Here is a two word test:

“Strange Fruit”

If the hairs rose up on your arms, then you know what I’m talking about. If you don’t, I want you to stop immediately and watch this video. I’ll wait.

Billie Holiday died 50 years ago today at the age of 44 of cirrhosis of the liver. She was not the most technically gifted musician, she didn’t have much raw power in her voice and if her vocal range hit much more than an octave no one would have been more surprised than she, but Lady Day with her slurred speech (booze, then drugs) and raspy growl recorded some of the most moving, timeless works in the modern songbook, but even if her entire career began and ended with “Strange Fruit” –which was named Song of the Century by Time Magazine in 1999– she would have been a legend.

No one, maybe Sinatra, changed the pop vernacular the way Holiday did. She was, for all intents and purposes, something new under the sun. Her phrasing changed the way song were sung.

Stick a gardenia in your hair, pour yourself a drink, pop on a little Lady (if you don’t own at least one of her albums, you may not technically be a human) and –if you’re so inclined– listen to Billy Crystal’s (yes THAT Billy Crystal, his uncle owned the record label that released “Strange Fruit” and Billy saw his first movie, “Shane” while sitting on Lady Day’s lap) excellent BBC radio program on the legendary songstress.

“You’ve got to have something to eat and a little love in your life before you can hold still for any damn body’s sermon on how to behave.”

“Dope never helped anybody sing better or play music better or do anything better. All dope can do for you is kill you – and kill you the long, slow, hard way.”

“If I’m going to sing like someone else, then I don’t need to sing at all. ”

“In this country, don’t forget, a habit is no damn private hell. There’s no solitary confinement outside of jail. A habit is hell for those you love. And in this country it’s the worst kind of hell for those who love you.”

“Somebody once said we never know what is enough until we know what’s more than enough.”

I’ve played Constitution Hall. Well, okay, technically it was 9th grade and I was in the school band playing Pomp and Circumstance over and over again (think Sartre)  for our high school graduation, but I was in Constitution Hall and I was playing an instrument and so I’m counting it.

I almost wasn’t allowed to go.

I almost wasn’t allowed to go because of this woman:

Singer Marian Anderson.

See, back in 1939 the Daughters of the American Revolution, who own Constitution Hall refused to let Anderson –who was one of the most popular classical vocalists in the world– perform at Constitution Hall because she wasn’t white.

Eleanor Roosevelt –right-minded old broad that she was– resigned from the DAR and helped organize Anderson’s famous Easter concert at the Lincoln Memorial, attended by over 75,000 folks.

(seriously, if this doesn’t give you goosebumps, you have lizards in your soul)

“I forgave the DAR many years ago. You lose a lot of time hating people.”

“Prejudice is like a hair across your cheek. You can’t see it, you can’t find it with your fingers, but you keep brushing at it because the feel of it is irritating.”

“The minute a person whose word means a great deal to others dare to take the open-hearted and courageous way, many others follow.”

“As long as you keep a person down, some part of you has to be down there to hold him down, so it means you cannot soar as you otherwise might.”

“I suppose I might insist on making issues of things. But that is not my nature, and I always bear in mind that my mission is to leave behind me the kind of impression that will make it easier for those who follow.”

For a goosebump par excellence experience check out this incredible speech on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial and hear Ms Anderson sing “My Country ’tis of Thee”

Happy Independence Day gang.  Celebrate it if you’ve got it.

If I cold have any feature of any actress it wouldn’t be Angelina Jolie’s lips or Elizabeth Taylor’s eyes. It wouldn’t be Catherine Deneuve’s impossibly perfect nose or Audrey Hepburn’s neck. It wouldn’t even be Marilyn Monroe’s beauty mark. It would be Bette Davis’ imperial glare.

right?

I’m constantly surprised by how many big girls skip over her name when mentioning their screen icons. It’s always Audrey Hepburn.  Y’all are clearly drunk. There’s nothing wrong with Audrey Hepburn although I DO eye with suspicion anyone who is too devoted to Breakfast at Tiffany’s.  The helpless “hooker with a heart of gold (and matching shovel)” riles every wild feminist instinct in me.  I really and truly got BOOED when, during the final stupid rain scene I accidentally shouted out “HE’S GAAAY”.

Some people have no respect for the finer points of art criticism.

