It’s Monday and even though it’s not raining, it feels like it should be. I spent yesterday nobly stopping myself from stabbing in the face each and every of the multitude of mouth breathers who said “hey! Whaddya think of this cool weather?”
It’s not cool.
It’s 90 degrees and I think I want to drown you in an 80 gallon drum of red-eye gravy.
Granted, 90 degrees is cooler than 100 degrees, but it is not actually cool. It will never be cool again, and I’m just going to have to line my spare bedroom with tarp and pour 50 kilos of baby powder on the floor so I can roll around in it like pig, resigned to a life of thigh chafing and make-up melting misery.
Bah. What we need is a good old-fashioned Battle of the Monday Moon Boots. Granted, these aren’t technically moon boots, but they’re big and ugly and they’re guaranteed to make your feet smell like that guy at the falafel cart whose shirt sticks out a good inch and a half off his body, nestled on a thick pillow of back hair.
First I give you Guiseppe Zanotti’s offering. G.Zot makes some of the world’s most spectacularly bad and expensive footwear. These are pretty darn great. You’ve got your 1970’s Gucci belt up top, your grandma’s Haband e-z comfort winter slippers at the bottom and in between it is nothing but sweet, sweet virgin yeti.
BUT are they better than these uggos by Taryn Rose, who also makes almost profoundly fug footwear?
Friends, we aren’t just looking at ugly and expensive almost-moon boots. We’re looking at ugly and expensive RABBIT FUR moon boots. That’s right, rabbit fur. When I was in 4th grade Alana Eidelmann had this GIANT rabbit fur bomber jacket and I just thought it was the most fabulous thing EVER and I complained and complained about how UNFAIR it was that I didn’t have one until my grandmother took time out of her busy schedule of chain smoking to tell me that little girls who wore rabbit fur grew up with round heels. I thought that meant she got rollerskates, too.
You’ll be gratified to know that both of these monstrosities retailed for WELL over a thousand dollars each, but you can get them on significant sale at Zappos.com. Imagine that.