I’m great. Hot Latin Boy is going to be spending the evening being a Positive Male Role Model to a handful of his nephews who are in duress and need male bonding time (using MY best-seats-in-the-house tickets, I didn’t really want to see the most exciting and highly-anticipated match of the season anyway. Worst thing is it was my stupid idea. Man, I wish someone had told me sooner that human empathy was a sexually transmitted disease, I could’ve vaccinated when I went in for cholera and typhoid) so I’ve got a whole glorious Friday to myself and as soon as I clean the kitchen –by which I mean set fire to it or let one of the six hundred women who ring my doorbell every afternoon offering to clean my house actually put soap to scrubbie– I plan on running as far amok as five hours of sleep and a quarter tank of watered-down gas will take me.

The other day, superfantastic reader Katydid sent me an email about this image:

It appeared on Wednesday as an advertisement for the Victoria’s Secret Very Sexy collection in the advertising sidebar of your very own Manolo for the Big Girl, like this:

Katydid wrote:

Was enjoying your latest blog entry when my attention was completely captured by the Victoria Secret model featured in an ad on your site. I attached a pic of how it was displayed on my monitor. She may be the thinnest model I have ever seen and to me the image is disturbing!

I was compelled to share with you.

First of all, thank you Katydid and everyone else who has written over the years about potentially problematic advertising.

I’ve mentioned before, Manolo and I have relatively little control over what advertisements Glam.com or Google run. A few years ago we were bombarded with fake Louboutin sites and then it was all diet programs, what a mess.

The funny thing is, Victoria’s Secret Angel Candice Swanepoel (I’m 99.9% sure that’s Candice Swanepoel) is a pretty healthy, curvy model as far as models these days go.

In the picture she’s got her legs forward, her pelvis and bottom tilted back as far as it can go and is leaning forward from the waist. It’s an old modeling trick which even your pal Plumcake is not above using once in a while. She’s also being photographed from above, which is also very slimming.

Oh, and let’s not forget for a second all the photoshopping that went into the final image.

Here’s another shot of the South African model, taken from one of the Victoria’s Secret fashion shows:

See? Fairly generic run-of-the-milkmaid male fantasy fodder.

She would’ve been a hot non-threatening blonde in the 1950s and is a hot non-threatening blonde now. Sure, she might’ve actually had a little more in the way of pubic hair and a little less in the way of bizarre metal waist contraptions, but hey, maybe not.

The thing is, I bet a model with her body shape who wanted to go into haute couture runway modeling would be told to lose weight.

Of course it’s just another mixed message courtesy of the fashion and beauty industry. If you want to wear the best clothes, you have to look like a model! If you want guys to think you’re sexy you have to look like a totally different model!

Gosh, it’s almost as if they WANT to make us confused and insecure so they could sell us products designed to make us feel less ugly. Haha, no of course not, because that would be insidious and twisted!

(sigh)

In my fantasy world, there would be room for the bouncy beach babe, the androgynous waif, the size 10 girl next door, the voluptuous plus size model and the just plain round on the runway. All ages, all heights, all colors and all orientations.

Maybe I’ll start holding my breath riiiiiiight NOW.

Unfortunately, you don’t need to be trained or certified before the state says it’s okay to have a corset.

Corsets are not Costume.

I mean, they CAN be, but you don’t need me or anyone else to tell you how to create that awful, desperate Platter O’ Boobs effect. So, just for the sake of my head not splitting in half with two even more judgmental pieholes growing in its place, let’s just forget corsets as costumery and focus on them as a piece of specialty shapewear.

For the purpose of this article, I’m going to define a corset as a piece of boned lingerie with laces that can be used to minimize the waist by at least 3″. I say that because there are a lot of cinchers, high-waisted girdles and other usually latex or rubber-intensive shapers that call themselves corsets.

Of course, if I learned anything from living in the DC metro area during the Clinton years, there’s boning and then there’s boning. A good corset has steel boning or something with the equivalent flexibility and control. Flimsy little plastic or fabric “bones” are less than useless, because not only do they NOT work most of the time, they’re also likely to roll on you (more on that later).

The two main mistakes I see big girls in corsets make (aside from the Platter O’Boobs) are wearing corsets that are the wrong shape for their body/the outfit and lacing the corset too tightly.

