I’m going to come right out and say it: planning and cooking a traditional Thanksgiving feast is not easy. It’s a challenge, to say the least. Few people have the sort of kitchens that can store and cook all the food required in one go, let alone sufficient helping hands. There are things in that traditional menu that very, very few of us cook at any point in the rest of the year. After all, when else do most people roast a turkey or make a pie? Yes, I do make pie pretty regularly, but that turkey? Not so much. That’s a big honking bird to cook for two people, which is how many eat here in one go maximum most of the year. Heck, my mother had a husband, three hungry kids, and usually at least one friend of someone in the family at that dinner table most nights, and turkey was still a once a year thing.

So let’s talk about a few ways you can make your life easier if you choose to take on making a more or less standard, traditional Thanksgiving meal for you and yours. After all, you want the energy to enjoy what you have wrought when you sit down to eat. Landing face first in the mashed potatoes from exhaustion and frustration does not make for a fun holiday for anyone.

So what can you do to make sure you’re in good shape to celebrate? What can you do to make unfamiliar dishes taste like you’re a pro at cooking them?

First off, make out your menu well in advance. The more prepared you are, the less last minute fuss and feathers. If you’re ordering a turkey from a butcher, now is the time to do it. If you know what your cranberry needs are now, you can buy and freeze them now rather than waiting until you need to go to three stores to find enough for everything you plan to do with them. That extra butter you need? Will also live happily in the freezer for a couple weeks. But get your milk and lettuce at the last minute. They don’t store well, longterm.

The other good thing about knowing in advance what you’re making is that you can identify the dishes that can be made – or partially made – in advance and kept in the fridge or freezer until the big day. In fact, many recipes and cookbooks will point out if a recipe can be frozen and reheated successfully, or if it will last in the fridge for a week or more. Also, think about your oven space and similar ingredients  in relation to the dishes you’re making. Can you choose two side dishes that cook at the same temperature and fit them in together? If you make one dish that requires several egg yolks, can you find another that will use up the whites? Thinking about these aspects means less waste and more efficient use of facilities.

If you’re having friends over, consider farming out some of the work. Unless you’re collaborating on setting the menu, don’t hand them a recipe and say ‘do this.’ Rather ask them if they would be so kind as to provide a green vegetable or bring along a dessert. If someone asks what they can bring, have a general suggestion like that at the ready.

I don’t know about you, but I find it helpful in the week beforehand to write out a schedule for the work and a shopping list for any last minute items I need. It helps me make sure I’ve got everything I need and that I can actually cook everything I need to in my kitchen in the time I’ve got. Sometimes just having a plan written down can be a calming influence.

As for the tastier aspect, well, here are a couple ideas to think about.

What about brining turkeys? I must admit, it’s something I’ve never done. One of my bizarre talents in the kitchen is that of never making a dry turkey. It probably has more to do with always picking a very small turkey – as turkeys go – than with any native talent or mystical ability. Still, it’s easy to make a very dry turkey, and brining has long been considered a Very Good Idea. But J. Kenji Lopez-Alt of Serious Eats decided to do an experiment to find out if it’s really the best way to get a moist and flavorful turkey. His results may just surprise you. Suffice it to say I’m finding advance salting works for me with a lot of meats.

And how about pies? One of the most ubiquitous problems with pie is soggy bottom crusts. Well, there’s a cure for that, and it’s ridiculously easy. Before you pour your filling into the crust, seal it. How do you do this? Melt a small amount of chocolate or, if chocolate isn’t ideal with your filling, a relatively neutral smooth fruit preserve (apricot is good for this and also doubles nicely as a glaze for the fruit in those topless tarts) and paint it onto the bottom of your crust with a pastry brush. If you don’t have a pastry brush, just spoon it in and then use the back of the spoon to smooth it around as best you can. Just be sure to coat the bottom of the crust with a very thin layer. The chocolate or preserves will protect the crust from absorbing the juices from the filling and make it crisper. Plus it’s an added layer of flavor, yum.

Really, when it comes to Thanksgiving – or any major feast – the key to keeping it merely challenging as opposed to virtually impossible is organization. Plan carefully and everything will be just fine.

It’s a fact. Not all families are created equal. Some of us are lucky enough to have families that welcome and embrace us during the holidays… and others of us spend this time of year being emotionally beaten up by our nearest and dearest.

