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Ferby Gallini Uggo Shooz Award | Manolo for the Big Girl
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A Very Bad Shoe

So you know how some people like to spread goodness and light wherever they go, and if they had say, an opportunity to reach thousands and thousands people on a regular basis they’d use that influence to do something good and noble like raising money for clean water in southern Malawi?

Yeah, I’m totally not one of those.

But I DO make up for it by bringing you the ugliest shoes on the internet to compete for the highly coveted (in my head) Ferby Gallini Uggo Shooz award, named for two friends whose hearts are as big as their shoes are seizure-inducing, and I’ve got a good one for you:

Let’s just bask in their tragic magnificence shall we?

Because this? Is a lot of stuff happening on a shoe.

We have poison green suede, which in loafer or even pump form I could get behind. There is a dramatic kitten heel. There are not one, not two, but THREE count ’em THREE bands of crochet work in clashing colors AND there’s green snakeskin detail on the cuff and zipper.

My question isn’t why so much, but why isn’t there more? Whither the rhinestones? The studs? Would a smattering of purple fringed tassels have killed you? Sure you bring the ugly, J.J., but do you bring ENOUGH?

(also, anyone who thinks I’m not a sweet girl who loves her readers should note that I was totally ready to make a Stevie Nicks joke, but I know how you cat people are with your Stevie Nicks and your broomstick skirts and useless liberal arts degrees and I’ve put your through enough already, so I’m not. EVEN THOUGH I WANTED TO.)

Shoe Month! The 2010 Ferby Gallini Uggo Shooz Award Winner

Friends, I see a lot of bad shoes.

Some are just ugly by virtue of production and design, some are ugly merely because looks aren’t job #1 (or even job #200) and those? Those are fine. I have no beef with shoes that are ugly as a byproduct of comfort, because they don’t pretend to be anything but comfort shoes.

However, once in a great while, a truly spectacularly bad shoe will separate itself from the pack of the tacky and cheap and soar like a bedazzled eagle to the absolute heights of spectacularly made, terrifically ill-conceived fug that makes my very soul tremble.

That shoe is then awarded the highly-coveted Ferby Gallini Ugly Shoe Award, affectionately known as The Golden Uggo, so named after two of my very favorite people whose particular footwear aesthetic happens to be somewhere between “clown with a head injury” and “mmm, that’s some good toad lickin’!”

Ladies and gentlemen, without further adieu, I give you the 2010 winner of the Ferby Gallini Ugly Shoe award for excellence in wretched bad taste:

Guiseppe Zanotti Screaming Eagle sandals

No. Don’t speak. Just bask in its glory.

Oh, and check out the other pictures. It’ll answer your burning question “Is the mighty eagle’s beak covered in rhinestones like the world’s angriest discoball?” but then again, I think you know the answer to that.

Battle of the Monday Moon Boots RESULTS

 We have a winner of the very first Battle of the Monday Moon Boots! There was some powerful lobbying from the Zanotti camp, BUT the rabbit fur Taryn Rose came out on top.

Delightful reader Rabrab explains:

I think that the Taryn Rose boots are worse; at least GZ committed wholeheartedly to the absurdity that are fur moonboots. To successfully wear absurd clothing or shoes requires one attribute above all: commitment. If you’re going to do yeti-feet, then by ghod do yeti-feet, don’t do a timid approach to yeti-feet.

Taryn’s look like she really was trying to make a nice pair of winter boots (and didn’t realize how odd they came out.) GZ’s are just over-the-top, don’t-even-pretend-you’re-wearing-these-seriously bizarre. The GZ’s make me laugh; the Taryn’s make me cringe.

Congratuations Taryn! You are now the first winner of the um, Ferby Gallini Uggo Shooz Award!   We look forward to seeing you in future events.

Taryn Rose