Lord help me. I kind of want these:

These are harem pants.

They’re not the dropped crotch billowy monsters I’ve seen elsewhere and sadly they’re not these either:

(My favorite look from an INCREDIBLE show)

they’re sort of moderate harem pants –harem pants for the concubine hobbyist if you will– but I’m pretty darn sure they would work.

Okay okay okay, I know what you’re thinking but let me say a few things in my defense:

A) I am tall and have a lot of “presence”which means I can make a lot of things work just by force of personality.

B) These particular harem pants are made in Malawi. I’ve got a special relationship with Malawi as I am pals with the Bishop of Southern Malawi, the Rt. Reverend James Tengatenga (a hell of a guy) and I’m deeply committed to helping build clean water wells in the poorest area of one of the poorest countries in the world.  I can’t imagine the work conditions are glorious, but I’d rather my money go there than to China.

C) I have seen them work both in theory (YSL above) and in practice (below)

This is a lovely designer I met at the Austin Fashion Awards.

I believe she designed these pants herself out of what looks like shot silk. I particularly loved her ankle straps tied over and above the cuff. To my shame I cannot remember her name –although I believe she won an award– but I DO remember that necklace is vintage YSL. Edit: it’s Corey Lynn Calter. Loved her!

Anyway, I’m kind of fascinated with the whole idea of the harem pant.

Yes, they are “a lot of look” but big girls –especially tall ones–  can carry off a lot of look as well –if not better– as our slender sisters as long as we have the confidence.

What do you think? Would you ever wear harem or harem-esque pants as serious, modern fashion?

Okay, is it going to surprise anyone in the whole wide world that I am a sucker for a gentleman’s pocket square? Anyone? How about you in the back, are you raising your hand? Just scratching? Oh. Okay. You should probably get that looked at.  Anyone else? No? Sigh.

I love a pocket square on a man. My dear friend Mr. S –a diminutive man with snow white hair and a significant member of the design cognoscenti himself– has appeared in a different silk Ferragamo pocket square every time I’ve seen him, and I’ve seen him weekly for years.

It is only my deep regard for Mr. S –and the knowledge that I’m entirely too pretty for prison– that keeps him from being found unconscious by police, having been robbed of all his precious silk pocket squares.

(God. I love Winston Churchill. Seriously. Y’all don’t even KNOW. I am THISCLOSE to doing a Monday Hotness on him and I WILL BAN ANYONE who disagrees…as soon as I figure out how to ban people.)

Anyhoodle.

A good silk pocket square –that is one that’s got a sturdy weave and hand-rolled edges– is a fairly cheap thrill.  The glorious little poison green job I picked up at Neiman Marcus Last Call last week was from their house brand and set me back something like $18.00.

That’s like a martini and a cup of pumpkin bisque at my favorite hotel bar.

Considering the Hermes foulard Andre picked out for me in October made Bergdorf’s $400 richer that day, twenty smackers for a piece of excellent silk in a fantastic color isn’t too bad.

But what to DO with the things?

By FAR my favorite way is to channel Mlles Clara Bow and Louise Brooks and wear it in a broad, vamp-style headband, making a tiny knot in back above the nape. It might be a snug fit; I’ve got a large melon & wear a 7 1/4 hat size so it takes some fiddling, but a standard 17″  square should work for most heads. I wore this with a basic black dress and heavy smoky eyes and received a ton of compliments from *gasp* straight boys.  Who knew?!

The key is to wear it lower on the head than you’d think for maximum chic. Curly girls take note of Clara Bow. This looks best when a few tendrils hang forward over the scarf. Very vampire meets empire. Love.

I’ve also had success folding my square in any of the traditional styles used for breast pockets –I prefer the Cagney or the Winged Puff– and pinning it to my dress with an understated brooch where my breast pocket would be. The choice of pin is essential because you need something to balance but not overpower the square. My trusty silver Bastille key brooch, recommended by my always glamorous friend Frivs in honor of my Bastille Day birthday, always does the trick.

It’s available only through the Mount Vernon gift shop.

Of course if you have enough neck you can wear it as a very small foulard, but I have not had great success with that. If you lucky ducks with long necks give it a go, please report back and tell me how it went!

Being a big girl can be tough when it comes to pulling off male tailoring. We’re generally too big to do that whole “isn’t she adorable in her boyfriend’s jacket” thing and our curves keep us ANYTHING from androgynous.  Tilda Swinton we aint.

And you know? That’s totally okay, because we don’t need to be. Sure, she has a whole mess of statuettes and Alber Elbaz on speed dial, but we have breasts and when it comes down to it, my sweet baby Alber isn’t getting me out of a speeding ticket when I get pulled over for the third time in two weeks.

My other issue with masculine tailoring on women is that unless it’s VERY modern and VERY high-quality –which translates into prohibitively expensive for a lot of us– well, it can look a little played out.

So what’s a girl to do?

Think outside the boxy jacket.

Over the next three days, we’ll be borrowing pieces from the boys, starting with the item nearest and dearest to my head:

The Derby

Call it a bowler or a derby,  if you’ve got dramatic features or a heart-shaped face you need one of these.  I bought one last week and I have no idea how I lived without it. It was like the week I discovered gin and rechargeable batteries. God, that was a good week.

So how do you wear it? Cocked and low on the brow, never EVER on the back of your head. Debbie Gibson is Not What We’re Going For. Think Fraulein Sally Bowles.

Sigh. Life is just so much more FUN when everything’s a Fosse number.

Anyway, there are plenty of purveyors of fine-quality bowlers (you want to be careful you don’t get a costume one. You’re looking at spending $30 – $60 on a decent wool one. Fur felt will be about $400) I like to support local business, so I picked up a traditional wool felt bowler from Stacey Adams at a fantastic little haberdashery called Hatbox. I recommend it to you highly if you’re in the Austin area, although beware: it is a haberdashery, not a millinery.  You’ll probably have to get your church hats somewhere else.

Speaking of recommendations, let me suggest unto you a fantastic book:

You might have seen the musical of the same name, but I still suggest you pick up a copy. The portraits are amazing, the stories are touching and –setting aside my own personal interest in the place where fashion and faith collide– these women are WEARING some hats.