Is it a portmanteau of squeeze and seam?
Squeal and scream?

Not to mention SQUEEM makes me think of being squeamish, like I’m supposed to put on a girdle and then watch a HD video of my great uncle Jack try to remove his most furry and misshapen moles with toenail clippers.

*shudder*

Gah. I just grossed myself out.

I’m not going to pretend I understand the 40 year-old Brazilian company’s choice of nomenclature, nor do I understand why the language options on the website are English and Spanish but not, you know, Portuguese, the language they speak in Brazil.

I also don’t understand the whole Virtuous Circle thing, which I’m hoping are just bad translations from Portuguese because neither the English nor the Spanish version stands up to any sort of rigorous logic.

One thing leads to another. From better body to better mind to a better you. Squeem is designed for weight loss and instant progress. [...] Immediate results will make you care more for your body; giving you the long-term benefits you’ll need for a complete transformation, and that is The Virtuous Circle.

Howlingly bad copy aside (oh, and the music on every page of their website. Every. Page. and it doesn’t remember your audio preferences so if you’re going to go to the site, just turn off your speakers) this is actually a pretty good product and it comes in sizes up to 4X.

Here’s how it went down:

The folks at Squeem were all up in my kool aid for months trying to send me a sample for review and I wasn’t all that interested because frankly, I get a lot of free junk through this site and most of it is just exactly that: Junk.

I’m not interested in getting it, I’m not interested in reviewing it and I’m certainly not interested in having it take up closet space, affronting the dignity of all my nice stuff by its very presence.

Still, I had a look around their site and aside from the audio and the gross abuse of Flash, I generally liked what I saw so I ordered the “Perfect Waist“.

Squeem has light control products when all you really need is some smoothing, the “Control Fit” which has a much firmer grip and “I Ain’t Playin’ With You” (okay, that’s not actually what they call it) that’s pretty much just pure rubber and will make you sweat like at least one, if not several, stuck pigs.

What makes Squeem special, supposedly, is this magical rubber and cotton treatment that gives you all the compression of the former with all the comfort of the latter.

Uh huh. Sure. A rubberized slimmer that breathes. I’ll put that right up there with unicorns, fat female romantic leads and Mexican cops who don’t take bribes on the Never Gonna Happen shelf.

But I’ll be damned if it didn’t actually work.

I’m not going to say the Perfect Waist felt like wearing a flimsy cotton chemise, but considering there’s practically an entire rainforest worth of rubber in there, I didn’t get sweaty at all. It was warm but completely breathable. How? How is that possible? More importantly, what does this mean for my chances of meeting a unicorn or an unbuyable cop?

Sqeem’s maiden voyage on the Good Ship Plumcake happened in October when I went to meet Hot Latin Boy’s mother for the first time.

I’m going to be honest: it flipped up a little at the bottom and down a little at the top.

Someone with a shorter waist would’ve been able to anchor both ends down with their undies and bra and probably avoid that problem, and still, it wasn’t such a big deal because the fabric is thin enough to not mess with the lines of an outfit if some flippage does accidentally occur, but it happened. Do with that what you will.

It was blessedly invisible under a thick ponte knit dress in a way my corset was not, and although I did have to take it off before I actually met his mother thanks to a panic attack (I was nervous enough to begin with and to get to her house we had to drive through Downtown Tijuana on a Friday night which is exactly as horrifying as it sounds, especially if you’re a woman with delicate sensibilities like myself. I can only endure the visual assault of so many clear heels at a time without dire medical repercussions, although in their defense, they WERE hookers.) I have no problems recommending SQEEM to anyone looking for quality shapewear.

The Perfect Waist isn’t going to replace my corset for major reshaping needs, but it’s telling that when I packed my suitcase of clothes for the big move to Villa Plumcake to tide me over while the rest of my stuff was in storage, the Perfect Waist came with me.

Grade: A-

I’m not sure what happened, but having lived in Mexico for very nearly a month now I feel qualified to say it was most likely a pelican or something that landed on a roof somewhere in the state of Baja California and screwed us all to hell for the better part of the day. Pelicans, man.

Fun fact: For the past 15 years, I thought pelican in Spanish was alcatraz (thanks for nothin’ ornithologically-challenged high school Spanish teacher). Turns out, Pelican in Spanish is –wait for it– pelicano. I know, kind of a let down. Alcatraz is actually albatross. However, it’s also the name for Calla lilies here.

This would have been valuable information to have in my Spanish-to-English arsenal BEFORE Hot Latin Boy, the biggest bleeding heart in this particular postal code when it comes to animals in need, announced he was bringing home 30 alcatraces for my front garden and could he pretty please borrow my shiny new SUV to pick them up.