Anyhoodle Bette Davis shouldn’t have been as beautiful as she was. Her lips managed to be thin and a smear at the same time, her nose drooped, her eyes were heavy lidded and sagging when Hollywood yearned only for doe-eyed damsels.

She wasn’t an ugly duckling who became a swan. She was an ugly duckling who made people realize that swans were kind of bastards.  That’s my kind of duckling.

Also I’ve got a soft spot for what Shakespeare called “a plain-dealing villain” because Bette? Kind of a bitch.

and yet she famously said:

“I’m the nicest goddamn dame that ever lived!”

I kind of believe her.  In my experience, people who have no problems expressing their wants and desires tend to be pretty darn generous of spirit. I think it comes from not being resentful. If you demand to be treated a certain way, most likely you will be. Contrast that with the long-suffering martyrdom of the Good Girl Who Never Gets Anything. Maybe I’m just a cold-hearted shrew (ha ha ha, see how I used the word “maybe” in there? Like it meant something? Damn I’m good.) but when I get what I want, I’m a lot more likely to give people what they want.

Well, you know, unless I forgot to wax.

“Hollywood always wanted me to be pretty, but I fought for realism.”

“Psychoanalysis. Almost went three times – almost. Then I decided what was peculiar about me was probably what made me successful. I’ve seen some very talented actors go into analysis and really lose it. “

“I do not regret one professional enemy I have made. Any actor who doesn’t dare to make an enemy should get out of the business.”

She’s also had a subtle but enduring influence on fashion.  Witness the hand-tinted publicity shot from early in her career and the deeply misunderstood Lanvin gown as worn by Maggie Gyllenhaal.

Galliano referenced her early Warner Brothers Jezebel days, although in dolly way in his collection in his Sprin2008 RTW

and hardly a season goes by without some variation of her iconic look from “Of Human Bondage”.

It’s actually a great look and if you’ve got naturally curly hair, dead easy to do at home.

So I’m off for the weekend, I leave you in the inimitable arms of Twistie (who will probably try to convince to you buy crushed velvet and bell sleeves. Don’t do it! Stay strong!) and will see you all next week with a fresh Monday Hotness, answers about “my eyelash gal, hijinks from the week and the long-awaited “topless Plumcake” (don’t panic Manolo) edition of You Asked for It.  Now let’s have some more quotes:

 “I survived because I was tougher than anybody else”

“I will NEVER be below the title”

and finally, from me to you the best blow off line in the history of ever:

“I’d love to kiss ya, but I just washed my hair”

I am not going to pretend to have ANY objectivity when it comes to Queen Elizabeth I, because I don’t. I have an A #1 epic love on for Gloriana, history’s favorite fake virgin and that’s all there is. I’m from Virginia, I’m Anglican, I’m a mouthy broad who likes jewelry and bossing people. It’s like we’re twins.

“But Plummy”  you say “you hate all that Ren Fest nonsense, in fact you’ve written and deleted something so mean that even YOU won’t print it, even though it’s totally funny and true.”

I know! And it was REALLY mean! And yet homely girls in corsets don’t negate my great big orb-y love for Good Queen Bess. I mean aside from her overall awesomeness and the fact that she owned over 600 pairs of gloves, she FINALLY gave my beloved Church of England some morals.

“I have no desire to make windows into men’s souls”
(Technically in reference to the Catholic/Protestant question, but I prefer to think she just objected a pair  of Raleigh’s infamous too-tight breeches)

“My Lords, do whatever you wish. As for me, I shall do no otherwise than pleases me.”

Parliament learned the hard way you do NOT mess with a woman who has a highly trained attack ermine.

“I will have here but one mistress and no master.”

Considering this painting was done while Bitsy was in her 60′s, I’d say her mistress was Sweet Ladye Photoshoppe. Good for her.

“Those who touch the sceptres of princes deserve no pity.”

I said very much the same thing once, after the girl who deflowered The One True Love Of My Life (summer 1998 edition) got kicked out of our sorority for being an actual no-fooling call girl. Also I used air quotes.

“One man with a head on his shoulders is worth a dozen without.”

Oh yeah? Well I would kill you all for a swatch of that fabric.  Actually, there’s strong evidence to suggest this painting was commissioned to commemorate the fabric itself which was a gift from the oft-married Countess of Shrewsbury.

Let’s take a closer look, shall we?

Irises? Check
Daffodils? Double check
INSANE PISSED-OFF TROUT MONSTER? BOAR-TUSKED SEAHORSE? ENORMOUS SEA TICK? check, check and check!