Over the years, I’ve read harrowing tales on this site from awesome Big Girls who are expected to cook the Thanksgiving feast and then berated for every bite they dare to eat. I’ve read of others who spend the holidays in a constant round of being given diet tips by all their relatives, their spouses, and their closest friends. I’ve read about the folks who wheedle invitations to dinner and then complain about the cooking, the choice of menu, and the decor. I’ve read about families grimly sitting down to a traditional meal that took days and huge amounts of money to create, but that nobody actually enjoys eating. And I’ve read about families who take this holiday dedicated to gratitude and turn it into a chance to object vociferously to the size, body art, hair color, clothing choices, sexuality, relationships, child-rearing plans and/or skills, careers, and literary taste of everyone else at the table.

If this in any way describes your Thanksgiving guest list (or the Thanksgiving you’ve been invited to partake in), it’s time to rethink your holiday plans.

Okay, if you’ve invited the guest list from Hades, it’s probably too late to change that now. And if you’ve agreed to go to one of these dinner parties of doom and bring food with you, yeah, that’s probably too late to change, too. For this year. You still have the option to opt out for next year.

But if you aren’t holding the debacle in your home and you aren’t expected to bring a major element of the feast with you where you are going, then this is the perfect time to create other, better plans.

Here’s the thing: if you’re old enough to have any autonomy in your social life, you’re old enough to decide you don’t have to share your holiday with the Toxicity Brigade. You can decide this even if your tormentor is your parent, your spouse, or your child. I have relatives who will never again cross my threshold because of the way they treat me and my cooking. Mr. Twistie and I, instead, choose to share our Thanksgiving with a good friend who loves to cook, loves my cooking, and is fun to be around. You, too, can make this sort of decision.

Another friend is short of actual relatives but has a wide circle of friends who either have little family or have toxic family. Every year he holds his infamous Orphan’s Thanksgiving. He provides the house, the silverware, drinks, and his turkey enchiladas. Everyone who comes is encouraged to bring food to share, whether they’re up for making half a dozen pumpkin pies or can only manage a family size bag of Cheetos. And if they can’t do that, well, they’re still welcome to share in what others have brought. The table is filled with food, everyone takes what they like and leaves what they don’t. There are always cheesy movies on the TV and knots of conversation throughout the house. Often someone breaks out a board game. It’s a happy time.

One of my neighbors hates doing all the cooking for Thanksgiving, so she opts out. There’s a major grocery store chain that does a set Thanksgiving meal you can just pick up and reheat. She does that and fills in the edges with a couple family faves. It means everyone gets the meal they expect, but she doesn’t have to devote her life to it for days. That way she can relax and enjoy it, too.

I’ve known people who head out to their favorite Thai restaurant for Turkey Day because they prefer that to the traditional feast and refuse to be guilted about not wanting stuffing or sweet potatoes smothered in marshmallows.

And of course one can always opt to help those in greater need than themselves on Thanksgiving. Homeless shelters, domestic abuse shelters, hospitals, and nursing homes can usually use a couple extra willing hands at this time of year to help make the day less miserable for those living in these facilities. It’s also a really terrific way to get in touch with the true spirit behind Thanksgiving. There but for grace go a heck of a lot of us.

There are literally thousands of options available once you allow yourself to see beyond the expected. At least one of them will involve absolutely nobody treating you like a servant or a doormat.

Here’s the thing: nobody has the right to mistreat you. Nobody has the right to try to make you change who you are for their convenience. You absolutely have the right to stand up and refuse to accept being treated as lesser.

You have the right to decide what constitutes the bounty you’re thankful for. You have the right to determine whose company you are thankful to share. You have the right to seek out your own happiness.

Your emotional health matters.

Take good care of it.

This is a pretty traditional Thanksgiving dinner. Turkey, cranberries, pie, gravy, seasonal vegetable medley… it’s a meal that many people look forward to every year.

It’s also one that many people dread every year. In this case, I’m not talking about the company, because that will be another article. As per usual, I’ll spend the weekends leading up to Thanksgiving (here in USAnia, anyway) talking about different aspects of Thanksgiving, very much including the emotional ones. But today, I’m just talking menu planning.

You see, no matter how traditional or un you plan to be, the meal needs planning in advance. So let’s break it down and figure out how to figure out what to serve your nearest and dearest for the holiday.

First off, you need to know your audience as well as your own tastes.