If you are very large-busted or tend towards the floppy, you want a corset that ends under the bust. Cleverly known as underbust corsets, they allow you to wear your own bra and avoid the POB look. They’re also my corset of choice because overbust corsets can ruin the side profile by making less-than-ginormous funbags look flat.

You should also consider the length of your torso.

I’ve got a long waist and a standard corset is usually too short for me, which leads to an incredibly alluring reverse muffin top where all the fat sploodges out the bottom. I usually fix that by wearing some manner of high-impact girdle so my hips and gut don’t burst forth like the mighty kraken, hellbent on destroying all in its path, or at least the lines of my outfit which –let’s face it– is more important.

A longline corset is the way to go if you want your lower stomach and hips to get some smoothing action as well.

They’re a bit more difficult to maneuver in and generally a little more expensive, but if you’ve laced yourself properly they’re no big deal.

If you’re quite short-waisted, a standard-length corset will probably work as a longline and if you want something for your waist only, look for a lace-up cincher instead of a corset.

Now the lacing.

It is so easy, not to mention tempting, to go overboard with the lacing.

But friends, the fat has got to go somewhere and when you over-lace not only does it look weird, disproportionate and fetishistic, you are almost guaranteed a nice bulging set of backfat puppies popping out of the top and bottom of your corset. Fabulous if you’re a dowager empress, not so great for the rest of us. Keep the laces at the top and bottom of your corset nice and open, focusing on creating a gently exaggerate curve, not overzealous Gibson Girl Gone Wild.

Monday I’ll have a selection of corsets I recommend as well as answering a few more questions about this seemingly most difficult piece of underwear. Until then I am being forcefully beckoned to Plumcake Central Command (my hammock) for an important meeting (a nap followed by a gin and tonic) before tonight’s busy schedule of…probably nothing.

And yet –as perhaps I’ve mentioned for the mazillionth time– I’m about to spend a month on the beaches of Mexico, so I want easy, effortless dressing that won’t break my heart if they get ripped off me in a fit of hot hot Latin passion by some fiery young thing with dark, smoldering eyes, lips like two very naughty pillows and the lightest dusting of freckles across his taut, bronzed* …wait, where am I? Dorothy? Rose? Sophia? Where’s my cheesecake?

Anyway, I picked up this dress:

And yes, it’s styled for hell and the model, while pretty, is not a very good model but the bones of a good dress are there. It’s rayon (I like rayon for summer, not everyone does) and is partially lined. That was a pleasant surprise considering how many designers at higher price points still don’t bother to line their dresses.

It’s also an easy dress to posh up.

I added a nautical-themed Hermes scarf as a belt, another one in a coordinating color as a headband, a pair of handmade Christian Lacroix espadrilles and all of the sudden this $23 dress would be at home anywhere along the French Riviera.

This is why I always bang on about investing in accessories.

Yeah, the shoes and the two scarves clocked in at just about $400 each, but I’ll have them until I die and can wear the scarves in a million ways with a million outfits and one tactfully deployed luxe piece makes an outfit look rich, which an expensive dress with cheap accessories kills a look deader than a Kennedy hooker.

Oh, you’ll notice it’s got an open back.

One could, I suppose, just wear it with a regular bra if you don’t care about your bra straps showing, or toss on a cardi, which you’d want to do if you were going to wear it to work or dinner anyway, but I wanted to be able to wear it backless so I took a risk and picked up Sin Bra.

For the record I teeter between a 38 DD and DDD, depending on the bra. Good genes mean I don’t have any droop, but I’m still not keen on traipsing around unfettered. I love the Sin Bra.

Basically, for $10 you get 6 sets of film-thin surgical adhesive cut outs and “petals” which you use like so:

And they worked. It was light and secure and although it didn’t give me that Foam Cups of Impenetrable Doom look, it definitely gave me the support I needed without feeling weird or uncomfortable like the silicone cutlets do, plus they’re waterproof so you can wear them swimming.

I can’t say they’ll work for everyone, but they worked a mint for me. They get two thumbs (among other things) up from Miss Plumcake. If you have the need, go git you some.

*Nose, they’re on his nose

She is a woman of a certain age and a life-long Episcopalian. She is also, as her name would suggest, the former Dairy Duchess of a small Texas town. The story of her coronation is not mine to tell, but it’s hilarious and involves giving the future Tyler Rose Queen ringworm.

