Manolo for the Big Girl

The trouble with telling people that you write about fashion is that people automatically ask you what you think about their outfits, and that can end in heartache, and by “heartache” naturally I mean “an entire weekend spent with twelve ounces of the finest porterhouse strapped on your recently rearranged face.”

Do not, under any circumstance heed the old chestnut “unless you have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all” for this will end in heartache as well.  Not saying anything when confronted by a big girl who –from the tip of her Bjork mini-bunned head to the bottom of her  beskulled stirrup-panted feet– is the hottest hot mess in the tri-county area will always fail.

Would that I had listened to my own advice. Thankfully, I escaped what our friend Billy S.  refers to as a “predestinate scratched face”  but not by much.

Which brings me to my second point: unless you are currently straddling a horse, stirrup pants = no.

Until a few days ago, had you bet me cash money that you could go into a store and emerge with a pair of stirrup pants I would have taken your bet and planned all sorts of vainglorious and complicated victory dances plus an array of remarks involving “your mom” to be performed upon my certain triumph.

Yet somehow they are making a resurgence. Who? Who are these people? Do they not know what pants are? Did my 5th grade closet become some sort of sacred shrine without me knowing? And most importantly, if stirrup pants are back, how far away can we possibly be from puffpaint sweatshirts, multiple Swatches and, God help me, butt bows?

The lip, she quivers.

Oh slingbacks. You are so pretty, but so evil…it’s like me in shoe form. You have thin soles, I have no soul at all. We’re like twins.

Yet I have avoided you, as many of us with the Flinstonian feets do, because it’s just so hard to get you to fit right. Oh how I’ve suffered with slingbacks. If they’re wide enough in the toe box, they’re too big in the back and if they’re juuust snug enough to ensure your foot won’t slip down in front, the ding dong (as Style Spy would say) back won’t get up over your heel without a threat, a bribe and three broken nails.

It’s a heartache to be certain.

But Plumcake is here to save you! Last week, inspired by a beautiful pair of Saks Fifth Avenue-brand croc print peep-toe slingbacks –very much an homage to the beloved Louboutin design shown below– I had what can only be described as a remarkably rare fit of brilliance.

These little lovelies fit beautifully in the toe and I knew if I could just get the sling back in appropriate position they would be mine forever. First I tried tugging them up with my finger in the band. No joy. Then I tried coaching them up with my nails. No luck there either, and I broke two nails. All the while a velvet ribbon I was wearing to keep my hair back kept flopping into my eyes. Out of frustration I tore off the stupid ribbon and then a beautiful leather-soled light bulb popped on above my head.

I put the shoe on as far as I could, looped the ribbon around the pesky elastic so I was holding the back of the shoe in a sort of sling, and just pulled up. It slid onto my foot bee-yoo-tifully and the slingbacks, ribbon and I have lived happily ever after.

The End.

Style Spy who has just returned from London and Paris, has a part-time job of systematically turning me on to Expensive Things I Didn’t Know I Needed like niche perfume or, oh, Hermés scarves. Have I always sort of just back-of-the-mind-y wanted an Hermés scarf? Mais bien sur (that’s French for “boy howdy”) but did I know until she returned with two of the sexy beasts that I could not possibly live another red hot second without 35 square inches of incredibly expensive silk wrapped around the place my neck would be if genetics had seen fit to endow me with something other than 2 inches of alabaster tree stump to separate my head from my torso? No friends, I did not.

I asked if, upon her return, she would be kind enough to help me find a new perfume and she –a self-identified “frag hag”– graciously obliged. Saturday night found us on the floor of her apartment drinking sparkling pinot, talking about boys and spraying scents on blotter of at least thirty hand-labeled tiny vials of perfume.

For those of you new to the world of decants –I’m a recent convert myself– it’s a way to inexpensively test pricey or hard-to-find fragrances without shelling out for a whole bottle. A decant is a small glass vial containing between 1/2 and 5 ml of “juice” that has been measured out from a larger bottle using medical-grade equipment. You cannot buy decanted perfume on eBay, but never you fear. The Perfumed Court sells decants of just about every fragrance you can imagine, including many discontinued scents and a special section of perfumes that are not available in the United States, usually for somewhere around $4 a pop.

The Perfumed Court even offers sampler packs, including various introductions to perfume houses like Lutens or Caron, noses (perfume designers) or scent families, so you can decide which flavor works best with your skin.

Oh and they are a positive wealth of scrabble-winning words. Example: “sillage” n., The scent trail a woman leaves as she walks by. Forty seven points on a double word score!