Perhaps your Thanksgiving meal doesn’t include something traditional… like the turkey.

Or you may want to include ethnic favorites.

Will these variations go over well with your audience? Will they simply be confused? Will they be grateful not to see green bean casserole on your table, or will they feel they haven’t really had Thanksgiving without it?

Thanksgiving is more than a meal, in a lot of ways. People are heavily invested in the traditions, whether to follow them to the letter or reject them outright. Ultimately, you want to please those sitting down to the table with you, but you also want to please yourself.

The first thing to do is find out if anyone on your guest list has a specific dietary need you have to be aware of. Is someone coming to your dinner a vegetarian? Vegan? Forbidden a particular food or kind of food by their religious beliefs? Allergic to something? Going gluten free? Every one of these situations will affect your menu, but don’t panic.

You see, one of the great things about Thanksgiving is that it is usually served family style, that’s where serving dishes are passed around the table and everyone is free to take or not take whatever goes by them, rather than as set plates. That means that if there’s something on the menu that one person or another will not wish to eat for health or moral reasons, all you need to do is quietly make them aware of the bacon in the Brussels sprouts or the wine in the gravy before they help themselves to it. Don’t make loud announcements. Just have a brief conversation in a quiet voice with the person concerned. And then make darn sure there’s plenty of other foods for that person to choose from.

Then there’s that old bugaboo personal taste. If you’re aware of someone’s fear and loathing of broccoli or pecans or foods that are orange in color, just make sure there’s another vegetable other than broccoli. Don’t sprinkle pecans on every single dish. And while you needn’t avoid having sweet potatoes or carrots on the table, just don’t have them in every dish. Again, the family style passing of platters makes this easier on you. If someone can’t bear candied yams or green bean casserole or even corn bread, they don’t have to take it.

In general, what you want on your Thanksgiving table is more food than the people around it can possibly eat in one sitting. The theme of the holiday is gratitude for the plenty in our lives. This is good, again, for dealing with food issues. It means that even if someone doesn’t like some of the dishes available, chances are they’ll still get plenty to eat.

Now many people start Thanksgiving with a salad or a soup. Others serve appetizers and amuse bouche beforehand. Still others just get straight down to the gusto with everything on the table at once. Any of these approaches is fine. My personal preference is to simply sit everyone down and dig into the main feature, but your mileage may vary. If you go the soup/salad route, try to make it something you’re pretty confident everyone can eat. It’s harder and a lot more embarrassing to pass on the soup that every person at the table has been served.

When it comes to the main event, variety is your friend. Feel free to experiment, but do try to have at least one or two things the traditionalists will find comfortable at the table. And if you’re the traditionalist, whip up your best versions of traditional.

In general, you’ll want a main featured dish, at least two vegetable sides, at least two starchy sides, a couple condiments, and a minimum of one dessert. Feel free to add more if room, budget, organizational skills, and enjoyment allow. Or if someone else asks if they can bring a dish.

For most of us, the main featured dish is a no-brainer: roast turkey. If you’re a vegetarian or vegan, though, you might prefer to make it stuffed butternut squashes, vegetable strata, or even Tofurkey. If nobody at your table cares for turkey, why not make it a ham or a beef roast or even leg of lamb? Pork chops can certainly be an option for those of us who love them. Just because it’s traditional doesn’t mean you’re stuck with it. What the heck! How about a selection of enchiladas? Just choose something that can look impressive and feel festive to the majority of people at the table.

Then there are the traditional sides. The starchy ones are usually some combination of or variation on mashed potatoes, candied yams or sweet potatoes with a marshmallow topping, and stuffing/dressing. Other popular options include cornbread, dinner rolls, roast potatoes, or rice. But if you prefer polenta or grits, I’d be happy to tuck into those, myself. And who says it can’t be risotto or a gratin?

For the veggies, the most common are probably the inevitable green bean casserole, Brussels sprouts, or some kind of carrot dish. Other popular choices include broccoli, creamed spinach, winter squashes, and onions, either stuffed or in a cream sauce. But don’t forget about the lovely root vegetables and vitamin-packed leafy greens that are coming into their own at this time of year. Don’t fear beets, turnips, celeriac, kale and all the other under appreciated vegetable goodness of the season. Just make certain there’s something for the faint of culinary heart, too.

As for condiments, we’re usually talking about turkey gravy, cranberry sauce, and/or cranberry jelly. Of course that doesn’t mean you can’t do chutney, salsa, relishes or compote.