To appreciate this story you need to know two things:

• The Episcopal Church, is color-coded according to the liturgical season. Lent is purple, Easter is white and so on and so forth. A few years ago our parish decided to change the liturgical hangings for the pre-Christmas season from the traditional violet to the more historically accurate sarum blue. There was a bit of an uproar.

• The Dairy Duchess has, in addition to a remarkable vocal pitch and timbre, perhaps THE most magnificent example of an East Texas accent to have ever punctured my eardrums. It is an accent for the ages.

Scene: A rehearsal of the Bless Their Hearts Choir, sometime before Christmas. Apropos of exactly nothing, the Dairy Duchess announces in her inimitable exasperated warble:

“Y’aaaaall. I’m upset. I’ve stuck with you through the women. I’ve stuck with you through the gays. But now y’all have done gone and changed the color of Advent!!!”

That’s pretty much exactly how I feel about the revamping (as it were) of Lane Bryant’s Plunge bras.

The traditional Lane Bryant Plunge Bra –affectionately known as the “What Seems To Be The Problem, Officer?” bra– has been my go-to boulder holder for years, regardless of size.

I am a big girl but I don’t have a huge rack, they’re high and wide-set, so most other bras I’ve found made for big girls make me feel like I’m being strangled. The Plunge was just right.

(old plunge vs new plunge…will the magic still be there?)

Each time I put one on, it’s like a warm handshake from an old friend. An old friend who gets me out of speeding tickets, makes new lines to open up for me at the grocery store and scores me drinks a-plenty wherever I so please.

Yet, when I went to pick up a new batch last night, my trusty pal was nowhere to be found.

I was informed Lane Bryant had discontinued them, and were replacing my beloved sexy black lace plunge bras with the removable air pads with foam-molded cotton bras “More like the t-shirt bras” according to the sales gal.

Great.

I hate foam molded bras, because they assume all breasts are created equal when that is CLEARLY not the case. I don’t need/want padding where someone else might, and those little air pads let me maneuver the gals around in a pleasing arrangement instead of following some Stalinist rack regime.

A quick jump to the Lane Bryant site shows the traditional plunge bra as still available, and there is also something called the Luxury Lace Plunge which I haven’t seen in stores yet that look very much like my beloved WSTBTPO one, but until I try it on I cannot be sure.

A friend of mine who works at Lane Bryant has informed me they’ve also redone the balconette and several other bras, making them much harder to fit in her opinion so if you’ve got a favorite, you might want to stock up before they disappear.

While at the store, I tried on their new Cotton Boost Plunge.

The good:

• It fits really well. It’s comfortable, but sets firm boundaries. I don’t feel like it’s trying to choke me, the straps are relatively thin (I like that; you might not) and wide-set on the shoulders but don’t fall down. It’s seamless under a thin nylon jersey, the band stays put with three hooks instead of four and comes down on the sides enough to not cause indelicate rolls of splodgy fat.

The bad:

• It’s slightly foam padded, which I hate. It also doesn’t actually boost anything, which would be fine except the word boost is kind of in the name, so a girl is expecting at least a little oomph. I also found the sizing to be weird. I wear a 38DD (the extra D is for Damn!) in every single Lane Bryant Bra except this one, where I take a 38DDD. I tried on the DD, and it gave me quadraboob. Not a good look.

Conclusion:

• I’d call this the t-shirt bra for the woman who hates t-shirt bras. It’s not going to revolutionize your rack, but it’s a good compromise for a girl who wants the look of a t-shirt bra but hates the Ginormous Foam Cups of Death. I picked up two and I have a feeling they’ll both be seeing a lot of service under my various soccer jerseys this summer where shape and smoothness count more than cleavage. But I’ll still drive the speed limit.

At Lane Bryant you’ve got 30% your entire order until March 25th using code 000300384. I’m a big fan of the cargo jegging which is really more of a riding pant with cargo detailing than a legging. It’s surprisingly well-made and makes my legs look like ten miles of very good road.

I’m also digging the tissue-weight striped sweaters they’re practically giving away. They’re low cut but If you’ve got a defined waist and a good bust, this will be all about Brigitte Bardot on you.

From One Stop Plus you’ve got your choice of sales codes.

Use OSPCOUPON7 for 40% off a single item or OSPCOUPON8 for $20 off your $50 purchase, $25 off a $75 one and $30 off $100. Have you stocked up on slips? If not, now is the time. Whether you prefer shapers or full slips, get your underpinnings in order before those light spring dresses come out of the closet.