I’m not gonna lie, kids: I had visions of two and a half dozen over-sized seabirds making their happy home in my garden being all messy and foreshadowing my ironic briny death and whatnot. I was not best pleased.

Anyhoodle.

Remember two weeks ago when we were talking about niche designers and how they’re worth a gander (again with the avian allusions?) even if their clothes in general are not your cup of what you tell your HR director is tea?

Here is a case, perfectly illustrated.

As I’ve mentioned before, I was very much a rockabilly girl in my early 20′s and many of my friends still identify with the saddle shoes and safety pin set. One of them, the massively talented Double Down Dixie from Red Light Burlesque, turned me on to Mode Merr.

Mode Merr is a neatly edited online boutique of pinup-flavored designs offered in straight and plus sizes by Angela Zampell, all handmade in the good old U.S. of A.

Admittedly, most of the designs are too literal in their pinup interpretation for my lifestyle (please hold on while I shake an angry fist at the sky) but let me draw your attention to The Original Vamp Dress:

Now okay, everything looks good on Bernie Dexter and it’s hard to see the exact construction and fabrication of the dress, but I thought for fifty smackeroos, I could take a chance and if it ended up just being a shapeless knit sweater dress sort of thing, I wouldn’t be out a ton of cash.

First of all, I found a coupon code moments after I’d ordered my dress, so I emailed Angela to ask her if she’d apply it, figuring it was a long shot, but a test of customer service. She did, no questions asked.

Then an item I’d ordered –I suspect plus sizes might be made-to-order– turned out to be unavailable she included a handwritten note explaining they couldn’t source any more of the material in that pattern. Handwritten, folks. Oh, and my entire package was tied up like a present in red lace trim, a cute nostalgic touch.

Now let’s talk about the dress:

It should be noted the only time I’ve ever seen Hot Latin Boy have a flare of Hot Latin Jealousy was when I was wearing this dress. We had tentative plans for a late dinner so, not wanting to waste a good outfit, I decided to take myself to the one restaurant in my village so that I might avail myself of a margarita and a little harmless ego massage.

Well, HLB showed up to Villa Plumcake an hour early, just as I was leaving the house in the Vamp Dress and was convinced I had some secret hot date with the Lovelorn Boxer, because I looked so beautiful in “your so sexy dress”, and there was a whole semi-comic telenovela scene that would’ve been deeply endearing had I not been wearing 5″ silk heels and standing on cobblestone.

The next week we went to watch the Marquez v. Pacquiao fight and, not being an animal despite my enjoyment of watching heavily-lubricated men hit each other for money, I dressed up. The Vamp dress came out of the closet again and I was the belle of the boxing ball and a chair miraculously opened up for me the minute I stepped my size 41 foot in the completely packed room. Not bad for dress that hits below the knee, has long sleeves and shows no cleavage.

As it’s a vintage-styled piece, I wore it with the era-appropriate undergarments. Yes, that means a corset. By no means is it necessary, and next time I think I’ll just go with a waist cincher –I believe the fabric is a smooth acetate with a bit of stretch to it and the boning of my corset was semi-visible even under a slip– but I wanted the full Boris and Natasha (well, just the Natasha) so I went all the way.

Conclusion:

Mode Merr is great. The customer service is great. The Original Vamp Dress is great (FWIW I ordered it in XXXL and I’d call it a generous 18, true to size 20) and it’s the best fifty dollars I’ve ever spent on something that wasn’t Scotch. Go get you some. Mode Merr I mean, it’s nearly 5 p.m. in New York so I assume you already have the Scotch.

Today we have an interview with Miss Lucie Lu, designer and owner of the lovely Lucielu.com whose party dress I reviewed a few weeks ago and who was gracious enough to answer a few emailed questions.

You’re a straight sized independent designer who makes clothes exclusively for big girls. Tell me a little about your history, what lured you into designing for plus size gals?

I was always interested in fashion & designing & plus just seemed like the perfect under-served market to get into. When I started over 12 years ago–there wasn’t much out there. Remember those days!?

Vividly. Is LucieLu related to BandLu? If so, which of you is the evil twin?

Hmmm… this is a tricky one. LucieLu & BandLu are completely separate companies, but I was the “Lu” and one of the original founding sisters of BandLu for over 10 years. I did all the designing & buying there, which is why some people find my line reminiscent of BandLu a couple years back. I sold my half of the company in 2009 to move to a new city & pursue my very own vision and my now husband (barf, right?)

If it’s a bad review you have to worry about losing advertising revenue and if it’s a good review it can look like pandering to the almighty dollar (Dear Almighty Dollar, You look really pretty today. No, I mean it. Do you want to do some hot yoga and talk about people we don’t like? Call me! Love, Miss Plumcake) and then you lose credibility with your readership. This is why I’ve been putting off doing a review on advertiser and all-around nice girl Lucie Lu’s line of plus-size clothing.