Internet Friend Brittany writes:

I’ve never been a tights girl. I’m from Texas, it’s just unnecessary. But now I live in place with an actual winter so I’m intrigued by this whole tights thing. I understand that a good way to wear them is with tall boots. I do not own tall boots because I have big thick tree-trunk legs and as much as people insist that boots exist for me, I am also without the budget for such a purchase as we approach the holiday season. So, what are the other shoe options for tights? Black pumps seem boring and pumps of another color seem too Minnie Mouse. Flats perhaps? See, I need help!

Brittany. Do not panic. We know you’ve been kidnapped. If you’re reading this, you have access to the internet, so let’s walk through this together. I want you to open a new window and type in www.mapquest.com. Are you there? Good. Now click on that button that says “Directions” it’s got a little blue car underneath. Excellent. Now click that and when the next screen comes up, I want you to type in where you currently are being held. No, you don’t need to know the zip code. Okay, now where it says destination, you just type in TX. Don’t worry about where, the important thing is we get you back into the state and away from those godforsaken places where people need things like “coats” and “heaters” and “toboggans” (which is TOTALLY a made up word and does not fool anybody)

There are a few keys to mixing tights and shoes. If you’re going with a statement shoe, keep the skirt on the short side to give the eye enough space to rest between objects of interest.

The shoe itself ought to be substantial –no frippy little sandals- and closed-toed. If you want to get really “editorial” I suppose technically you could wear a peep-toe, but I’ve rarely seen it pulled off with much success, so unless you’re positive it works, I’d avoid it.

Flats are an option if you’re not worried about the enstumpening (I love the idea of a prosh tartan skimmer with poms on the toe!) t-straps are great because they lend an architectural element and if you must wear ankle boots, pairing them with a contrasting tight shows makes a definite statement. For my money though, you cannot beat a nice suede maryjane. My current faves, by Charles Nolan, can be purchased for 40% off, perfect for the girl on the budget. Let’s see them again, shall we?
Here’s the green:

and here’s the plum:

Here are some more helpful visuals, courtesy of
Above is a t-strap by Alberta Ferretti, I love the way the strap lengthens the leg, a great way to wear metallics for day.

Some molto expensive ankle boots from Jimmy Choo. They give a strappy look, but have the bulk you’d need for a winter weight tight.

A green pump from Chloe. I particularly like the platform. It anchors the line and balances out the skirt.

I learned this little lesson from a couple of Washington, D.C. drag queens back in my plus-size modeling days.

What you will need
duct tape
scissors
a towel/ or sweater
breasts

First, and I cannot stress this enough. You must use your own rack. Barring that, use that of a willing friend. The best taped plans gang aft a-gley, as our friend Bobby Burns would say, when you try to lift and separate a stranger’s sweatermeat.

Secondly, unless you want your “crowning glories” to pop off like pen caps (is that creepy sounding? That’s creepy sounding right? I’m just trying to be delicate, but I guess that horse left the barn with sweatermeat.) you’ll need a nice fuzzy towel or sweater. You need the fuzzy sweater or towel to reduce the adhesive properties of the duct tape. If you forget to do this, it will End Badly and you will probably die.

Also, you should probably stretch first.

Tear two pieces of duct tape long enough to wrap across your torso from side to side. Place them sticky side down on the towel. These are the foundations of your foundation garment.

Tear two pieces of duct tape long enough to stretch from the underarm to the middle of the chest. These are your “underwires.” Tear each piece lengthwise so you will have four thin strips. Put those on the towel as well.

The assembly of the bra is more art than science, so you may have to winnie around a bit, but here are the general rules of application.

Leaning forward, place one of the long strips along your torso just under the bust line. This should give a bit of a heave to the whole bosom area. If you are applying the tape from the left to the right, lean a bit to the right and then to the left so that the gals are arranged for maximum cleave and minimum splooshy back fat.

Leaning forward and a bit to the left, apply one of the thin strips in a curve from under your arm –where your underwire would go– and pull snugly until the mammary in question is more or less where you feel it ought to be. Repeat for the right.

Apply the second long strip across your torso over and slightly above the first and add the final “underwire” strips in the same method as the first.

This might take a bit of fiddling, and as always, your cleavage may vary. If you’ve got a hard to wrangle rack you may end up using more tape, although, for structural integrity, I would not suggest using less.

To remove: hold the skin taut and peel back. It’s really not painful, as long as you remember to use that towel. Alternatively, take a shower.

Have fun, but be responsible! Oh, and there’s no use asking for a photo essay or diagram. I’m hopeless with a sketch pad and my dog can’t work a digital camera.

Shoes aren’t like vacuum cleaners or children, you can’t just put them in the closet when you’re done with them; they need special attention in order to be their best. For the fat-footed girl whose firm understanding of the ground sometimes leads to a painful situation in re: the little piggies, this is doubly true.