Dessert is most often either pumpkin pie or pecan pie. All the same, that doesn’t need to be the case if that isn’t what you want. Cakes, cupcakes, ice cream, bread or rice pudding, steamed pudding, pot de creme, cookies, feel free to choose whatever you really like.

After all, this holiday is about celebrating the bounty of life… not trudging miserably through a rote menu. Think it over, use your imagination, and take your guests into consideration.

That way you’ll have a Thanksgiving meal worth giving thanks for.

Anna Eleanor Roosevelt Roosevelt said a lot of great things in her life. Here’s my personal favorite:

No one can make you inferior without your consent.

There are a lot of people out there determined to make me inferior. Why? Because they want to charge me extra for goods and services, sell me diet plans and surgery, or just find someone to feel superior to themselves. Well, I’m sorry for them. It ain’t gonna work.

You see, I don’t consent.

I am not inferior.

I am not superior.

I am equal.

I deserve to be treated well just as much as any other person.

My body is not a problem to be solved or a platform for someone else’s fearmongering. It’s just my body. It does what it does, does not do what it does not do, and is very much okay precisely as it is.

Fat, night blindness, occasional ingrown toenail and all, I am equal.

Nobody has my consent to make me less than I am.

I don’t say it’s always easy. There are a lot of people out there determined to take my consent and yours by force. But do your best not to let them have your consent, either.

Because you know what? They don’t deserve it.

And if you need another quote to get you through, you can always remember what this plucky young lady said to a very sexy goblin king:

You have no power over me.

Well, time to put your money where your mouth is. You want variety? You want high-quality, ethically made garments? You want clothes that are constructed as well as any top notch straight-sized line? Here you go.

Support award-winning designer Eden Miller get her Cabiria Style line into stores.

Now, in the spirit of full disclosure, I probably wouldn’t wear any of these dresses, with perhaps the exception of the silk jersey Valentina, but that’s just because this collection’s particular variety of whimsy isn’t one to which I’m typically drawn.

I would serve this so hard Venus Williams would blush

I’m going to support Eden not because I love what she’s offering today, but because I want to see what she’ll do next season and the season after that (maybe something with more of a sleeve? Please? Not everyone wants to jam out with their hams out. Also, if you don’t tell me where you got those emerald green cowboy boots I will die a thousand deaths and then never be able to buy your collection.)

Where DID she get those boots?

Since there seems to be a whole lotta Fellini happening in and around Cabiria Style (Nights of Cabiria, my second favorite Fellini flick, inspired the line’s name), I’m going to guess the Valentina dress is named after the luminous Valentina Cortese, who is featured prominently in my favorite Fellini film, Juliet of the Spirits.

That’s the response I had to Kate from Eat the Damn Cake’s post about not apologizing for liking your looks.

Seems Kate, and many women like her, can’t pay themselves a compliment on their appearance without burying it in a pack of negative qualifiers for fear of appearing arrogant, because apparently owning a reflective surface and at least one functional eye is arrogant now.

Allow me a world-weary sigh.

People are always going to make fun of you, to dislike you or criticize you or just generally be Not One of Your Fans. Always. We don’t need to help them along.

I remember last year when I visited my grandmother. She rattled off an impressively comprehensive list of my faults, both real and perceived, in chronological order starting shortly after I embedded myself in the womb. The finale was a rather spectacular rendition of What Everybody Really Thinks of You (feat. I’m Telling You For Your Own Good) which was in no way hampered by the fact that aside from an awkward dinner once every three years we don’t actually know any of the same people.

At the end of the litany I surprised both of us by saying “Well, I’m sort of okay with that.”

She was aghast.

But that means I’m not 100% invested in whether every person in the universe thinks I’m perfect. How unladylike!

For a woman, self-acceptance is civil disobedience.

The powers that be (society/media/your chain smoking grandmother) throw us under the bus for fun and profit. We don’t need to make it easier.

I’m not saying burn your bras and grow swaying veldts of body hair (although you can if you want) but maybe do all those beauty routines for our own enjoyment instead of playing some Barbie Dream Shell Game where we have to “minimize flaws” so…so what, exactly? So guys will want to have sex with us?

Is it hard to get a guy to want to have sex with you?

