I am not Forever 21′s target demographic, I don’t do cheap and cheerful fast fashion and I didn’t want to be 21 when I WAS 21, so being 21 in eternum is more Kafka than cool for me, but good on them for at least allowing fatties in their store. Yes, they have their plus sizes tucked way in the Corner of Shame next to the maternity gear, but hey, at least we’re encouraged to share the same air as the straight-sizers.

And yet –as perhaps I’ve mentioned for the mazillionth time– I’m about to spend a month on the beaches of Mexico, so I want easy, effortless dressing that won’t break my heart if they get ripped off me in a fit of hot hot Latin passion by some fiery young thing with dark, smoldering eyes, lips like two very naughty pillows and the lightest dusting of freckles across his taut, bronzed* …wait, where am I? Dorothy? Rose? Sophia? Where’s my cheesecake?

Anyway, I picked up this dress:

And yes, it’s styled for hell and the model, while pretty, is not a very good model but the bones of a good dress are there. It’s rayon (I like rayon for summer, not everyone does) and is partially lined. That was a pleasant surprise considering how many designers at higher price points still don’t bother to line their dresses.

It’s also an easy dress to posh up.

I added a nautical-themed Hermes scarf as a belt, another one in a coordinating color as a headband, a pair of handmade Christian Lacroix espadrilles and all of the sudden this $23 dress would be at home anywhere along the French Riviera.

This is why I always bang on about investing in accessories.

Yeah, the shoes and the two scarves clocked in at just about $400 each, but I’ll have them until I die and can wear the scarves in a million ways with a million outfits and one tactfully deployed luxe piece makes an outfit look rich, which an expensive dress with cheap accessories kills a look deader than a Kennedy hooker.

Oh, you’ll notice it’s got an open back.

One could, I suppose, just wear it with a regular bra if you don’t care about your bra straps showing, or toss on a cardi, which you’d want to do if you were going to wear it to work or dinner anyway, but I wanted to be able to wear it backless so I took a risk and picked up Sin Bra.

For the record I teeter between a 38 DD and DDD, depending on the bra. Good genes mean I don’t have any droop, but I’m still not keen on traipsing around unfettered. I love the Sin Bra.

Basically, for $10 you get 6 sets of film-thin surgical adhesive cut outs and “petals” which you use like so:

And they worked. It was light and secure and although it didn’t give me that Foam Cups of Impenetrable Doom look, it definitely gave me the support I needed without feeling weird or uncomfortable like the silicone cutlets do, plus they’re waterproof so you can wear them swimming.

I can’t say they’ll work for everyone, but they worked a mint for me. They get two thumbs (among other things) up from Miss Plumcake. If you have the need, go git you some.

*Nose, they’re on his nose

Do you ever just get an image stuck in your head and declare “THIS. THIS is what I want to be wearing right now, and I shall never know another moment of joy until my dream is realized!”?

Well that’s what happened with me when I saw this:

It was exactly, exactly the feel of what I wanted for my upcoming adventure as a mex-pat. Not the exact outfit per se, but the breezy early 1930′s sportswear feel so I searched and searched until I came upon these:

Silk and Linen Wide Leg Trousers

Fabrication:

70% silk, 30% linen, acetate lining. Obviously I would’ve preferred a silk lining, but we live in a broken and sinful world, so a girl can’t have everything. The silk/linen blend is lovely with an excellent drape and just a slight slub in the material. The lining isn’t bad either, a nice solid twill with good tailleur details you’d expect to find in a much more expensive piece.

Cut:

When they say wide leg, they MEAN wide leg.

In fact, I’d probably categorize them as true tailored palazzos. Stay with me, I know we’ve been burned by palazzos before.

Are there words that strike deeper fear in the hearts of the big-boned than “polyester georgette palazzo pants”?

I think not.

Still, these are very good, just perfect for the loose, 1930′s Biarritz meets Marisa Berenson style I want while I’m in Baja.