So here, from my closet to yours, are the indispensable tools that will make your Pradas less painful.

High Heel Shoe Stretcher

Shoe stretchers are like martinis, you can never have too many. I have two for heels and two for flats. The ones for heels are especially nice, with two you can pop these bad boys in a pair of pumps before for work in the morning and they’ll be prêt-à-party by the time you get home. Use with Shoe Stretcher Spray and they’ll work wonders.

Footpetals Stiletto Survival Kit

The Swiss Army knife of DIY shoe-doctoring, these are far and away the best cushions and pads I’ve ever used. A little spendy, but in my experience each kit usually pads two or three pairs of shoes. Besides, a flawless shoe is just an expensive paperweight unless you can actually wear them.

Extra Long Shoe Horn

Sure, the short ones work, but sometimes –especially for us tall gals– it’s a looong way down. These stop mashed-in heels just as well and are much more fun.

Duster Bags

Most high-end shoes come with dusters already but at less than two dollars each from Amazon, there is no reason you shouldn’t have a bag for each pair of shoes. It keeps your pretties protected and take up less room than boxes.

So there you have it, those are the tricks to the trade. If you have any hints or tips to make your heels less horrific, let me know!

Let’s make no mistake, Karl Lagerfeld –who had a Teutonic tantrum when H&M dared to produce his clothes in large sizes– is ten pounds of evil in a five pound bag and may quite literally have insides made up of nothing but German laxatives and the slitheriest of soul-rotting eels, but Chanel still knows how to churn out great makeup.

Witness friends, the Chanel Rouge Double Intensite. It is quite simply the best long-lasting lip color I have ever used. What’s more, “Sandstone” is in this blogger’s humble opinion, the most universally flattering neutral I’ve seen anywhere.

The Double Intensite is your basic two-step, paint’n'polish and infinitely creamier than drugstore brands but here’s a hint to avoid the dryness issue altogether: after you’ve put on the color –lightly– and let it dry, smear on your favorite non-mentholated lipbalm. You can leave it as is for a polished but understated pout (that’s what I do, especially when I’m working the smoky eye) or go glossy-glam and top it with the clear polish. It still lasts forever and no cracking, flaking lips!

Let me expand on what Francesca’s surely sainted mother said. Don’t leave the house without something that makes you feel fierce. If putting lipstick and earrings on makes you feel all stepfordy and weird, don’t do it. Plumcake herself, who’s got big ole Angelina Jolie lips, doesn’t wear much lipstick at all but I’d rather let Heinrich Himmler give me a Brazilian than leave the house without the eyelashes –extensions or individuals, depending on whether my fantabulous stylist friend has been over for Scarves and Sunnies Night* recently– that make my blue eyes bluer and lets me look pulled together and glamorous even if I wake up hung over, covered in bulldog slobber with 10 minutes to get to church which quite frankly, happens more often than you might think.

(Plumcake loves Dior Sunglasses, while hers aren’t available online here are a similar pair on big sale from Amazon.com)

It’s all about what makes you feel good about you. A wise old nun –seriously, penguin get-up and all (speaking of which, black and white is going to be all over the place for the next few seasons and I love it) — once told me to “always have more fun than anyone else” and I don’t know about you ladies, but it’s pretty hard for me to have fun when I’m tromping around feeling like the unfortunate and frumpy love child of a yeti and an Amish drag queen.

So wear earrings…or not. Wear lipstick…or not. But wear something, anything, that makes you look –and more importantly, feel– fantastic.

*Scarves and Sunnies Night: when Plumcake and her friends put on their glammiest sunglasses and scarves and pile into Stella, Plumcake’s fabulous-beyond-words classic Cadillac convertible, and drive around Austin, waving at the proletariat.

I don’t French kiss inanimate objects, it’s just a personal policy. Sure I might get a little snuggly with some flats at a traffic light, and okay if there’s a guy you know who’s in a coma but has a hospital wing named after his family, let me know, but otherwise the rule remains: no pulse, no pucker. That’s just the way I roll.

That being said, I totally want to kiss these things with tongues, and so should you.

The Footpetals “Stiletto Survival Kit” is a revelation and quite possibly the only reason I don’t fall face-first onto asphalt more often than I do (which is to say, more than once a day). I’ve used just about every insert on the planet and these are by far the best.

I don’t know how they do it, but I suspect it involves human sacrifice and harvesting unicorn horns at midnight, and you know what? I am totally okay with that. Well, not the human sacrifice because y’all know how I’d hate to see our readership go down, but seriously, what was the last thing a unicorn ever did for you?

I’m just sayin’.

Typically they’re 49.95 and worth every penny, but they are on super sale at www.footpetals.com. Bonus: use coupon code FPVIP207 and get an additional 20% off your order!