! “No, but the night is young.” Ha!

Francesca loves the dresses which Joy is wearing at 0:42 and at 2:10.

But most of all, she loves the model of gracious and educational behavior at 2:45. As an Apple, Francesca is often asked by small children whether she “has a baby in her tummy,” and Francesca simply answers “no, sweetheart, I’m just fat.” Children normally will accept the truth without much comment if they can tell that that’s what it is. Grownups, on the other hand . . .

Oh, dear, dear Plumcake.

She once said, of some Stuart Weitzman pumps I had recommended, that they would make the wearer look like a Russian prostitute.

On second thought, I secretly wondered whether she might be correct. But I did not say so because she may have gone out to celebrate my surrender with a toast, and we all know what happens when Plumcake has a “nip.”

But there! She has the stylish taste and the amusing sarcasm, so we love her and make sure to surreptitiously take away her car keys.

But! But! Back to the subject at hand: The beautiful clothes and shoes. Francesca must say: The only people, in Francesca’s opinion, who should wear “ballet” shoes are the ballet dancers. This is Francesca’s two cents; you can take it or leave it, of course.

When shopping for flats, Francesca enjoys perusing the wares of  Taryn Rose.

We have hear the very nice “Vivi” sandals

and the sweet saddle-inspired “Burda”

It is true that these shoes are beyond the budget of many of our readers. Plumcake and Francesca are of the same mind that it is best to save one’s money and buy the best-quality shoe that one can possibly afford, and then to take excellent care of the shoes and get many years of use from them. Still, $400 or $200 or $130 may be but a wistful dream for many, many of the wonderful women who come here every day. And that is alright.

You are superfantastic whether you can afford expensive shoes or not.

Francesca (and Plumcake, too, deep in her wooden heart) hope that what our readers take from our little blog experience is a smile, and fashion confidence,  and the few moments taken from one’s day to look at beautiful things. We know that you are doing the very best you can, with the budget you have, to make your outside look every bit as beautiful as your inside. And that is what makes you superfantastic!

When you watch a lot of daytime television, you see waaaaaaayyyyyy too many ads for diet pills, plots…er…plans, herbal suppliments, and, well, you get the idea. The televisions screams at all of us that we’re Fat! We’re Lazy! We’re Undisciplined! We’re going to Diiiiiiiiiiiieeeeeeeeee!

Yeah, right.

There’s one, however, that ticks me off more than all the others combined. Slimshots. I’m not going to link to their site because I wouldn’t want to encourage anyone to support this company.

What’s so horrible about this one in the midst of all the other companies telling us we’re ugly and inadequate all day long and through the night? It’s the angle their ads take. They ask us all what we could accomplish if only we ate 30% less food every day.

(more…)

The trouble with telling people that you write about fashion is that people automatically ask you what you think about their outfits, and that can end in heartache, and by “heartache” naturally I mean “an entire weekend spent with twelve ounces of the finest porterhouse strapped on your recently rearranged face.”

Do not, under any circumstance heed the old chestnut “unless you have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all” for this will end in heartache as well.  Not saying anything when confronted by a big girl who –from the tip of her Bjork mini-bunned head to the bottom of her  beskulled stirrup-panted feet– is the hottest hot mess in the tri-county area will always fail.

Would that I had listened to my own advice. Thankfully, I escaped what our friend Billy S.  refers to as a “predestinate scratched face”  but not by much.

Which brings me to my second point: unless you are currently straddling a horse, stirrup pants = no.

Until a few days ago, had you bet me cash money that you could go into a store and emerge with a pair of stirrup pants I would have taken your bet and planned all sorts of vainglorious and complicated victory dances plus an array of remarks involving “your mom” to be performed upon my certain triumph.

Yet somehow they are making a resurgence. Who? Who are these people? Do they not know what pants are? Did my 5th grade closet become some sort of sacred shrine without me knowing? And most importantly, if stirrup pants are back, how far away can we possibly be from puffpaint sweatshirts, multiple Swatches and, God help me, butt bows?

The lip, she quivers.

A reader from Portland, Oregon writes:

Dear Francesca,

 I am a poor working girl who saves her money to buy nice clothes. My wardrobe is not very big, but what it is in my closet is carefully chosen and sometimes hard-earned. Unfortunately, even the best-quality clothes wear out eventually. I have beautiful skirts whose hems are fraying after several years, a jacket with fraying wrists, and a few items with missing buttons  (which went missing after I’d already used the extra buttons that came with the shirts, to replace other buttons which had gone missing). And let’s not talk about the zippers, which I seem to abuse more than normal. Is there any way to hide these flaws? I hate to get rid of clothes that cost so much and which I used to wear constantly, until the constant wear started to show. Help!