We’ve been due for a resurgence of pajama dressing for a while, what with the natural order of things (the 70′s coming back), the undying influence of Poiret and YSL and Karl Lagerfeld bringing back the old Sara and Gerald Murphy trope a few years ago for Spring 2008, which was brilliant but ahead of its time.

Plus it’s not like pants can get tighter, so there’s nothing new or interesting fashion-wise to “say” there. Even Hermes got in on the (slightly more tailored) act for its most recent ready to wear collection.

The cut is elegant and thoughtful. Whoever designed these trousers knows their stuff. The front pleats (stay with me now) are sewn down through the waist and stomach so you don’t get that gut-level poochiness one usually associates with front pleats.  Instead you get an elegant trimness through the waist and hips. There are side pockets and besoms in the back. Nothing too distracting, but it adds a great sportswear look.

Fit:

Long-legged girls, you’re in luck. On me these are entirely too long –I’m 6’3″ in 5″ heels and I’ll still need the taken up at least 2″ inches– so unless you’re half giraffe, you’ll probably need to get these hemmed.

The drape is excellent and although I would’ve liked a slightly higher, narrower waist, that could be user error since I’ve got a high, narrow (er, comparatively) waist to begin with and I really could have/should have gone down a size.

My experience with the plus size range in Spiegel is they run about a size small, so being a pear-shaped 18/20 I ordered a size 22W. I’d still err on the side of caution if your trunk comes with its own considerable collection of junk, but I don’t think you’d be led too far astray if you ordered true to size.

From the side they look like heaven. From the front it’s a little harder to get used to, but once you try them  on as part of an entire outfit instead of just “naked plus pants” it comes together beautifully.

How To Wear It:

One thing you want to remember with all dressing, but especially when you’re playing with dramatic proportions, is to stay balanced. If you’re wearing gorgeous billowy trousers, then your top needs to be slim and there needs to be some structure to it. Look at the American magazine and the Hermes still. 80 years apart, but still the same basic idea: wide, flowing pants require a slim, structured top and/or other elements to offset it.

I don’t have just a ton of experience wearing this silhouette, I don’t tend towards separates in the first place and palazzo pants can be a hard look to pull off in a way that looks chic before one is Of a Certain Age, especially if one is fatly, since fatties as a species have been done so grievously wrong by bad palazzo pants in the past.

Still, I’m determined to do loose, 1930′s Biarritz meets Marisa Berenson style while I’m in Mexico, just for my own enjoyment, so on with the show.

Current plans for deployment are with mile-high espadrilles –I’m going to be a foot and a half taller than everyone in the country anyway, might as well make it an even two– an absolute armful of thick lacquer bangles in solid brights (optional) and a scarf tied on the diagonal as a top which is surprisingly effective and flattering, covering all less-than-gracile parts of self, while putting my best features –my shoulders and neckline– on display, sans cleavage, with a cardi for modesty when I’m not on the beach or lounging at home.If you even have to ask if I’m going to be wearing a big hat I’m not angry, just disappointed. I thought we knew each other.

Parting Shots:

These are Very Good Pants Indeed, especially on sale for $29.99. It’s a lot of capital F Fashion payoff for a dead comfortable and effortless look that still has the whiff of “she took hours to look that effortless” about it, and who doesn’t love that?

You’ll probably want to give these a steam or let them hang for a while when you first get them, but after that, don’t worry too much about creases. Even though it reads more silk than linen, you still don’t want these to be pristine as crisp shirting. The key is easy, soft, a little rumpled and utterly, utterly fabulous. Kind of like me, actually.

Reading: At the Back of the North Wind by George MacDonald Criminally under-appreciated, the Scottish fantasy author –arguably the first successful British fantasy author– influenced everyone from Mark Twain and J.R.R. Tolkein to C.S. Lewis, whose novel The Great Divorce features MacDonald as a character. Unfortunately, the man who served as Lewis Carroll’s mentor –fun fact: it was MacDonald who suggested Carroll submit his little book about a girl named Alice for publication– is virtually ignored. I’d read Lilith ages ago and grew up with Princess and the Goblin and Princess and the Curdie, but I’d missed At the Back of the North Wind until just recently. It’s Oliver Twist meets The Water-Babies, and heartbreakingly beautiful. Don’t miss it.