I see plain people with children All.The.Time. SOMEONE’S rolling their stromboli and since I’m not sure Hump the Homely has achieved its 501(c)(3) status quite yet, I don’t think they’re doing it for the tax write-off.

Or maybe it’s to get a man to –oh prize of prizes– put a ring on it?

If you can bake a cupcake and lift your soft palate, you can get a husband.

Maybe not one worth having, but, as my internet friend once said, “There’s a Sigfried for every Roy.”

I think my record has established I am an absolutely horrible person, entirely unfit for human companionship. Just ask my grandmother. Now that it rarely tops 80 or dips below 70, even my dog stays outside most of the day. But even if you exclude the drunk, the Irish and the mentally ill, I’ve still had more than half a dozen marriage proposals in my life and my cupcakes aren’t that good.

Finding someone to love and who loves you with all your intricacies, physical ones too, is a blessing, and it’s one we can bestow upon ourselves. So give yourself a compliment, leave out the qualifiers and just get on with it. After all, as Saint RuPaul of Charles says: If you can’t love yourself, how the hell are you gonna love anyone else?

This is actually much, much prettier than the situation earlier in the week at Casa Twistie.

But let’s get a little background first.

When Mama-san Twistie died and we inherited the house, we also inherited Mama-san Twistie’s avocado green thirty-year-old fridge. I hated it. But it worked, and we didn’t have a lot of money to waste, so we kept it. After about four years, it finally bit the dust, and I did a little jig of delight at the thought of getting a refrigerator that wasn’t a decorator color from my long lost childhood.

Unfortunately, when a fridge dies there is little time to consider the options well. Mr. Twistie and I headed off to a Big Retailer That Carries Refrigeration Units, and pointed at the first one we thought would fit our kitchen made by a manufacturer who had been famed for years for their reliability.

Alas! Ten minutes’ research would have informed us that that once reliable manufacturer had become a well-known appliance puppy mill. We started having problems with it almost immediately.

Friends, that fridge has been through three motors in six years. And we didn’t opt for the extended warranty. Silly Twisties!

Earlier this week was the final straw. I woke to find that when I pulled my butter from the fridge to spread on my toast… it didn’t need even a nanosecond to warm up to spreadability. In point of fact, it was kind of melty already. For reasons passing all understanding, the freezer part was still doing just fine, though.

And that, my friends, is what we call the Last Straw. This camel was officially broken. I called Mr. Twistie at work and informed him we were going refrigerator shopping when he got home from work.

This time, though, I got online and did my homework. I checked out what Consumer Reports had to say about various models… including who is doing the actual manufacturing of lines. I read customer reviews. We found that these days Kenmore is made by Frigidaire, who has a good current reputation for reliability… but the Kenmore models have lower price tags.

So yes, it’s a Kenmore. It’s white. It’s basic. It doesn’t have an ice maker because we didn’t want one. It would be a pain to run water to where our fridge is and it’s one more thing to break. We wanted basic, simple, not too big, and reasonably reliable.

What was the thing that put us over the top for this particular fridge? Well, the 20% off sale was certainly a factor, as was the fact that Sears would haul away and recycle the old, dead fridge for ten smackers extra. But what did it was when I started reading reviews by people who had been living with that fridge. Sure there were dozens of people who had written their reviews in the first six months of owning it, and they were helpful. But the real test was that there were reviews from people who had owned one just like this for four, five, eight, even eleven years who wrote in to say they would buy the same one over again.

And that is why research is important. That’s the information you need. When making a major purchase like a basic appliance, a home, or a car, you want to talk to people (or at least read what they have to say!) who have lived with the item or in the neighborhood for a while. Double check where it comes from.

It never occurred to me that a refrigerator would die in six years… let alone four times! Now I’m older, wiser, waryer, and better at finding the info I need.

All the same, this time I jumped at the extended warranty. Now even if this one does turn out to bark as much as the old one, for the next five years, it will all be taken care of without further money coming out of my pocket.

Do your homework. Stay safe and sane.

I do not have warm feelings towards unexpected visitors in the best of cases, and this morning my sentiments were particularly arctic because in the weekend’s excitement my normally pristine kitchen went from Health Inspector’s Fantasy to Trainspotting House and twenty minutes –HLB bought us some time– to make the house and myself presentable was pushing it.

Unfortunately, I’m still in that tenuous warming-up period with HLB’s friends which puts me a good six months away from being able to tell the possibly-still-drunk friend who has driven (and that’s another head explosion for another day)three hours to get here that he can turn right around and drive himself back home.