Now here’s the disclaimer: Lucie Lu’s clothing is designed for a person who is not even remotely me. The Lucie Lu girl is very young, values quirkiness over chic, comfort over sophistication and is generally more of a busty apple than a pear. So when you don’t see me fawning over every piece saying I’ll die if I don’t have it in my closet, it’s not because they’re bad, it’s just that they’re not what I wear.

But actually, that’s a good thing.

Frankly, it’s not that hard to find fab clothes when you’re tall, more-or-less hourglass-shaped and have a decent amount of disposable income to throw at the situation. It’s when you’re quite young, short, racked-out or apple-shaped and working on a limited budget that things get difficult and that’s where Lucie Lu comes in.

The piece Lucie sent me was the Lace Party Dress a flirty little 80′s-style number available in several colors.

The Fit:
I’d say the dress runs pretty true to size and the garment measurements are listed right there on the page –I love it when a site has that– although if you’re quite tall keep in mind that knee-length is a movable feast. The hem hit me at the very top of the knee and even higher in back. The bust was roomy enough and although the cut isn’t the most flattering on the massively-mammed, your gals won’t be suffocated. The waist was a little bit short, but the empire look is still very popular so even if you’ve got long stretches of torso like your pal Plummy, it doesn’t look weird.

The Construction:
I don’t think it’s possible for me to overstate how glad I am that all of Lucie Lu’s dresses are made in the USA.

I am a big proponent of buying American or at least from countries where workers have human rights laws in their favor. I know we can’t avoid buying some products from places that use sweatshop labor, but as decent human beings, I think we really ought to at least make a valiant effort to avoid feeding into the sweatshop/child labor cycle.

That being said, the construction could’ve been better.

It wasn’t BAD, but I was expecting a little more attention to detail.

The clothes are very competitively priced so obviously you’re not going to find couture detailing, but on my sample, there were several thread and unfinished bits hanging off, plus the lace that joined the sheer neckline to the bodice was sewn incorrectly and didn’t lie flat. And that was on a product they knew was going to be reviewed for publication. Still, it’s no worse than what you’d find on your basic entry-level fashion, and at least we know the people sewing these dresses won’t get chained to their cots and beaten for messing up an embellishment.

Comfort:
Incredibly comfortable. Normally when we think of tulle we think of the scratchy starched tulle, but the Swiss overlay is the softest mesh tulle imaginable. Everything is stretchy, wrinkle-proof and easy to wear and although there were some dangling bits of thread and serge overlock, I can’t imagine a more comfortable party dress.

Style:
Like 90% of the Lucie Lu line, this skews very young and borderline twee. At 32, I felt like mutton dressed as lamb dressed as Cyndi Lauper.

The one way I managed to style it into something sophisticated was by pairing it with black textured tights, a pair of snub nosed Pedro Garcia Mary Janes with some pretty serious hardware, a boiled shirt open and knotted at the waist (sleeves cuffed up and sufficiently zhushed) and a seven-strand bib of large milk glass pearls plus sparkly 50′s earrings.

If you were in your early 20s or younger, you most certainly could wear this 80′s style, just plain or with a shrug –they’ve got several available and I like them a lot– and look adorable beyond endurance, but it was a lot of effort and some considerable Advanced Fashion to style this into something resembling chic. Women past the first blush of youth might be better served to look at some of her other more grown-up offerings and leave this one to the youngsters.

Room for Improvement:
Aside from the construction issues I mentioned above, this dress is great for what it is at the price point it’s offered, as is the rest of Lucie Lu’s line. As for the rest of the line I’d personally like to see less t-shirt knit, fewer ruffles and more sleeves, but that’s something I tackled in our interview, so you’ll just have to stay tuned.

Conclusion:
Lucie Lu is a great place for whimsical sweet young things who value comfortable, quirky, ethically-produced garments but don’t have a lot of bank to drop on clothes, especially if you don’t have or would rather not emphasize a waist.

Well that’s what happened with me when I saw this:

It was exactly, exactly the feel of what I wanted for my upcoming adventure as a mex-pat. Not the exact outfit per se, but the breezy early 1930′s sportswear feel so I searched and searched until I came upon these:

Silk and Linen Wide Leg Trousers

Fabrication:

70% silk, 30% linen, acetate lining. Obviously I would’ve preferred a silk lining, but we live in a broken and sinful world, so a girl can’t have everything. The silk/linen blend is lovely with an excellent drape and just a slight slub in the material. The lining isn’t bad either, a nice solid twill with good tailleur details you’d expect to find in a much more expensive piece.