 Frayed at the Edges

 Dear Frayed,

 Good for you for picking a few items from which you get much use! That is, ultimately, the best use of your money. It is far better to buy a $100 skirt which you will wear 50 times (at $2 per wearing) than a $30 skirt which you will wear twice (at $15 per wearing). Francesca does wonder what you are doing to those buttons and zippers – perhaps you need a cup of coffee in the morning before you get dressed? — But, as you say, even the best purchases eventually will show their age, even if you are very gentle and careful.

 Francesca cannot repeat often enough: Make friends with a seamstress! All of the clothing you mentioned can be saved.

 First, the buttons: Get thee to a store which sells pretty buttons, and replace ALL the buttons on those shirts. Francesca once did this, replacing plain black velvet buttons on a wool winter coat with fancy gold ones, and many of her friends asked where she had purchased her new coat. Remember to buy extra buttons for future emergencies!

 Second, the hems. There are two possibilities here. First, a seamstress may be able to “roll” the hem without too much deleterious effect. It will make the skirts a little shorter, but if they are not already very short, this may not matter.  Second, is the possibility of hiding the flaws in the hems. Depending on the design, you may be able to replace the material (for example, if the jacket has a decorated wrist which can be removed and replaced with other fabric) or with ribbons or lace. Get thee to your nearest fabric store and have fun!

Third, zippers are quite easy to replace; bring the item to the fabric store and ask for replacement zippers. If you are handy with a sewing machine you can replace them yourself, or your seamstress can do it for not too much money – certainly less than the cost of  replacing the skirt!

 It is worthwhile to spend a little money at the fabric store than to spend much, much more money at the fancy clothing boutique.

Happy mending!

Xoxo,

Francesca

I’m worried about your eyebrows.

Well, not your eyebrows in particular, which I’m sure are gorgeous and not at all like mine which currently look like two lovelorn caterpillars yearning to become one, but the state of eyebrows in general and on big girls, especially young ones, in particular.

They seem to be going away and that concerns me. Everywhere I turn it seems that women are plucking their eyebrows into tiny squiggles that look like –and I’m sure you’ll pardon my indelicacy– the “boy” part of the boy-meets-girl part of the fertilization story. Not alluring.

What’s the story? Why are women giving themselves the facial version of The Lower Lindsay? It’s a puzzlement.

Here’s the thing about eyebrows. There are few prettier ways to frame a face than with groomed but healthy brow, arched outside and ending in an elegant taper. Think Liz Taylor or Marilyn Monroe.

Eyebrow pencil –or powder if you’re not as clumsy as I am– can clean up and define a brow in a heartbeat. Just one hint though, unless you want to look like you spend your days with some short man in a trench coat coming up with creative ways to murder Moose and Squirrel, use a pencil lighter than your natural hair color.

The best part? It’s totally okay to buy a cheap eyebrow pencil. I’ve used the Chanel pencil and I’ve used the Wet n’ Wild cheapies. They work the same.

And because we at Manolo for the Big Girl CARE about your needs, here is a brief guide to eyebrows:

Yes:

Yes (if you’re a Fright Queen, otherwise No):

Yes:

No (but bitchin’):

Friends, I am posting to you from under fire. There is a BAT in my office. I do not care for bats. You cannot eat them and the do not make pretty shoes. They do eat bugs and that is nice for my personal comfort, but I ate a bug once (well twice if you count the time in second grade when Steven Quick bet me a dollar that I wouldn’t eat a cicada in two bites) and I can’t really see as anyone with much sense would do it on purpose.
Anyway, as I’m positive that Terrence (I have named the bat Terrence) is either rabid, murderous or both I have decided to pen my last words and drip a few drops from ye olde font of knowledge ere I shuffle loose this mortal coil before I even get to wear my new Tory Burch wedges. So that being said, here are my final pearls of womanly wisdom:

Always wear a slip because you just never know.