At  Avenue you can take 50% off your highest priced item using code JLE4473 and take 40% off your entire clearance purchase if you use code AV111081.

That’s right, you can double up on coupons. I’m liking this mini ottoman dress (get a better belt though, I’ve seen it in person) for your full-priced item and then clean up on denim with your clearance coupon.

If you’ve not been turned on to Amazon’s monthly $5 album downloads, you’re missing something good. There are some killers this month including The Velvet Underground & Nico, The Rolling Stones’ Let It Bleed,( featuring two of the most iconic album covers of all time. Everyone knows Andy Warhol’s “peel slowly and see” banana for Louie Blue and the VU, but far fewer people know the woman responsible for Keef’s cake was none other than Delia Smith)  OK Computer from Radiohead, Marvin Gaye’s What’s Going On and The Score from the Fugees.

Reading: Twenty Love Poems and a Song of Despair by Pablo Neruda – Dual Language Edition Do you want to know how good Pablo Neruda’s love poems are? They got me into a co…commi….into one of those things, with the two people and the feelings and the listening instead of replaying Gareth Bale’s jaw-dropping hat trick at the San Siro in your head until it’s your turn to talk again. That’s powerful mojo.

Watching: Turtles Can Fly I say watching because I can only get through about fifteen minutes at a time. The first movie filmed in Iraq after Hussein’s fall, it takes place on the eve of the American invasion and tells the story of 13 year-old Satellite and his young friends who clear minefields in a Kurdish refugee camp on the Turkish border. Equal parts Les 400 Coups, The Great Escape and Waiting for Godot, it’s not easy to watch but it’s as important a film that’s been made in the past decade.

Hearing: Cultura Profetica – DiarioHot hot babymakin’ reggae en Español. Sure back in college I owned Bob Marley “Legend” and watched The Harder They Come with a bunch of my trustafarian pals one night, but that’s about as far as I got. Until, of course, I get this dropped on me –in Spanish– by my…uh…person friend:

I would like to live in your legs
Creeping up you like ivy
Or sail the thousand leagues
fixed at the helm of your hips

Yeah.

Smelling: Serge Lutens – Ambre Sultan Let us make a hypothetical situation. Let us say that once upon a time, and definitely not like, the first weekend in January or anything, there was a girl who had a special friend (and that was totally okay because it was before her person friend came in the picture) and that special friend happened to be a scorchin’ hot former professional soccer player from Casablanca. And let’s hypothetically say that one day this special friend invited the girl over to his house for a homemade Moroccan meal and to watch Casablanca in the traditional way, which apparently involves a several-hour massage with sweet almond oil and some mysterious green stuff he got at the souk followed by some premier grade necking, something just highly ill-advised involving mint tea and eventually breakfast. With me so far? All of that, without the mint (which seriously, I give points for creative enthusiasm, but that was just poor planning all around). That’s Ambre Sultan. Or so I’ve heard.

Loving: Better Business Bureau Charity Checker (click here for a list of BBB-approved organizations doing relief work in Japan). Chip in if you can.

Hating: Everyone in town for SXSW. Listen, I get it. I love Austin too, that’s why I live here. But you and your girl jeans and your ironic facial hair can just go back to Cleveland now. Stand up straight, get that hair out of your eyes and get a soul-killing job like the rest of us!

Wanting: Jeanne Moreau’s buffalo plaid cap from Jules et Jim. WHY? WHY is it so hard to find this thing? I just don’t understand.

Buying: Dream Curves Seamless Hi-Waist Bike Short Man I love these things. Alluring? Not so much, but I like the way they smooth my stuff out without locking it down. There’s nothing worse than shapewear that pancakes your butt or causes the Vesuvius of all muffin tops. Plus they don’t roll, by which I mean they roll a little but not so much they make me want to die and or kill.

Patterned tights are a great way to transition from daywear to datewear (yeah, I hate myself for saying that, but it’s true) and add just enough downtown cool so you look put together and polished, but not stuffy or like you should be behind the counter at Macy’s telling me about my gift with any $25 Estee Lauder purchase.

And I’ve gotta tell you, I’m also kind of psyched because it’ll let me get away without buying a ton of new dresses.

As you know, Miss Plumcake keeps a very tight rein on her wardrobe, but I’ve got several pieces that have seen their seven years of service and are being set out to pasture this fall, making my wardrobe that much smaller.