Cut:

When they say wide leg, they MEAN wide leg.

In fact, I’d probably categorize them as true tailored palazzos. Stay with me, I know we’ve been burned by palazzos before.

Are there words that strike deeper fear in the hearts of the big-boned than “polyester georgette palazzo pants”?

I think not.

Still, these are very good, just perfect for the loose, 1930′s Biarritz meets Marisa Berenson style I want while I’m in Baja.

We’ve been due for a resurgence of pajama dressing for a while, what with the natural order of things (the 70′s coming back), the undying influence of Poiret and YSL and Karl Lagerfeld bringing back the old Sara and Gerald Murphy trope a few years ago for Spring 2008, which was brilliant but ahead of its time.

Plus it’s not like pants can get tighter, so there’s nothing new or interesting fashion-wise to “say” there. Even Hermes got in on the (slightly more tailored) act for its most recent ready to wear collection.

The cut is elegant and thoughtful. Whoever designed these trousers knows their stuff. The front pleats (stay with me now) are sewn down through the waist and stomach so you don’t get that gut-level poochiness one usually associates with front pleats.  Instead you get an elegant trimness through the waist and hips. There are side pockets and besoms in the back. Nothing too distracting, but it adds a great sportswear look.

Fit:

Long-legged girls, you’re in luck. On me these are entirely too long –I’m 6’3″ in 5″ heels and I’ll still need the taken up at least 2″ inches– so unless you’re half giraffe, you’ll probably need to get these hemmed.

The drape is excellent and although I would’ve liked a slightly higher, narrower waist, that could be user error since I’ve got a high, narrow (er, comparatively) waist to begin with and I really could have/should have gone down a size.

My experience with the plus size range in Spiegel is they run about a size small, so being a pear-shaped 18/20 I ordered a size 22W. I’d still err on the side of caution if your trunk comes with its own considerable collection of junk, but I don’t think you’d be led too far astray if you ordered true to size.

From the side they look like heaven. From the front it’s a little harder to get used to, but once you try them  on as part of an entire outfit instead of just “naked plus pants” it comes together beautifully.

How To Wear It:

One thing you want to remember with all dressing, but especially when you’re playing with dramatic proportions, is to stay balanced. If you’re wearing gorgeous billowy trousers, then your top needs to be slim and there needs to be some structure to it. Look at the American magazine and the Hermes still. 80 years apart, but still the same basic idea: wide, flowing pants require a slim, structured top and/or other elements to offset it.

I don’t have just a ton of experience wearing this silhouette, I don’t tend towards separates in the first place and palazzo pants can be a hard look to pull off in a way that looks chic before one is Of a Certain Age, especially if one is fatly, since fatties as a species have been done so grievously wrong by bad palazzo pants in the past.

Still, I’m determined to do loose, 1930′s Biarritz meets Marisa Berenson style while I’m in Mexico, just for my own enjoyment, so on with the show.

Current plans for deployment are with mile-high espadrilles –I’m going to be a foot and a half taller than everyone in the country anyway, might as well make it an even two– an absolute armful of thick lacquer bangles in solid brights (optional) and a scarf tied on the diagonal as a top which is surprisingly effective and flattering, covering all less-than-gracile parts of self, while putting my best features –my shoulders and neckline– on display, sans cleavage, with a cardi for modesty when I’m not on the beach or lounging at home.If you even have to ask if I’m going to be wearing a big hat I’m not angry, just disappointed. I thought we knew each other.

Parting Shots:

These are Very Good Pants Indeed, especially on sale for $29.99. It’s a lot of capital F Fashion payoff for a dead comfortable and effortless look that still has the whiff of “she took hours to look that effortless” about it, and who doesn’t love that?

You’ll probably want to give these a steam or let them hang for a while when you first get them, but after that, don’t worry too much about creases. Even though it reads more silk than linen, you still don’t want these to be pristine as crisp shirting. The key is easy, soft, a little rumpled and utterly, utterly fabulous. Kind of like me, actually.

She is a woman of a certain age and a life-long Episcopalian. She is also, as her name would suggest, the former Dairy Duchess of a small Texas town. The story of her coronation is not mine to tell, but it’s hilarious and involves giving the future Tyler Rose Queen ringworm.

To appreciate this story you need to know two things:

• The Episcopal Church, is color-coded according to the liturgical season. Lent is purple, Easter is white and so on and so forth. A few years ago our parish decided to change the liturgical hangings for the pre-Christmas season from the traditional violet to the more historically accurate sarum blue. There was a bit of an uproar.

• The Dairy Duchess has, in addition to a remarkable vocal pitch and timbre, perhaps THE most magnificent example of an East Texas accent to have ever punctured my eardrums. It is an accent for the ages.