Thankfully, I have an Emergency Hostess Outfit.

I know we’ve talked about having an Emergency Funeral Outfit ready at all times because You Just Never Know, but having something you can just throw on and know you’ll look fantastic and guest-ready can be a lifesaver when your beloved’s bestie –who is a total baboon, a baboon with a heart of gold, but a baboon nonetheless– shows up with three minutes’ notice or someone important from the office is going to Just Swing By your place to drop off a copy of the memo about the new TPS report cover sheets.

Someone’s got a case of the Mondays!
(I will never not love Office Space)

You want to put your best foot forward but if you’re like me, sometimes the anxiety of an unexpected visitor can be paralyzing. Instead of getting a batch of muffins in the oven or gathering your underwear off the ceiling fan –it was our anniversary last night, don’t judge us– you’re stuck naked in your bedroom staring blankly into your closet which is now suddenly devoid of anything remotely appropriate.

A good Emergency Hostess Outfit should be easy and glamorous.

It should be casual but still have that extra bit of polish that makes a guest feel like their visit is a special occasion, even if it’s one for which you’re in no way prepared.

Maxi dresses are always a strong go-to option here, provided you’ve found one that works for your shape and isn’t encrusted with sequins or rhinestones. There’s a reason they were called hostess dresses in their previous life. They’re long, so if you got caught out of the shower with only one leg shaved no one will be the wiser, and easy to accessorize: just throw on a big cocktail ring or a tremendous pair of earrings and you’re entertainment-ready.

My emergency outfit is a tea-length cotton sundress with a vaguely Thai floral pattern in cocoa, caramel and cream, flat burnished gold sandals and a cream shawl. The pattern of the dress means if I get a tiny spill or splash myself doing some last minute dishes without having to rush back to the bedroom to change before guests arrive. I know that’s not ideal, but desperate times my friends..desperate times.

For jewelry I want something a little over-the-top to offset the casualness of the sundress without looking too Done, so I keep a pair of large amber and cinnabar 1940′s ear sparklies clipped to the dress hanger. Clipping them to the hanger means I won’t lose my mind rummaging through my bazillion pairs of earrings trying to find The Very Best Ones for the outfit which will lead me to reorganize my jewelry boxes instead of getting ready for my rapidly-descending visitors. Can you say “displacement activity“? I sure can!

For makeup, I suggest going for a sheer lipcolor a few shades deeper than you’d usually go for daytime wear.

When you’re doing a serious lip you don’t need much else, maybe a lick of mascara if you’ve got the time, but really you can just slap it on and go. I use Revlon’s Colorstay Mineral Lipglaze in Overtime Wine.

I know finding a sheer, highly-pigmented lippie can be problematic since deeper, bolder colors are usually reserved for lipsticks with matte or satin finishes, so here’s a quick and dirty cheat:

Apply a generous but not goopy coat of Vaseline or clear gloss to your lips, then go over it with your dark, matte color. It might take a few swipes to get the color intensity you want, but it’ll get the job done on the cheap.

As for Chango the unbidden visitor, he WAS sober (barely) and stuck around for literally three minutes before driving three hours back to go to work. It was just long enough for him to ask HLB if I ALWAYS looked that great (knowing which side his tortilla is buttered on, HLB wisely answered in the affirmative) and for me to affectionately threaten his life if he ever pulled that sort of stunt again.

Summer is here and that means that if you own a pool, a barbecue, a nice patio, or any outdoor space larger than a fire escape landing, chances are you’re going to hold some outdoor event in the next couple months. Of course you want yours the be the soiree everyone remembers fondly… not the one people send condolence cards to afterwards.

How to get it right? Well, as per usual, I have a couple handy tips to make you the most fabulous of them all.

Before you get too far in planning, it’s a good idea to make sure your space is in good shape. Clean the pool, trim the bushes, double check that your outdoor furniture is in good repair. Consider carefully how many bodies the space can hold comfortably. If you can only fit ten people, don’t invite fifty. If you can hold a hundred, go for it… if you can think of a hundred people you’d like to host and can do it without going off your tiny rocker.