A fab pair of patterned tights is an excellent way to dress up a relatively conservative dress and create a new look from a capsule wardrobe. Since the visual focus will be on the tights, not the dress, if you find yourself traveling and only being able to take one or two dresses with you, this can save you a world of heartache by creating new looks with a minimum of pieces (also try to find a dress you can wear back-to-front).

Plus, and I’m just putting this out here. I got short legs.

Yep, although I’m tall like giant, I don’t suffer from an overelongation of pins and these vertical stripes? Make my legs go on for MILES (or kilometers, depending on where you’re reading this and where my legs happen to be at the time).

(how cute would these be on a dress that’s just a teensy bit too short to rock  without legwear, so the lace peeks out a bit?)

Remember, when wearing patterned tights, ideally you want to go for a closed-toe shoe unless you KNOW you know what you’re doing.

TODAY  ONLY save 50% off your highest priced item at Jessica London using code JLE4559, if you miss today never fear. Use code JLE4994 to take a still very respectable 40% off until June 20th. Combine it with their already pretty swingin’ summer sale and you’ve got some major bargains happening.

I’m digging the following pieces in a big way:

I bemoan the fact I don’t wear blazers well because I am all. over. this striped jacket.  Originally $80, it’s yours for $25.

The bead detail along the underbust and the sari-influenced pattern and pleating of this maxi dress in airy georgette is just special enough so you can wear it out to sundry festivals and activities and project “yes, I’m at a festival, but I still have glama!”  Was $90, with coupon it’s now $35.

Sigh, these pants? These pants are summer. I think we already know my weakness for the magical flattering powers of a wide leg trouser, but mix in a linen blend AND a mouth-watering color? I’m sunk. On sale for $15 (I KNOW) down from $50.

And speaking of weaknesses, you know how I love zebra anything, and I’m really hearting this maillot with zebra action. Finally a break from the all black/hibiscus/blue bathing suits, marked down to only $25.

Over at Lane Bryant I am very intrigued indeed by their brand new sports bras which are buy one get one 50% off, plus with $15 off a $50   purchase (or $25 off $75) using code 015003030 you could take home both this racer back criss-cross microfiber bra and the (admittedly perplexing) ultimate sports bra for only $42, combined! That’s like buying one and getting the other for $4.

Over at 6pm.com they’re having a sale on Charles by Charles David that is “bigger ‘n Dallas” in the language of my people.

I like the pomegranate (possibly?) pattern on the green sandals (also? GREEN) marked 74% off to $20, and these champagne leather sandals look a GREAT DEAL like a pair of Valentinos I own and love, except my funny valentines were $700 and these are on sale for $47. Not that I’m bitter.

And finally, because it’s World Cup time, I would be remiss in including a few physical activity-related item, namely the Reebok 75cm stability ball which is currently rocking my face off with its excellent stretching and core strength exercises, and –because I don’t want to be the only journalist or blogger to not jump on this buzzy bandwagon– the vuvuzela, bane of soccer players and gift of Scrabble players everywhere. Get yours today. You neighbors will love it.

It’s actually a fairly slow week for sales thanks to the swing back from Memorial Day, so we’re doing something a little different.   One of the things I hate hate HATE is when people I know copy my personal style –which is pretty specific– just a little too closely. It’s awkward for everyone involved. I’ll never forget that day years ago when I walked into church to find some sweet but terribly misguided Young Thing wearing what can only be described as a Plumcake costume.

In the parlance of my people, “I liketa died.”

That being said, I thought it might be fun –and I invite you all to play along in the comments– to actually CREATE a Plumcake costume using the sales this week.  Create your own costume in the comments field, just don’t worry if it takes a few minutes to post. It might get caught in the pending filter.

First up are these Original Ray Ban Wayfarers in dark tortoise shell, on sale at Lord and Taylor using code FRIENDS to take 25% off your entire purchase. I never leave my house without my torties, which are just as cool as the traditional black ones but a bit more sophisticated.

These are timeless timeless timeless and perfect for either sex, so if your father is still wearing those tragiculous Blu-Blockers, why not buy him a pair of Wayfarers?  He’ll look like  an Italian movie star (white loafers not included.)

And if I’m never without my Wayfarers I’m never ever without my Hermes scarf. In fact, you could probably execute a fairly reputable Plumcake costume with just the scarf and the sunnies, plus a pair of vintage clip ons.