Scene: A rehearsal of the Bless Their Hearts Choir, sometime before Christmas. Apropos of exactly nothing, the Dairy Duchess announces in her inimitable exasperated warble:

“Y’aaaaall. I’m upset. I’ve stuck with you through the women. I’ve stuck with you through the gays. But now y’all have done gone and changed the color of Advent!!!”

That’s pretty much exactly how I feel about the revamping (as it were) of Lane Bryant’s Plunge bras.

The traditional Lane Bryant Plunge Bra –affectionately known as the “What Seems To Be The Problem, Officer?” bra– has been my go-to boulder holder for years, regardless of size.

I am a big girl but I don’t have a huge rack, they’re high and wide-set, so most other bras I’ve found made for big girls make me feel like I’m being strangled. The Plunge was just right.

(old plunge vs new plunge…will the magic still be there?)

Each time I put one on, it’s like a warm handshake from an old friend. An old friend who gets me out of speeding tickets, makes new lines to open up for me at the grocery store and scores me drinks a-plenty wherever I so please.

Yet, when I went to pick up a new batch last night, my trusty pal was nowhere to be found.

I was informed Lane Bryant had discontinued them, and were replacing my beloved sexy black lace plunge bras with the removable air pads with foam-molded cotton bras “More like the t-shirt bras” according to the sales gal.

Great.

I hate foam molded bras, because they assume all breasts are created equal when that is CLEARLY not the case. I don’t need/want padding where someone else might, and those little air pads let me maneuver the gals around in a pleasing arrangement instead of following some Stalinist rack regime.

A quick jump to the Lane Bryant site shows the traditional plunge bra as still available, and there is also something called the Luxury Lace Plunge which I haven’t seen in stores yet that look very much like my beloved WSTBTPO one, but until I try it on I cannot be sure.

A friend of mine who works at Lane Bryant has informed me they’ve also redone the balconette and several other bras, making them much harder to fit in her opinion so if you’ve got a favorite, you might want to stock up before they disappear.

While at the store, I tried on their new Cotton Boost Plunge.

The good:

• It fits really well. It’s comfortable, but sets firm boundaries. I don’t feel like it’s trying to choke me, the straps are relatively thin (I like that; you might not) and wide-set on the shoulders but don’t fall down. It’s seamless under a thin nylon jersey, the band stays put with three hooks instead of four and comes down on the sides enough to not cause indelicate rolls of splodgy fat.

The bad:

• It’s slightly foam padded, which I hate. It also doesn’t actually boost anything, which would be fine except the word boost is kind of in the name, so a girl is expecting at least a little oomph. I also found the sizing to be weird. I wear a 38DD (the extra D is for Damn!) in every single Lane Bryant Bra except this one, where I take a 38DDD. I tried on the DD, and it gave me quadraboob. Not a good look.

Conclusion:

• I’d call this the t-shirt bra for the woman who hates t-shirt bras. It’s not going to revolutionize your rack, but it’s a good compromise for a girl who wants the look of a t-shirt bra but hates the Ginormous Foam Cups of Death. I picked up two and I have a feeling they’ll both be seeing a lot of service under my various soccer jerseys this summer where shape and smoothness count more than cleavage. But I’ll still drive the speed limit.

Yesterday I did a review on the Revlon Just Bitten lipstain and devoted reader Lazydaisydays asked:

Any chance of a review of the various shades, and what types of coloring/complexions might be best served by each? Or any recommendations from others who have tried this brand? I’m AWFUL at picking colors for lip products, especially things like this which look a lot different on the lips vs. in the tube…and I suspect I’m not the only one who has this kind of trouble! Help?

Dearest Lazydaisydays,

Is there anything worse than lipstick remorse? Sure some would say genocide or stretch velvet, but I say NO. It’s hard enough finding a color you like and then you buy it and it’s totally different than how it looked in the store. Even when you try before you buy, it can be hard because cosmetic counter lighting is not the sort of light you’d find in your every day life. Unless of course you worked at a cosmetic counter or lived on the face of the sun. I hope the following review will be helpful!

Gin and Tonics,

Miss Plumcake

Passion – This is a Full On Pink and it looks just exactly like the visuals with Jessica Biel:

It does look like they layered the color pretty significantly, but I wouldn’t suggest buying this color unless you are willing to commit to a big unapologetic hot pink. It’s probably not going to be a neutral on anyone, but I think it would look most natural on someone who is a “spring”…I bet it would also look amazing on women with deep brown skin.