You will never be as cool as Nina Simone.

No one, ever will EVER be as cool as Nina Simone. Not Eartha, not Ella, not you, not me, not Coltrane, not Miles, not Beethoven, not Bach, not Johnny Rotten, not Santa Claus, Elvis or James freaking Dean. No one.

In fact I might as well just quit writing the Friday Fierceness because that’s it. There is no one more fierce than Little Girl Blue.

Nina Simone, born in North Carolina in 1933 as Eunice Kathleen Waymon, studied classical piano and gave her first concert performance at 12. The organizers wanted to put her parents in the back –where the black people sat– and she refused to play. When her parents were moved up, she began her concert, thus embarking on a life full of civil rights work, which includes writing one of the great protest songs of all time, Mississippi Goddam (click to listen)

She left the United States in 1970, moved to Barbados (where she had a long affair with the Prime Minister) and bounced around Europe before settling in France where she resided until her death in 2003.

I highly suggest her entire discography, but if you’re new to her work let me suggest “Nina Simone’s Finest Hour” and “Nina Simone at Newport“, the latter featuring an incredible classic treatment of “You’d Be So Nice to Come Home To” (click to listen)

On Her Beginnings as a popular artist:

“I only knew classical music, which to me was the only true music. The only way I could survive at the bar was to mix the classical music with popular songs, and that meant I had to sing. What happened was that I discovered I had a voice plus the talent to mix classical music together with more popular songs, which at the time I detested.”

Who else in the WORLD could pull off a Cleopatra head scarf and make it look so natural? This is the definition of regal, AND she knew her mind.

“I think if I were over there in America, protest music would be more important. But I’m not going“

gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous.

“This may be a dream, but I’ll say it anyway: I was supposed to be married last year, and I bought a gown. When I meet Nelson Mandela, I shall put on this gown and have the train of it removed and put aside, and kiss the ground that he walks on and then kiss his feet. “

“The worst thing about that kind of prejudice… is that while you feel hurt and angry and all the rest of it, it feeds you self-doubt. You start thinking, perhaps I am not good enough. “

“To most white people, jazz means black and jazz means dirt, and that’s not what I play. I play black classical music.  “

For further listening (streaming courtesy of goear.com)

So we have the Monday Hotness, and that’s all well and good and whatnot, but –as much as I hate to say it– there is life beyond hot guys in various states of undress. Thus I give you The Friday Fierceness, the new more-or-less weekly featurette wherein we pay homage to women whose lives, talents or personalities embody the unofficial MftBG motto “Larger than life is just the right size.” through a collection of photos and quotes by the featured goddess.

So without further ado I give you La Divina herself:

The incomparable Maria Callas.

GOD she’s a fierce bitch, and I’m not just talking about the best strong brow this side of Liz Taylor.  Say what you will about her unusual, jolie-laide voice; there and will never be another Divina.

La Callas was unapologetic for her success and the power she commanded.  She was the textbook definition of a diva (I hate its common usage now) and had the talent and discipline to back it up.

And of course, there was the diva attitude.

–”I am not an angel and do not pretend to be. That is not one of my roles. But I am not the devil either. I am a woman and a serious artist, and I would like so to be judged.”

– “Don’t talk to me about rules, dear. Wherever I stay I make the g*ddamn rules. ”

 She showed right-thinking ideas about the treatment of her antagonists:

– “I would not kill my enemies, but I will make them get down on their knees. I will, I can, I must.”

–”When my enemies stop hissing, I shall know I’m slipping.”

… and on the legal system

“I will not be sued! I have the voice of an angel!”

…and on why it’s never okay to wear sweatpants in public

–”I would like to be Maria, but there is La Callas who demands that I carry myself with her dignity.”

Interestingly enough, she started her career as a big girl but in 1952 she went on a crash diet and lost 80 pounds so she could feel comfortable playing the great soprano roles.  When legendary conductor Richard Bonynge was asked if he felt Callas’ weightloss affected her voice he answered “I don’t feel it, I know it did. I heard her Norma in 1953, before she lost all that weight, and then again afterward, and the difference was incredible. Even more incredible was that the critics didn’t write about it. When Callas was at her best vocally, she was fat, but she got only a quarter of the recognition that she got after she had become thin and was a great star.”

The more things change, right?