There will always be wind. It’s like death and taxes both in inevitablity and in the fact that it blows. Unless you never wear dresses or have a popemobile (Incidentally, I have a JPII doll and he’s wearing bloomers under his chausble) you will, at some point, be walking somewhere where there is wind and your skirt WILL, in the immortal words of Keats take flight “on the viewless wings of Poesy” and you’ll ALWAYS be the most questionable pair of britches you own. It’s a rule of the universe. Trust me on this one.

I have seen way too many nubile young thighs for someone who doesn’t make a point to carry around a lot of singles. Don’t let it happen to you. The wind will still blow and your friends and neighbors will reveal their Tuesday underpants on a Thursday morning, but if your dress flips up, no one will be scandalizes by your scanties.

With this note (oh, and always carry a razor in your purse) I commend myself to Heaven. Come and get me Terrence. The comedy is over.

Here is another amusing exerpt, chosen randomly from our Bible, the superfantastic Wake Up, I’m Fat!:

The Road to Wellville was a film about bodies. All kinds of them. Fat, thin, short, funny looking, and Alan was looking for people with all kinds of body shapes. He asked me if I could ride a horse, and once again, like all well-trained actors I told him, “Absolutely.” If he had pursued it, I was prepared to tell him that I spent every summer at my family’s ranch in, uh, Montana, just a two-day trot from Peoria. Never mind that I hadn’t been on a horse in over twenty years. Then he asked me how I would feel about getting naked. I said, “I feel fine about it, how would you feel?” He laughed, which I sensed was a big accomplishment. Finally I just said, “Listen, I’ll ride a horse naked if you want me to.” I got the part. That was the good news. The bad news: He really expected me to follow through on that whole get-naked thing. You’d think I would have learned by now, but knee-jerk I-can-do-it actor’s instincts still get me in trouble. Like, when the publishers of this book asked, “Do you really think you can write a book?” “Sure,” I said. “I spend every summer at my family’s book-writing camp in Montana. The problem was that they actually wanted me to write a book, which is a damed sight harder than getting naked.

Francesca wants to know: What would be easier for you, writing a memoir or getting naked in a feature film?

Francesca says, for herself: Getting naked in a feature film is much less time-consuming, but would require many, many shots of Frog Water Cocktail to happen.

Well y’all it’s Friday and I think we could all use a little inspiration. Inspiration, like a tick or your grandmother’s giant anchor tattoo,  is often found in the strangest places. Beloved reader Amazon Angelle commented on my last entry about by asking:

Is it at all sad that I looked past the dress and am currently trying to come with a cocktail that I shall dub “Frog Water?”

It may be the first time I’ve ever said this with any tenderness but: Honey, No.  In fact, I’m surprised it’s taken us this long to come up with a Manolo for the Big Girl cocktail in the first place! I feel like I’ve failed you. But now I want to know, what would go in a Frog Water Cocktail?

Might I suggest filling a glass with dry champagne, dribbling in a just a hint of Benoit Serres Liqueur de Violette and finish off by dropping a sugar cube that has been soaked in Green Chartreuse in the glass right before serving.  The violet liqueur, aside from being delicious in champagne, plays into the joke that “frog water” used to be slang for perfume. The Green Chartreuse-soaked sugar cube could represent the little frog and has the added benefit of –like champagne and Liqueur de Violette also being from France.

Setting the poor little sugar amphibian on fire before submerging is also an option, if you particularly like your grenouilles en flambé.

In my last post I talked about big florals being embiggening, and they are, but what if you just luh-huv big florals? Can you still wear them?

Of course you can.

You won’t look your sveltest, true, but if that’s not a big deal to you –and no one says it has to be– go forth and wear that floral frock you love, and if it doesn’t work? Well, there are worse things in life than looking stupid.
I’ll be honest, I have no great affection for prints. The best I can usually say about them is that they are helpful in confusing your enemy.  In fact today I’m wearing a new Donna Reed-style shirtwaist with the very subtlest and most restrained of Swiss dots and I had to look good and hard in the mirror before I left the house because I juuuust wasnt sure I liked it.

My word of caution is, if you are planning on wearing big florals, be very very careful of proportion and balance.  If your big floral is a short dress, be sure to wear the highest heel you can comfortably (and tastefully) wear.  Keep accessories uncomplicated and few in number, but big in impact. This is no time for dainty earrings and whisper thin gold chains.

Pay extra attention to the color on your face.  Bold colors and prints can make even the most dramatically-hued of us look washed out so go for that extra bit of blush before you  step out the door.