Lust – I thought Lust would be a deep easy-to-wear neutral, sort of a quasi-goth version of a nude lip, but on its own it’s surprisingly hard to carry off. The pen looks like a sort of mauved-out heathered cocoa, but it went a bit blue on my lips. I probably wouldn’t wear this alone, but I imagine it will see considerable service as an underlayer supporting a nude lipstick or gloss I want to make a little darker for evening. This would look great on women with deeper skin tones, but I think pale gals of any coloring might find this difficult to deploy worn as is.

Crave – More Big Pink, though much easier to wear than Passion. One of my favorite looks for day is a high-colored English rose thing, sort of Jane Austen meets the Fauvists and one layer of Crave on the lips works fantastically. I sketch it on and blend it a bit with my finger instead of lining the lip precisely, because you don’t want perfection. It also works well with an orange sherbet gloss on top if you want something a little more aggressive and chic.

Gothic - Like I said yesterday, this is a blue-red almost exactly reminiscent of the original Revlon red, the iconic Cherries in the Snow. It’s a toss up as to whether this or Flame is my new favorite red. The marker-style pen means getting that super-sharp, precise line that’s so necessary when you’re wearing a RED red lipstick is dead easy. This is definitely the better red for winter skin tones (who, let’s face it, wear the screaming reds best anyway.)

Flame - Pretty much the old formulation of Revlon’s OTHER legendary red, “Fire and Ice.” This is an orange-red and the only Just Bitten product that didn’t go on slightly bluer than the tube.

They’ve actually relaunched Fire and Ice but the formulation is way different than the original. Also, how AWFUL does Jessica Biel look in the visuals, especially as compared to the painfully fabulous Dorian Leigh? Seriously, WHAT were they thinking? (image and more reviews after the jump)

Twilight - Eh, a sort of neutral dusty rose. Not exciting enough for me to wear alone very often, but I’ll sure I’ll use it under glosses when I want to do a long-lasting lip. Also might be good as a lipliner for nude lips or a true neutral for someone with dark skin. Pretty much anyone can wear it and it won’t look bad, but I’d say the autumns would wear it best.

Stay tuned next week when I’ll review the other colors in the line, and try to respond to the much-requested “One Bag of Fabulous” guide to packing for a trip.

I will graciously wait while you try to reclaim some sense in your now topsy-turvy universe.

Good.

That being said, there’s a difference between being particular and being unreasonable. If I’m going to my favorite Highly Questionable Taco Cart (Taqueria Las Rosas #2 holla at your girl! Orale!) I don’t expect haute cuisine, I don’t ask too many questions. I just take my taco, try not to knock over any of their fiber optic/ patriotic Jesus statuary and call it a noche.

The same goes for shoes and clothing. If I’m buying a $50 dress, I expect a few threads hanging here or there or less-than-luxe fabrication. If I’m dropping $500? My standards are a lot higher.

My standards were high when I ordered two pairs of boots from London-based Duo.

After hemming and hawing, I decided on the black suede over-the-knee Tulip and the cognac leather knee-high Rochelle.

Duo boots aren’t astronomically expensive –most of the boots run around $225-$325, perfectly reasonable for a pair of quality European-made leather boots– but their flagship fitting room is on Savile Row, a street in London that’s been shorthand for flawless bespoke tailoring for over 200 years.

You do not mess around on Savile Row.

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, my initial experience with Duo was not a pleasant one.

Even allowing for the cultural difference (I’m not saying Texans are necessarily nicer people, I’m just saying you think twice about being rude to someone if you’re in a concealed handgun state) I was Not Impressed with the attitude I received from the customer service when after close to a month, I asked after the whereabouts of my boots. That being said my other interactions have been –I won’t say overly warm, but the British didn’t build an empire on warmth– but absolutely satisfactory.

The Fit:

Getting into them is a wee bit difficult as the zipper only goes up to the knee, but a full zip would ruin the look. The toe box is nice and roomy for a wide foot with an elegant almond toe and surprisingly cushy padding, and although the ankle was a bit loose for my personal preference –I have slender ankles for someone with big calves– they were cut generously enough to fit a thick-ankled woman without looking slouchy on someone with slimmer ones. I ordered my regular size and went down a centimeter on the calf fit because leather –especially suede– stretches and I don’t like the slouch-boot look.

The Construction:

The suede is excellent and uniformly soft with only minor flaws in the nap.

These flaws are just going to happen with any natural material and I was pleasantly surprised by its quality and softness. I don’t know what animal they use but it feels like lamb or kid, both of which make suedes with a much finer texture than calf. If it IS calf then I am even more impressed.

The lining was another happy surprise: an incredibly supple fuchsia nappa leather extending to the top of the zipper. The over-the-knee part is finished with the same black suede as the outside, which means you can wear them cuffed to knee-height if your little heart desires.

