I had an Uncle Guido growing up.

Now he wasn’t actually my uncle, nor was he actually Italian, so I have a hard time associating “guido” with anything but a towering wall of Irish muscle who lived across the street and kayaked with my actual –though still not Italian– uncle and married a woman who was given MY ruby earrings right out of my ears, not that I’m still bitter about that twenty four years later, DAD.

(You may say a six year-old has no business wearing ruby earrings, in which case I weep for the depth of your wrongness. I loved those things and have NEVER had a pair since.)

ANYWAY

Apparently the old less-than-flattering term has surfaced again from the cast of that show with the little orange girl and the big orange guys. I’m not familiar with the show or its cast, but I do get PR invites to go to parties with them. Yeah.  Which incidentally cracked my brother up since I put on my facebook page “What’s a Jwoww and why would I want to go to a party with it?”

I still don’t know the answer to either of those questions.

I DO know, however, that I want to lick these shiny shiny shoes, the “Guido”  patent leather drivers from Salvatore Ferragamo:

Right?

Also I DEFY you not to be cheery when wearing a shiny pair of red patent leather drivers. It cannot be done.

They’re on sale at Saks so the sizing is limited and getting increasingly so, but they were available in bigfoot sizes last I checked.

So we all know of my almost innumerate imaginary secret boyfriends, Lanvin designer Alber Elbaz is possibly the one for whom I have the most cheek-pinching affection.

I mean come ON how do you not want to squeeze him? And maybe see if honey comes out of his head? He’s pretty much the only designer working today to whom I would like to talk really embarrassing baby talk. Hooza fashion visionary with a remarkably witty appreciation of the female form who singlehandedly revived a grand but flagging house of couture? Ris rit ru? Ris rit ru? Res rit ris!!! and so on.

Anyway, I know Alber isn’t over accessories, but I just want to kiss him for even being involved in the production of brightly colored, beautifully made python ballet flats, because it hits pretty much every note I want for every day mucking about.  Every single pair of python flats I’ve owned I’ve worn into the ground and wished I’d bought three.

I would get every penny’s worth of wear out of all of these. Check them out, along with other Lanvin –including some of the best and brightest flats I’ve seen anywhere, many on sale– at Barney’s.

Hello my little crescent rolls, how’s every little thing? It’s time once again for your weekly humpletter, highlighting some Plumcake-approved pieces from this week’s sales.

Before I do, let’s have a little chat about the fish shirt, shall we?

Yeah, I wasn’t a fan either, but the thing is, we have like a bazillion (editor’s note: possibly not an actual bazillion) readers and we’re not going to be able to please all of you. Is the fish shirt horrendous? I think so. But clearly Twistie didn’t and there are probably plenty of folks who have yearned their entire lives for a fish shirt just like that one. So you ignore it, resist the temptation to leave ugly comments about the mental state of someone who is providing you a free service, and move merrily along with your glammy little life. Okay? Great. I’m glad we had this little chat.

ANYHOODLE

At the Avenue we’ve got a whole lotta BOGO going on, with the entire store at buy one, get 50% off (excludes clearance).  Use code AV101087.

I’m digging the retro stylings of the ruched side bathing suit (which I’d like better in red, but whaddya gonna do?) and this sexy but sturdy Swiss dot balconette bra, because every girl has got to embrace her inner Betty Grable sometime.

Jessica London has get your highest price item 30% off using JLE4579

I am enamored of this yellow sheath with a horsebit buckle shoulder detail (which is a nice variation on the overplayed one-shoulder shtick that’s fashiony in the good way without being fashiony in the bad way) and this classic rayon/linen blend dress in luscious colors that is just effortless and breezy and pretty much everything I want in summer dressing.

Over at Lord and Taylor’s (new affiliate, yay!) we’ve got 20% everything, using code SALE.

I’m having a major cream moment, so of course I love the Yves Saint Laurent feel of these wide leg silk pants from Ralph Lauren, which would be perfect paired with a modal tee and maybe a sequined vest or an arm full of bangles for a modern take on evening separates.

(P.S., I hate the way they have these styled. P.P.S., if a single one of you complains about not being able to wear cream silk because you’ll make a mess, so help me I will turn this blog around. If I can eat a plate of pasta with red sauce in a floor length white linen dress, you can go four hours in a pair of cream pants.)

Kiyonna has 20% off any order over $100 and free shipping using code GOODBUY which means these Wear It Until Your Skin Falls Off date dresses would end up running about $150 for both.

Pictured here are the Vivienne and Tory cinch dresses, modeled by Ashley “Too Racktastic For Prime Time” Graham, my favorite plus sized model.

As I mentioned a few weeks ago, I have violet hair.

I went to my stylist asking for my Superman blue streaks to be touched up and she’d already bleached out my new growth before she realized she was out my my special blue dye, so violet is the next best thing. It looks fine.

It’s not what I wanted but getting all het up over hair woes isn’t really my deal.

