I don’t care if she is, literally, porky. I don’t even care that her brassy attitude just barely hides a vulnerable and fragile ego.

Miss Piggy is my idol.

She is fat. She is beautiful. She dresses impeccably, always. She is fated for superstardom and she knows it. She offers kissy-kissies to people she likes and karate chops to those she doesn’t. She has good taste in male partners and stands by her frog. Like Francesca, she refers to herself in the third person. And she doesn’t stop to think about whether she can actually sing or dance or swim, she doesn’t stop to wonder whether she looks fat, she just puts on her satin dress and pink gloves and boa and gets out there and goes for it.

Viva la Pig!

First let me tell you what I love about Soprano’s star Aida Turturro pictured here at the 2007 Emmys.

I love her age and season-appropriate makeup. I love that she’s laughing. I love that while she may be twice the size of most of her female colleagues she looks like she’s having twice the fun, too.

However (yes there’s a however, you know I don’t just say nice things and be done with it) there is A Lot Going On with this look. I mentioned this before –and will mention it again– that especially when one is a big girl not blessed with great height, one must be extra vigilant not to overdo it with the floaty fabric and the lace and the beadwork and the big fluffity hair.

There’s got to be restraint somewhere–a sleeker ‘do, bare arm instead of the not-fooling-anybody wrap– or else you’ll just get gobbled up by the mass of your own ensemble.

Spiritual soul mate and illustrated big girl Ursula the Sea Witch shows us a better way.

See? Hair away from the face, simple accessories. This is how it’s done. So remember ladies, next time you’ve got to dress up, remember Ursula here. To quote an ex-boyfriend –who may or may not have been talking about the tentacled temptress– “she may be evil, but damn, she always looks fantasic.”

Do you even KNOW how much I love you? I love you like Joanie loves Chachi, like Captain loves Tennille, like that silly dude who’s always hanging around Ashlee Simpson loves eyeliner. My love for you is DEEP and PURE because you are a comparatively big girl for your chosen profession and yet you dress for your shape and your amazing coloring and consistently knock it out of the park on the red carpet.

For example:

So I was not merely stoked, nay not even SUPER stoked, but super-duper borderline-stalker stoked to see what you would wear to the 2007 Emmys.

I watched the simulcast breathlessly and then as you approached… you were a vision in lavender, flawless hair and makeup, gorgeous earrings and a well-wrangled rack. Vintage Sara!

and then…then came what the Fug Girls call “the scroll down”

WHY? WHY did you need to put that hole right there? What possible reason could you have for having that…that…DRESS SPHINCTER right in the middle of your beautiful gown?!

I…I just can’t…I don’t…

(It seems Plumcake has passed out. Please do not worry, just forward the names and numbers of bachelor doctors who might be available and are into curvy girls who faint a lot. Blue eyes a plus. I believe she prefers Episcopalians –ed.)

OK, so everyone, from the most banal of bloggers to the esteemed Manolo and Spirit Fingers, are talking about Britney Spear’s soporific “comeback” performance at the MTV Video Music Awards. (Video is here.)

Unfortunately, much of the discussion is about how Britney looks in that admittedly slutty (oh? did I say that out loud? I meant, uh, “unforgiving”) little hot-pants and bra outfit. In the past, Britney wore outfits like that and looked perfect in a “Hollywood definition of perfect” style. Now she wears it and looks, in the opinion of Francesca, either really hot in a womanly way, or just really slutty, depending on how much you generally enjoy watching any woman in hot pants and a push-up bra traipse around a stage on international television. If, before she bore two children, you thought she was slutty, well she’s still slutty. And if before, you thought she was hot, she’s still hot — Francesca would give two eye-teeth to look like her, only Francesca would still wear clothes over the bra– she’s just hot in the way a woman is hot when she is a little older than she was 4 years ago, and has had 2 children, but works out all the time and has lucky genes and is still really, really hot.

She’s certainly not fat, as some of her former fans, mostly teenage boys who want Britney to be 17 forever, insist.