The stitching is small and even, with the thread changes noticeable but not prominent (anyone who asks why I care about thread changes has clearly never been poked in the leg all day by a bristle-stiff loose end from an improperly secured thread change) and the turns are sharp, no lazy finishing here.

I noticed a few less-than-straight cuts on the leather lining, but I’d classify that more in the realm of adding charm than detracting from the quality.

Comfort:

These are easily the most comfortable fashion boots I’ve ever worn.

I took them out of the box and wore them for eight hours straight. There was a bit of rubbing on my big toes, but that’s my own dumb fault for not wearing socks (laundry has not been a priority as of lately here at Château Gâteau). I’ve worn them several times since and even when wearing them for evening after being in 4″ stilettos all day, they didn’t bother me at all.

The 9 cm heel is nicely balanced and the small platform gives a bit of height and comfort without being all “OH HAI I’M A PLATFORM BOOT!” The padding and arch support are both more than adequate, plus since you’re zipped in from here to eternity, you’re MORE than secure once you’re in them.

Room for Improvement:

I would without hesitation recommend these boots to anyone just as they are. However, there are a few changes that in a perfect world would’ve taken them from great to spectacular.

They have a rubber sole. On a luxury boot, the sole really ought to be leather. The sole itself is actually cute, but it’s rubber and slightly cheapens the look. I could see how you might say “but wait, what about bad weather?” to which I would ask you if you would wear toe-to-thigh suede in the rain.

The heel taps aren’t great. They’re not bad, but I’m not hard on my shoes and these showed signs of wear the very first day, so if you want these to be in heavy rotation you’ll be replacing your taps sooner, potentially much sooner, rather than later. In fairness, Duo does mention you’d have to replace the taps and Lord knows I’ve gotten crummy taps on shoes three times as expensive as these, so while I was mildly disappointed, it’s not the end of the world.

There’s no excuse for an exposed zipper. The Tulip is part of Duo’s Boutique Collection “offering the finest quality leathers, designer detailing and superior craftsmanship.” A boot like that should have a covered zipper unless the exposed zipper is part of a distinct design element. It’s just a more elegant look and it indicates the sort of craftsmanship and attention to detail you expect for a luxury boot. Yes, making a covered zipper is more expensive and time consuming, but I’d be willing to pay a premium for it and I doubt I am alone.

The website is not especially user-friendly. You cannot search the site for keywords, so if you wanted to search for “Tulip” you’d have to browse through the pages of boots, and when you click on All Boots they really mean All Boots that are not on sale or stuck somewhere else on the site. Determining whether your size is available is a pain too, you have to click on your size and then click on the number and it will think for a while and eventually tell you whether it’s available or not. Although you can search by size, I’m not entirely convinced I get ALL the correct results. There’s got to be a better, faster way.

Conclusion:

These are great, investment-quality boots, well worth the retail price and even more of a deal on sale and although they’re not The One True Boot, they receive the highly-coveted Plumcake Pick. Not only are they beautifully constructed, but they’re dead sexy too. The second time I wore my Tulips I paired them with light charcoal tights and a body-conscious color blocked sweater dress in black, charcoal and winter white. As I was walking towards my destination, a man was coming the opposite direction. He was clearly looking at my boots (yes, boots, with a “t”) and as I passed, he stumbled. THOSE are powerful boots.

Please be advised if you order from the UK to the US, your order will most likely take the long-side of a month to arrive and shipping is $20 per pair of boots, which will be mailed separately. While the shoes are made in Europe out of Italian leather, I cannot tell you whether they are constructed in countries with EU labor laws.

They’d been fresh on my mind since watching Die, Mommy, Die in which Jason Priestly –the omnisexual tennis pro– wore them and reminded me how cool they look when worn with old-school style instead of this new unwashed hipster nonsense.

(trust me, they’re fab)

Anyhoodle.

Since I was at Saks already, I popped by to chat with my Chanel gal who is still a pal even though I don’t shop at KarlMart anymore.

Apparently they’ve discontinued my favorite product, the Precision Eclat Originel radiance serum –I bought five bottles a few years ago and am at the bottom of the last one now so with radiance on the brain (and still boycotting Karl) I popped next door to Sephora.

I almost never go to Sephora because I am a delicate snowflake whose shell-like ears cannot handle the aural assault of the blaring dance music they seem to favor, but I was out of my OTHER Magickal Elixir of Plumcakely Beauty –the Caudelie Vinoperfect Radiance Serum– and since I’ve given up sleep and happiness for the foreseeable future, my normally flawless alabaster visage needs a little sumpin’ sumpin’. Like a paper bag.

I bought two new items: The Make Up Forever HD Microperfecting Primer in Mauve and the HD Microfinish Powder, also from MUFE.