Watching: Casablanca I still don’t know if Elsa got on the plane, but I sure had a fun time watching it.

Hearing: Club Can’t Handle Me by Flo Rida feat. David Guetta What? Like fat white Episcopalian girls can’t like Flo Rida now? It’s a killer track! Also I would kill for his watch. ALSO also, I totally think he draws in his beard.

Smelling: Iris 39 from Le Labo I went on a little jaunt to Dallas on Saturday and Sunday to do a little shopping, see Andre and visit my brother who I’m beginning to suspect does not own any clothes without illustrated rhinocerosesses on them. The familial visit didn’t happen, the Andre visit was a train wreck, albeit a very poignant, elegant Alphonse Daudet/Guy de Maupassant-style train wreck, but the shopping, the shopping was good. Unlike Austin, Dallas has a proper Barney’s and proper Barney’s have proper fragrance counters, including Serge Lutens, Frederic Malle and Le Labo. I’m wearing Le Labo Iris 39 today and if you like your unflaggingly elegant iris with a little bit of filthy filthy sex, Iris 39 might be worth a go.
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A Thousand Days of Magic: Dressing Jacqueline Kennedy for the White House by Oleg Cassini. Who doesn’t love Oleg Cassini? I could take or leave Jackie (she was at best the SECOND most interesting woman either of her husbands slept with. Marilyn Monroe and La Divina were hot messes, but fascinating ones) but getting the scoop from her then-controversial designer? Juicy.
Hermes Astrologie (Dies et Hore) foulard (as worn by Mrs Kennedy casting her vote in New York) I mean you can’t really go wrong with one of THE classic scarves of all time. I’m kind of bitter there’s only one left for sale right now, because I don’t have that particular design in my admittedly extensive collection and I’m just not sure I’m okay with that.

Jacqueline Kennedy Classic 3-Strand Simulated Pearl Necklace aka The John-John Pearls. I believe her original fake pearls were Kenneth Jay Lane but these are the currently licensed reproductions. You can’t go wrong with a triple-strand of pearls. They’re like the dry martinis of necklaces.
Ray-Ban Jackie Ohh II sunglasses I think we all know how I feel about oversized (emphasis on over) sunglasses but whatever.  If you’re going to do it at least do it with style.

Be sure to check back at the main ‘Tis the Season page to look back on profiles you’ve missed and look forward to ones that are soon to come!

Hermès Ulysses Refillable Notebook: Blue Jean Togo Leather, Palladium Hardware (if someone doesn’t get this for me for Christmas I will DIE)
Psychotic Reactions and Carburetor Dung by Lester Bangs (my journalistic hero)
The Complete Works of Gustav Mahler
Cross Classic Century Pen (excellent sale for Miss Plumcake’s preferred pen)

Be sure to check back at the main ‘Tis the Season page to look back on profiles you’ve missed and look forward to ones that are soon to come!

Here we go, our first profile! The format will always stay the same but the profile and obviously the gifts will change daily. Fun!

Kenneth Jay Lane Award-Winning Earrings (on sale)

Hermès Black Box Calf 28cm Kelly Bag with Gold Hardware (pre-owned certified)

Chanel No 5 Parfum (free shipping using code HOLIDAY)

The Yale Shakespeare Complete Works

Be sure to check back at the main ‘Tis the Season page to look back on profiles you’ve missed and look forward to ones that are soon to come!