Pictured here is my absolute favorite foulard from my not-inconsiderable collection. It’s called Les Rivieres de Babel and although I have it in the aqua, there is precisely ONE of these available for purchase  from Potero (on sale too, it is to weep), so get it quick. It’s the only scarf I’ve ever paid a premium for and the photos simply do NOT do it justice. So pretty. So SO pretty.  When a woman d’une certain age showed up fresh off the plane from Paris with it wrapped around her neck, I fell in love and proceeded to hairlip hell until I located one and purchased it with much whimpering of bank account and a month of meal planning that involved the phrase “beans and toast” more often that I typically find ideal.  And you know what? Worth. Every. Penny.

And of course one good turn of Hermes deserves another: the Hermes Bolide in brown box calf.  Again, there’s only one of them, but it’s at 63% off retail and in great condition. Of course as with all Hermes bags, it is entitled to the legendary spa, where loved bags are buffed, primped and polished back to new. Now in the spirit of full disclosure: I don’t own a Bolide, I have a Birkin which I received as a break up gift (sorta) and have used exactly once, but for all the folderol over the Birkin being il handbag di tutti handbags, I’d kinda rather have the Bolide.

Moving from the screamingly expensive to the cheap and cheerful, I mentioned earlier you could compose a pretty decent Plumcake costume with just the scarf, sunglasses and a pair of vintage clip on earrings.

I couldn’t tell you how many pairs of vintage earbobs I own. Hundreds probably. I might even know where a few of them are (I always carry some sparklies in my purse in case I need to put them on in a flash, and usually a few pair at the office, in the car…wherever)

It is a shameful truth that, like snails leave slime and skunks leave stink, I leave a trail of  earrings wherever I roam.  I’ve tried to fix it, but to no avail. I almost always find them again eventually, but in case I don’t, I really hate to invest too much.

I’m a sucker for figural earrings, or something with a little hint of whimsy, like these floral ear clips on clearance from La Vintage, which will set you back a measly 17 smackaroos.

These little darlings measure about 3/4″ and are just about exactly what I go for in an earring. Casual but still a little sparkly, charming but not cutesy and pretty enough to draw light but not so spectacular as to draw attention away from my face.

If you’re not in the habit of wearing earrings, give it a shot.  I have pierced ears but only wear clip-ons, so I can pull them off or put them on at a moment’s notice.  Also, you should always ALWAYS wear earrings when trying on clothing  (nothing dangly, please). You’ll be amazed on how much more put together you’ll look, just with a simple pair of bobs.

More fabulousness after the jump, clicky click!

Well let’s move from my ears to my neck.

We all know Miss Plumcake loves some perfume and Monday in the comments, faithful reader Lisa asked for some summer fragrance recommendations (she assures me her Rossy de Palma perfume from Etat Libre de Orange isn’t strong enough to stun a wild ox, but I’m not so sure, that’s some potent juice).

The problem is, most of the perfume I wear isn’t readily available online, or at least not conveniently.

An exception is my beloved Diptyque L’Ombre dans l’Eau, a lovely blackcurrent leaf bomb with a hint of early morning rose. It’s light and green enough for summer, but it’s not just some one-note cologne.  I keep a bottle of it in my glovebox (note: this is bad for your perfume, don’t do this at home) to spritz when I need a refresher.

It’s not overly complex, but you know, you don’t need a ballgown and furs every day, sometimes a linen dress will do.

SPEAKING of linen dresses, I love them. I’ll never know why people are so terrified of linen.

It doesn’t wrinkle nearly as badly as most people seem to think, and when it does crumple, it looks elegant, not messy. I’ve been positively living in this dress from J Jones New York for the past few weeks. If you wanted to come up with a standard Plumcake Dress, you couldn’t get much more perfect than this (okay, the neck would be a little deeper and there would be sleeves, but I wear a little white cardi and call it a day).

Most of my linen is lined, but this isn’t so I always wear a slip. Honestly I wear a slip most of the time anyway. It keeps me cooler in the summer and warm in the winter, plus I like knowing when The Archbishop of my Pants finally whisks me away to Canterbury at a moment’s notice, at least I’ll be dressed for entertaining.

I’m particularly liking this coral chemise from Torrid, which is a steal at $28. I think I’m going to go back and order a few more in black.