But Francesca brings this up not to excoriate the teenage boys with their unrealistic and unkind comments about the curvy body. No, Francesca wishes to use Britney’s train-wreck performance as an example of the difference between between being mediocre and being on top of one’s game, regardless of one’s weight.

The problem is not that Britney has gained weight. The problem is that here she is supposed to be entertaining us, either with her singing (hah!) or her dancing (that’s what we want), or both (but we’d settle for good dancing and semi-realistic lip-synching). Instead of entertaining us, though, she went onstage and walked around a little (is it Francesca’s imagination or does poor Britney look like she’s taking tiny steps so she won’t fall over in the high heels?) and did a few gyrations while standing in place. Francesca is sorry, but Britney Spears did not build her empire by lip-synching and moving at 5 miles per hour. She built her empire by being one of the most talented, precise, enthusiastic dancers anywhere. She cannot rebuild it by performing like this:

Francesca submits that, had Britney been dancing her tushy off, had she acted like she was sincerely excited to be at the VMA and having fun, had she come prepared and put in the sort of effort and sweat that made her famous, fans would have been pleased no matter what her tummy looks like now. And Francesca submits that when the talent and effort are not there, it makes no difference how sculpted is the body.

Let this be a lesson to us: A gorgeous, sluttily-dressed body can never make up for mediocrity. And: curvy women can get away with a little bit of lumpy-squishies here and there when we are confident, happy, enjoying ourselves, and giving off positive vibes.

Via Manolo’s Ayyyy blog, we learn that this is a photo of America Ferrera as she actually is, with her super smile, beautiful skin, curvalicious bod, and aura of sweetness and confidence.

According to the cover of this month’s issue of Glamour, “Ugly Betty is HOT!” Francesca is not so sure about Ugly Betty, but America Ferrera is . . . well,  if Francesca were male or homosexual, she would be having many a fantasy about slowly stripping that gray pinstriped dress off of Ferrera’s highly womanly body. Heck, perhaps Francesca will fantasize about it anyway. We’re open-minded here.

Now. Having told us that Ugly Betty is HOT!, the powers that be at Glamour decided that Ferrera was not hot enough to put on the cover without making some, ah, changes. And this was the result:

Francesca will not go into the horrible quality of the photoshopping. Please go to Ayyyy and read the comments in which Manolo’s noble readers wonder aloud just how freakish are those arms, or whether it is physically possible for a woman to make her neck bend like that.

No, no, Francesca simply wants to know from the editors at Glamour: Is Ugly Betty only HOT! if she gets rid of all the fat from her arms, every bit, and reduces from a C cup to an A? Is it not possible that Ugly Betty, or at least the actress who plays her, is HOT! exactly the way she is? (Follow America’s show with satellite TV.)

Because, you know, America Ferrera as she actually is looks a lot like most of your readers.  Your prettiest readers. But apparently she is not pretty enough. So what, exactly, are you trying to say, Glamour?

Don’t answer. We already know.

Dear readers! Does this make you ooze with righteous indignation? There are two things Francesca recommends you do.

One is to go here and write a letter to the editor of Glamour expressing your dismay that not even America Ferrera can meet Glamour’s standards.

And if you are truly pissed off, write to the companies which have advertised in the magazine and tell them they have made a mistake.

You no like-a a C-cup? We will hit you in the pocketbook! Big Girls are beautiful!

Reading the responses to our Big Question brought tears to my eyes. Indeed, if only Francesca had known then what she knows now . . .

Look! Here is a new, very young, very large, very superfantastic celebrity on the scene! Yes, I’m late on this one, but Nikki Blonsky deserves celebrating no matter how many minutes ago her movie was released. I haven’t seen “Hairspray” yet, but you can be sure I’ll report as soon as I do.

Here are interviews which show that at the tender age of 18, Nikki has already learned how to be superfantastic in her attitude AND her attire. She is sweet and charming and happy and self-confident and unafraid to show her talent. And she knows she deserves to lip-lock with Zac Efron (though he later told a reporter that he sees her as a sister. Yeah, whatever. She’s a superfantastic sister!) Go, Nikki!