When planning the menu, keep in mind any dietary restrictions your guests may have. In nearly every group there’s someone who is: vegetarian, vegan, gluten sensitive, lactose intolerant, diabetic, on a weight loss regimen or cleanse, following a religion with dietary restrictions, or desperately allergic to something or other. Whoever that person is, whatever their issue might be, make very sure there’s still plenty for that person to eat. I’ve run across some fellow foodies who make it a point of pride to utterly ignore any health or preference issues when inviting people to eat at their homes and I cannot for the life of me think of a more arrogant, inhospitable attitude. I’d rather everyone go home well fed than serve something precisely as I wanted it to be and then have nobody eat it but me.

My first question when feeding someone for the first time is ‘What don’t you eat?’ I don’t care whether it’s because of a health issue, a moral stance, a religious belief, or simple preference. I don’t need an excuse. All I want to know is what is a bad idea to put in front of that person. Tell me no lemons, and it’s between you and your god whether it’s because of your horrendous citrus allergy or because you don’t like sour things as a rule. I’ll make sure there are things sans lemons and point out (quietly) anything that has it hidden.

Make things easy on yourself. Outdoor entertaining is usually fairly casual. Put out finger foods that people can nibble on. Have a cooler or fill a small kiddie wading pool with ice and put beverages there for folks to help themselves. Serve foods that can be mostly made in advance, especially if you’re having a large group over. Fill in the blanks with bags of chips and don’t be afraid to serve them with store bought dip. Just don’t do that ‘guacamole’ that’s mostly sour cream. That’s just nasty. Get a couple avocados, some lime juice (preferably from a real lime), an onion and some garlic. Maybe some tomato if that’s your thing. Mince the onion and the garlic. Moosh the avocado and stir in the rest. Leave it a bit chunky.  You’re done. Guacamole is simple. That’s why so many Mexican restaurants feature waiters making it tableside (at least here in the States). It’s fast, it’s easy, and it looks cool.

If you’re having live music, it’s probably best to warn the neighbors. I will never forget the party Mr. Twistie and I attended a while back where there was a small – and absolutely fantastic – mariachi band playing. In the middle of the evening, eggs came flying into the yard where the party was being held. It’s a good thing Mr. Twistie and I were there, because the eggs actually came flying over our fence! But considering the fact that I was petting the dog, Mr. Twistie was getting the info for contacting the band, and Jake the cat has no pitching arm, we were quickly exonerated. Live music is awesome (says the wife of the musician), but there are those who object strongly. It’s also a good idea to warn the neighbors if you plan to go very late with the party. Warned neighbors are a bit less likely to call in noise complaints to the local constabulary.

Relax and enjoy your own party. It’s a fact: if you are running around like a chicken with its head cut off, your guests can’t relax and enjoy your party, either. Do whatever it takes to be in the party spirit when the first person arrives at your door. That way everyone else can sit back and have a good time, too.

But I’m not convinced it’s an accurate statement for the fat kids out there; especially not those who grow into fat adults.

For people of size, I’m not sure it does Get Better, at least not naturally.

Left to its own devices, the Western Beauty and Culture Machine will happily crush you underfoot –for your own good, of course– for being too big for their britches.

Everywhere you look there will be pop-up ads and billboards and interchangeable vapid reality TV “stars” admonishing you from photoshopped pages to change your body into something society deems acceptable. Only then will you get invited to the cool parties, have a partner who loves you and finally be worthy of full human status.

Oh, and don’t you dare be angry. They’re just doing it so you’ll feel better about you! They’re “just worried about your health”. Did they mention you have Such A Pretty Face? Did they make the Pointed Sigh?

Sigh.

It’s not like people really need much of a push to treat fat people as sub-human anyway. We’re manifestations of weakness, of the laziness and sloth they fear in themselves, we deserve our bad treatment because really, we’ve brought it upon ourselves. (You can try pointing out science refuting the claim that size is more than just a case of calories in vs. calories out, but be aware it’s dancing-with-a-pig futile in many if not most cases.)

Nope, you’re a lazy cow and there’s nothing sacred about cows in this culture: They just get slaughtered…or worse, slaughter themselves.

Bullying is now news, after too many –one is too many– kids, perceived or identifying as something other than cut-and-dried hetero, committed suicide.

But bullying, we all know, is not new news and it’s not solely the domain of gay kids.

Yet how many front page human interest stories do you hear about the plight of the fat kid being bullied in school?

Whither our tearful congressmen? Where’s the garment-rending when a bullied fat kid commits suicide?