And while we’re on the subject of underthings, let me come clean once and for all: I wear granny panties.

Love ‘em.

You can keep your thongs and your creatively cut tangas, you will pry the granny pants off my cold dead backside, which will be challenging because I fully expect several beefy men to have thrown themselves on my dead but still lovely corpse in grief.

Besides, I think a nice nude or black full coverage brief in either a solid or lace is WAY sexier than those embarrassing striped and polkadotted novelty britches that look like granimals for grownups.  PLUS I spend most of my waking life (okay SOME of my waking life) suffering for the sake of beauty and I draw the line at walking around with something that uncomfortable lodged in my intimate person without at least getting dinner first.

These are by far my favorite undies on the planet.  The seamless brief from Lane Bryant, normally $15 each  they’re 3 for $29 right now.  I drove from Austin to the Grand Canyon in these (well, two pair, it took two days) and nary a chafe or wedge in sight. I always keep a spare pair in my car because, like the good scout I am, I’m always prepared.

Speaking of being prepared, here’s something you might not know about your pal Plumcake: I collect old umbrellas.

Umbrellas, like cars, just aren’t as cool now as they were way back when.

I’d picked up a few here and there for years, but it wasn’t until I was first in London tooling around the City that I realized how chic an umbrella could be. All these gorgeous silver foxes with their stiff upper lips and tightly wrapped umbrellas. It made the knees quiver.

Unfortunately, I’ve never had the expendable dosh to walk into James Smith and have a silver banded whangee cane fit-up made especially for me, or the legendary Brigg No. 92 with a flask in the handle that will set a girl back close to a grand, but I do require my bumbershoots to have at least a certain element of panache. A cheap and cheerful alternative is this charming lady’s umbrella. I’ll never understand why people don’t put a little more thought into their umbrellas. I mean, either they’re boring old Totes or embarrassingly cutesy. But when do you need a dash of charm more than when you’re walking in the rain? I particularly like a lighter colored parpluie for spring and summer showers. It can do double duty as a parasol for a picnic or when your beloved is rowing you across a limpid pool while you read Byron. People still do that, right?

FINALLY you can’t have a Plumcake costume without a truly fabulous pair of shoes, preferably with an almond toe, small platform, elegant heel, timelessly styled  and –if you want to tease me because I don’t own a single item of pink clothing and only two sets of black shoes but about 10 pairs of pink shoes– they ought to be pink.

I am crazy for these “Taro” heels from Brian Atwoods and while I didn’t pay the retail of $725 for them, I paid a heck of a lot more than what you’d pay for them now that they’re on major sale at Bluefly. NOT THAT I’M BITTER, BLUEFLY. But they matched my criteria: they had to be stylish in the 40′s, 70′s and today. These are “sixty year shoes” and

So that’s it, ten easy steps to the perfect Plumcake costume. I want to know what I would need to dress in YOUR costume, so be sure to tell me in the comments!

Nevertheless, check out this fabulous visual guide to how a good bra should fit and function. The model used is a 32D Prima Donna bra that I may actually covet. Have I checked to see if it comes in my size? Of course not. I’m too used to disappointment when the pretty bras just don’t come in a 40 band or bigger.

Speaking of which, I really, really, really hate the fact that nearly every bra that comes in my band size and isn’t from the Cacique line which usually features straps that are far too prone to fall off my extremely narrow shoulders, comes only in white, beige, or black. There are some exceptions, of course. I’ve got a couple of Bali bras that I found in blue, and I’ve seen some very pretty browns. Sometimes pink is available, which is great for those who do pink. Playtex has a plus line that comes in lots of pretty colors and even a few prints.

But if a bra comes in ‘normal’ sizes and ‘plus’ sizes, chances are the pretty runs out at a 36 or 38 band. Find a bra that comes in leopard print and bright red and emerald green and royal blue, and I can pretty much guarantee that those colors will disappear as soon as you cross the dreaded 38 line, if not before.

Hey bra manufacturers? Guess what? A 40 band or larger does not stop us from having sexy times with people who might enjoy seeing pretties. A 40 or larger band does not stop us from finding pretty bras fun even when nobody else will ever see them, just because. Make a bra that supports a rack of doom and allows the wearer to feel just a tidge frivolous, and I’m betting it will sell… especially if you can manage to sell it for less than a hundred smackers a pop.

Just a thought.