I got a little freebie of the neutral HD primer last year and really liked it, but I have the memory retention of a developmentally delayed guppy, so of course I forgot about it until I saw it in the shop.

I am extremely fair-skinned but I have instead of a pink or pure blue undertone, I have olive, which means I can go sallow, and this mauve stuff? Is genius.

Violet “color correctors” are nothing new, but this is by far the best I’ve tried. It’s got all the things I love about the regular HD primer –goes on like a dream, doesn’t cake, makes makeup stay put and last– plus brightens and evens out my skin. It really is almost luminous (and NOT from mica or glitter particles THANK YOU.)

It’s moderately pricey, but you only need a teensy bit and it doesn’t ball up or curl on the skin like some other primers do.  Plums up. Big fan.

The powder:

Wow.

This is a good powder.

But…I almost don’t want to call it a powder because it’s such a completely difference species from the old Coty loose powder or anything in a solid, and it’s lighter and cake-proof unlike the pure mineral veils.

It’s like the Photoshop “blur” tool in particle form.

I put it on over my regular skin care products and although I wouldn’t say it provided any coverage per se –which is good, because I didn’t want coverage– it made my skin look almost angelically soft, naturally.

Warning: It is ALL about the brush with this product.

You absolutely need a kabuki brush and you need to buff it in well. Not that it will look bad if you don’t buff properly, but you won’t get that perfect radiance either. If you don’t have or don’t want to invest in a kabuki brush –my favorite is this dead cheap real badger brush which is like, six bucks — then just skip it.

So two big Ws for the Make Up Forever products!

I also purchased their Mist and Fix spray which supposedly sets your makeup and is beloved by MUAs the world over. I haven’t put it through its paces yet, but it’s in the works, including before and after photos!

Listen, I know it’s been a long time since you’ve heard from me. Ever since you discontinued yourself and ruined our relationship I haven’t really had the emotional strength to try to be friends again. We were so good together, but you decided good wasn’t good enough and left me. Well, Energy, fine. I don’t need you. Sure we had some laughs, but I’m with someone else now. Someone who understands me. Someone who doesn’t set me back thirty bucks and STILL melts off whenever I even look at a wine glass. Don’t think I forgot about that, OR the time you melted in my car and messed up the dove gray kid leather and cost me $200 to have cleaned, and you know what tools the guys at the Volvo place are.  Anyway, Energy, I’m happy now and I hope you are too (p.s., I secretly don’t).

Do Not Love,

Miss Plumcake

So. The perfect neutral lip. It’s like a unicorn, right? Except if you give me a goat and a hacksaw I can make a unicorn.

As I’ve said, I don’t wear a ton of makeup because I am a natural beauty (and by “natural beauty” I think we all know I mean “have three aestheticians on speed dial”) but since I’m quite fair and my lips take up a lot of room on my face, I find I really need a little pop of something on them.  However, it can’t be anything too dark unless I’m doing a statement lip, because well…I’ve got a lot of mouth.

Enter the Sally Hansen Lip Inflation Extreme in Sheer Cherry.

Now first, it will not inflate your lips, extremely or otherwise. It might puff up extremely thin lips, or if you’ve got fine lines around your lip line, but I didn’t notice anything but a mild tingle on mine.

It looks very pink in the tube, almost coral, but goes on beautifully sheer and smells faintly like spicy bubble gum.  There’s still good color payoff, but it’s very much a gloss and not a lipstick in gloss form.

Recently I’ve been wearing it plain for day and over L’Oreal’s HiP Color Rich Crayon in either Attentive or Meticulous for evening or dressier occassions:

Okay y’all, these things might be even a better find than the lip color.  Because these crayons? Do Not Budge. I believe they’re technically eyeliners, so caveat emptor and whatnot on using them on your lips. Last night I wore Attentive with the Sheer Cherry and although the gloss was smooched off, the crayon stayed put through some light but fairly dedicated necking.

Again, it goes on fairly sheer, so don’t expect a Goldfinger look.

The only thing I don’t like about these crayons is they don’t blend easily, which I guess is the trade off you make when you get something that doesn’t budge.  When I tried to do a light variation of a shimmering smokey eye, blending Authentic –a sort of sfumato pine green– into Meticulous, it was pretty difficult.

I had decent luck with some aggressive blending using a MAC 217 –which is THE blending brush, none other can compare– but if you’re not a dab hand in the cosmetic arts, I’d stick to these as either all over color or just eyeliner.

That being said, if I had to pack a “face in a bag” for a long weekend somewhere, I could happily make do with Attentive on the eyes and lips, plus Sheer Cherry on the lips and cheeks and look perfectly polished all weekend.

Do you have a Holy Grail beauty product I should know about?

If so, tell me here!