This is a fashion blog, not a media analysis blog, but as a near-rabid Harry Potter fan, I’d like to take a moment, in honor of the release of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, to take a few moments to discuss fatness in the world of Hogwarts.

On her website, J.K.Rowling, author of the series, has posted a rather long rant against the obsession, in most corners of “the media,” with “emaciated” women, and the way that, often, women judge each other based on weight rather than on smarts or other accomplishments. It is rather difficult to find the text – upon entering the site, click on the hairbrush for “Extra Stuff,” then on “Miscellaneous,” and then on “For Girls Only, Probably” – but here is an exerpt:

“Maybe all this seems funny, or trivial, but it’s really not. It’s about what girls want to be, what they are told they should be, and how they feel about who they are. I’ve got two daughters who will have to make their way in this skinny-obsessed world, and it worries me, because I don’t want them to be empty-headed, self-obsessed, emaciated clones; I’d rather they were independent, interesting, idealistic, kind, opinionated, original, funny – a thousand things, before ‘thin.’ And frankly, I’d rather they didn’t give a gust of stinking chihuahua flatulence whether the woman standing next to them has fleshier knees than they do. Let my girls be Hermiones, rather than Pansy Parkinsons . . . . “

After she posted this, a rather ill-informed reporter wrote an op-ed piece to the effect that Rowling has no right to complain about media images of thinness, since she makes Harry’s loathsome cousin Dudley fat – and therefore Rowling herself is part of the problem.

The good people at Mugglenet.com wrote a refutation, posted here, showing that in the Harry Potter books, being called fat is not a moral judgement. It is simply a statement of fact, and indeed there are several fat heroes and several fat loathsome characters (though the truly evil characters, Voldemort and the Death Eaters, all are apparently of regular size, as are the four main heroes: Harry, Ron, Hermione, and Dumbledore).

From their list:

Fat and Good:

Rubeus Hagrid: Not much needs to be said here. Hagrid is the Keeper of the Keys and Care of Magical Creatures teacher at Hogwarts, and the highest-profile good adult character in Book One. He is, despite a conspicuous lack of common sense, a genuine Gryffindor hero, and fat with it.

Pomona Sprout: The highly-skilled, respected and well-liked Herbology teacher at Hogwarts and Head of Hufflepuff house.

Horace Slughorn: An eminent potioneer who was held in such high regard by Dumbledore that he went to great lengths to persuade him to return to Hogwarts for a second spell as Potions teacher.

Molly Weasley: The lynchpin that holds the Weasley family together in times of crisis, the closest thing to a mother that Harry has got, and an active member of the Order of the Phoenix.

Neville Longbottom: Whilst unsure of his own magical ability and initially portrayed as a bumbler, Neville’s bravery and loyalty has since come very much to the fore. Far from being an incompetent buffoon, he has in fact twice been involved in deadly battles against Death Eaters, fighting courageously (if not always successfully) in each case.

Olympe Maxime: The Headmistress of Beauxbatons. If you want to find a character in the books who is graceful, intelligent, handsome, and a fine dancer, whilst also being overweight, look no further.

The Fat Friar: The jovial Hufflepuff ghost.

While I notice that, at first glance, a few of the overweight characters are stereotypically written as “bumbling” or “jovial,” on the whole the overweight good guys blend seamlessly into the good-guy group. No one can deny that Molly Weasley is one of the most stable and trusted characters in Harry’s life, though she would never be chosen to grace the cover of Vogue. Madame Maxime has risen to a top academic position among the wizards of France, Pomona Sprout is one of the best-liked and senior teachers in the school, and though Hagrid is bumbling, he is also courageous and loyal. One more reason to love the Harry Potter franchise. Thank you, JK, for the inspiring stories and for producing heroes and villians of all shapes and sizes!

In the comments: No spoilers please!