More importantly, where are our 24-hour specialized hotlines to stop those suicides before they happen?

Tormenting fat kids is less of a headline and more of a forgivable rite of passage, swept neatly under the Children Can Be So Cruel rug (Children Can Be So Cruel, a fully-licensed subsidiary of Boys Will Be Boys and She Was Asking For It In That Skirt Partners, International)

Yeah, children can be so cruel.

Is it a newsflash that adults can be too?  The “War on Childhood Obesity”, however good its intentions might be, is just another way to codify and institutionalize size discrimination against the people least capable of defending their own interests: children.

Regardless of age, if you’re fat, Society, either openly or covertly, wants you to hate yourself thin. Except we can’t hate ourselves thin, at least not in the long term. Sometimes only thing that sticks from years of being hit in the head with the anti-fat hammer until our ears ring with self-hate is…guess what? Self hate.

So it’s hard to say It Gets Better because really, it’s going to get worse. Subtler, to be sure, but worse.

What’s the solution? We can’t wait for it to GET better. We have to MAKE it better.  Individually. Put on your own oxygen mask, then help your neighbor.

Make it better by applying a critical eye (and okay, sometimes a critical finger) to anti-fat bias.

Surround yourself with positive, thought-provoking friends and resources. Read The Fat Nutritionist. Understand Health at Every Size.

Reject any media that celebrates a culture where our bodies are punchlines and our feelings don’t count but still want our precious, precious dollars. I’m not the smartest girl on the block (and it’s not even a very big block) but even I have a problem with giving companies money to insult me.

Stop watching E! and its equally abysmal coterie (Those channels make you stupid. They just do. Read a book. Watch a documentary. Just step away from the “Reality TV” before mindless describes more than just your choice in entertainment).

For the love of all things holy, stop buying women’s magazines.

Watch the runway shows if you want to be up on fashion, at least you’ll only subject yourself to the models and not hot pink headlines offering quadruple chocolate fudge bombs, plastic surgery tips and “630 Ways To Drop Fifty Pounds By Thursday You Pathetic Spinster Cow!” on the same cover.

Find your own path, define your self BY yourself.

McDonald’s (stay with me now) has served “billions and billions” and is probably technically the most popular restaurant in America, but it isn’t popular because it’s good or because it has meaningful value. It’s popular because McDonald’s is non-threatening, low-investment (mentally and economically) and easily accessible.

Those descriptors are fine if you want to grow up to be a Happy Meal, but consider setting the bar a bit higher if you want to be a Happy Human.

Speaking of being a happy human, getting to that goal is easier when you recognize just because someone is in a position of authority in your life, it doesn’t mean they’re right.

Easy to see on the macro level –we disagree with politicians all the time– but a little tougher in the micro.

One of the greatest gifts my mother ever gave me was the day she denied me a glass of juice by announcing “Orange juice has a lot of fat in it.”

My teenage brain wobbled with confusion.

How, precisely, does a product whose one ingredient is naturally fat-free get to have “a lot of fat in it”? Were the otherwise trustworthy and respectable people at Tropicana sneaking sticks of butter into my freshly-squeezed not-from-concentrate?

Maybe she meant to say orange juice has a lot of calories, maybe she was on some low carb kick and was convinced downing even a drop of juice was the nutritional equivalent of slurping from Satan’s own toilet bowl, maybe she honestly thought the big zero next to the grams of fat on the nutritional label was a mountebank’s ruse used to trick the foolish and unsuspecting into a life of obesity, though –it must be admitted– very little scurvy.

No, my mother was just wrong.

And if my mother was wrong about that, maybe she was wrong about other things too. Maybe other adults were wrong about things I never thought made sense.  That certainly would shed some light on the whole “You’re never going to get anyone to like you if you’re fat but don’t hang around black guys because they like big butts.” conundrum of 1995.

It’s not easy, this whole Making It Better thing, and we’re all dealt a different hand. Sometimes we come up with aces in terms of supportive family and friends and sometimes we’re playing five card stud with two baseball cards and the remnants of an Uno deck, but you CAN make it better, just a little bit at a time.

If you are a struggling young person, or know a struggling young person who could benefit from counseling, size-positive resources or heck, even a one-on-one chat with your not-in-any-way-professional-counselor Pal Plummy, please email me at plumcake@shoeblogs.com. I can’t promise to make things better, but I can promise to listen and try.