Ah Tuesday, or as I like to call it, Monday-and-a-Half, here you are again, let’s jump right in with both perfectly-shod feet and find out What Miss Plumcake is…

Reading: Life of Pi by Yann Martel. Straight out and without qualifications the best contemporary novel I’ve ever read. Usually when I read a so-called great contemporary novel, I’m less than impressed because I think “eh, I can write as well as this shmuck.” It’s not that I’m the best ink-slinger on the block, but it amazes me what gets passed off as great writing these days. With Life of Pi? I was in a slump for a week because I’ll NEVER write anything so beautiful. The plot? Piscine Molitor Patel, a young Indian boy is stranded 227 days in a lifeboat alone with a Bengal tiger. Part adventure, part character study, part spiritual exploration and part magical realism, it’s completely brilliant. Read it now.

Watching: RuPaul’s Drag U. Okay, I’m not actually watching this now, but a few weeks ago when I had access to a television but before I discovered an entire channel devoted to Proper Football I watched a few hours of a marathon of this show. Now we all know I love Miss Ru –who doesn’t do the show in drag– but what I love more is the premise: women learning how to embrace their femininity through the art of drag. Because honestly, makeovers should be fun. They shouldn’t be about feeling bad about “flaws” or fitting into some humorless mold. I spent many formative years with drag queens as mentors (THE HELL YOU SAY!) and I’m a better broad for it.

Hearing: Maurice Duruflé’s Requiem. I have a really inappropriate story about this piece and a scorching hot Dutch cellist who was one of my better Very Bad Ideas that I’m not going to tell you because I’m pretty sure my little brother reads this blog and I don’t want to traumatize him. Still, even if you don’t have a story that puts the damn in Amsterdam this is an incredible piece, especially if you love Gregorian chants and a good contemporary organ. Lord knows I do.

Smelling: Un Lys by Christopher Sheldrake for Serge Lutens. Un Lys means “A lily” and that’s exactly what you get. I can’t remember whether Andre bought it for me or if I plucked it myself but I’m always surprised by this perfume and have been wearing it layered with some dirtier juices (Cumming, Bulgari Black) recently. It’s hard to find a lily that’s pure but not cloying and for my money this is tied with Lys Méditerranée as Best Lily Ever. It’s one of the few fragrances that I’ve had someone follow me down the street to smell. Available at Barney’s or Lucky Scent or get a decant at The Perfumed Court.

Loving: Any Soldier. We all know I’m a sucker, right? Right. So when someone very special to mine heart (who is still going to get a kick in the head for pulling this on me, and don’t think I won’t do it, kiddo) volunteered me to make cookies for pretty much the ENTIRE 10th Mountain Division (okay ten people), currently stationed in Afghanistan I couldn’t really say no. I said a lot of other things, most of which aren’t suitable for print –I mean that’s a LOT of cookies– but not no. Regardless of how you feel about the war, I invite you to consider sending a soldier a little love.

Hating: Aromatics Elixir. WHY? WHY are people STILL WEARING THIS? It’s so hissy and vile. In the history of my life I have only met ONE person who doesn’t wear this but still likes it. And also, is it a RULE that you need to douse yourself with it? It smells like Burt Reynolds’ chest wig deodorizer. Urgh.

Wanting: Juniper Boots from Duo. Where were these calf-fit boots last year when I thought I would DIE if I couldn’t find a pair of jumping boots to fit my fatted calves? I bought a pair of proper riding boots that juuuust about do the trick, but I wish I’d waited and picked these up instead. They’re not cheap but I don’t even want to tell you how much custom-fit riding boots normally cost. Treat yourself. I promise, your legs will go out of fashion before these boots do.

Buying: Pre-owned Hermés scarves from Portero Luxury. It’s been a while since I’ve treated myself to a new foulard, but after giving an impromptu scarf-tying class the other night for a lady who was at a loss as to how to wear a beautiful scarf once belonging to the unforgettable Molly Ivins I’ve got the bug again. My favorite? This Hemisphaerium Coeli Boreale constellation scarf in a buttery coral. At Portero I can get a like-new scarf for well under retail and not have to worry about its authenticity.