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Mission Monday | Manolo for the Big Girl
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Mission Monday: Let’s Hear it for the Girl!

Women have a reputation –deserved or not– for not liking other women.  Personally, I dig chicks and my life is infinitely better for the various and sundry kick ass women who’ve entered it.

This week’s mission is to find one of the women who has made a positive difference in your life and write her a thank-you letter.  It could be the first woman who showed you that it was possible to say no graciously or your first boss who encouraged instead of sabotaged you. It could be the aunt who stood up to the bully of the family, the female clergyperson who consoled you through a miscarriage or your kid sister who battled cancer. Heck it could just be that girl at work who told you that maybe you needed a lighter foundation to avoid the dreaded scourge of Easter-egg neck.

Whoever it is, say thank you. It’s hard enough being a woman, why not spread a little kindness?

Mission Monday: Goodbye Baby Blue Eyeshadow

Howdy gang! I just got back from a patently miserable mini-break where I was cruelly forced to stay in a place (hotel is too kind, brothel is too…kind) that shall forever go down in my memory as “The Busty Mermaid”

On the off chance I had the opportunity to leave my room –I was rained in and stuck on the world’s oldest and soggiest “Super Glamourpedic” mattress, the likes of which haven’t been seen outside a Dateline special or the CDC since 1965– I was subjected to some serious fashion don’ts courtesy of the other guests.

The biggest fashion don’t does not apply to us –it was a man in a cowboy hat, jeans, no shirt and a brilliant set of scratches down his back which he wore as a badge of pride (I expect he thought it was evidence of passionate lovemaking, in actuality it looked like evidence of the ill-advisedness of getting in the ring during an illegal cock fight) — but the sins of his female companion, which were as glaring and irritating as her neon orange nails– should serve as warning to us all.

Friends, this week’s mission is to get rid of all make up that is either expired or never suited you to begin with. Some people can wear electric blue eyeshadow. Some people –namely those who have never been married to Richard Burton or been the Queen of Egypt– cannot. Adjust accordingly.

Mission Monday: Tragical History Tour

Y’all. There are a lot of bad clothes out there. I know, I own some. We ALL own some. This week the Big Girl mission is to get rid of something that plagues our closet. Don’t hold onto it because you spent a lot of money for it or maybe it will come back in style. Ugly clothes — much like venereal disease and step children you drop off in the woods– always come back. And guess what? They will still be ugly.

So this week I will finally toss that gold lamé toreador outfit with the matching black satin capri pants (avec bugle bead fringe. Alluring, no?) that I’ve been storing in the back of my closet with the idea that some day I could maybe turn it into some sort of burlesque costume.

What will you be getting rid of? If I could make a suggestion, anything that makes you look like you’re wearing the drapes from Holly Hobby’s vanagon should be first on the pile.

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$370 at Saks.com

Mission Monday: Find Your Bad Girl

“I don’t try things, I just do them”

Thus spake Tura Satana, better known as the murderous Varla in Russ Meyer’s seminal sexploitation flick “Faster Pussycat! Kill! Kill!

Your mission this week is to find your inner bad girl. I don’t mean the silly Cameron Tuttle books that confuse being bad with being easy. I mean dig deep down and find that woman who knows her own mind and will give you a piece of it free of charge if you dare to get between her and her dream (or her hot rod).

Tura Satana is mine…now you have to figure yours.