I mean sure there was the unfortunate Dano Débâcle of 2009 where this supposed hair genius who is Very Important and Famous and Exclusive pretty much turned me into Ms Linda Dano circa 1989, but other than that, it’s hair.  The execution was flawless so even though it wasn’t what I wanted, it’s been a nice change.

(oh man, you MUST watch this! It’s a clip from “Attitudes” her daytime talk show, it’s like Brittany from Glee had a talk show and Nagel make-up)

Anyway, the violet crown incident has made me think of ruts and how it’s important to tweak our looks from time to time. I’m not talking about total Madonna reinvention but a little nip here and there is good for the soul, lest one become a cartoon of oneself *COUGHLIZAMINNELLICOUGH*

I tend to err on the side of feminine classic in the Dior style.  For example, today I’m wearing this dress by Evan Picone, and it’s fabulous.

For some reason they stopped selling this above a 16 online at Macy’s, but I’m fairly sure they still exist in true plus sizes in stores, although I bought mine a few years ago. Still if you like this dress and CAN get it, do. This is a Holy Grail Dress for pears.

But woman cannot live by one silhouette alone, tempting though it might be. That’s one of the differences between personal style and big ole rutting rut.

(coupon after the jump)
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Welcome to the Humpletter!

The Humpletter is our weekly-as-of-last-week Wednesday sales post. Twistie, having cracked the bottle of champagne over the bow, has returned to her weekend post and will do her own salesthingum on Saturday or Sunday so I’m skippering this salesboat during the week.

So that’s (let me put on my “puke” which is radio-parlance for that really disgusting overly cheerful radio voice normally announcing monster truck rallies) two Two TWO sales roundups a week!

First we’ve got Lane Bryant, who’ve got a ton of things on sale,  up to 40% off.  I particularly like these twill shorts because they have a bit of a flare to them.

If there’s one thing I hate, it’s shorts with kung-fu fabric deathgrip on my thighs. Plus they remind me a teensy bit of the 1930′s and 40′s sporting shorts –as seen here on Martha Vickers as Carmen in The Big Sleep– without being frilly or costumey.

Cacique has all Cacique bras buy one get one half off. Of course I must recommend my All Time Favorite Bra (also known as my “What seems to be the problem, officer?” bra)

They also have all fashion panties 5 for $29. I love these lace jobbers because they’re dead comfy and sexy enough for visitors. Whenever I entertain a new gentleman caller I get all new lingerie because, well, I don’t reuse wrapping paper for gifts of any variety.

Continue reading Your Weekly Humpletter after the jump!
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I have 1690 unread messages in my inbox, and most of them are either from the Dutch Lotto Commission (don’t ask me why), deposed Nigerian princes (I’m like catnip to them) or PR agents wanting me to promote something or other to you lot.

I tend to be equally suspicious of all three, but particularly of the PR folks. See friends, there is a lot of garbage out there and it’s one of my solemn duties to try to keep you from as much of it as I can.  That being said, occasionally, VERY occasionally a good one slips through, and today I’ve got a good one.

Marina Rinaldi was the first proper fashion group that really took an interest in creating ready-to-wear (as opposed to couture and high-street brands) for plus size women. Thirty years later, they’re still producing some of the best quality stuff available in the plus sizes, plus their clothes are made in Italy so you don’t need to worry about the guilt of wearing something pieced together by some 9 year-old Malaysian girl in a third-world sweatshop.

Ideeli is having a 40 hour invitation-only sale starting at 11:00 a.m. Eastern for 1st row members and noon for 2nd row (i.e., free) members, with prices up to 69% off regular Rinaldi retail.

I’ve only got two visuals from the sale, but it looks like there will be sportswear and some dressier offerings.

(click to shop the sale)

Now here’s where it gets tricky. Ideeli and other invitation-only luxury resellers have been historically gun shy about offering plus-size sales, so they’re trying to drum up a lot of business for this sale to prove to themselves that yes, plus-size luxury IS a marketable niche, worthy of its place next to straight-sized fashions. So everyone complaining there aren’t fashionable, ethically-manufactured high quality clothes available for big gals, here’s a chance to put your money where your mouse is and send a message that plus-size consumers care about quality, cut and construction just as much as our skinny sisters.

Use the code “marina” to get access to the sale without registering and if you do register (I commend it, there are great steals to be had) use the referral email plumcake@shoeblogs.com so they know you’re coming from this blog. I don’t know if those $25 incentive things work with corporate accounts, but if they do and something comes my way, I’ll  do a $25 giveaway to a beloved big girl reader.

If you have never known the joys of open water sailing, I cannot begin to describe it. I don’t mean putting around on a speedboat. Motorboats are all well and good, but when it’s just you and the wind and a whistlefast ship and you’re keeling so hard  you’ve got water slapping the hatch…it’s the closest I ever expect to come to flying in this life.

One of the things that feels so fresh about the nautical-inspired look right now is it’s smart but not tight.

Listen, no one loves a curve-accentuating garment more than your pal Plummy, but I’m just tired of being the same nipped-waist silhouette.

The seafarer look is a chic way to get clothes that fit away from the  body without being schlubby AND once we get over the horizontal stripes bugaboo,  it becomes startlingly easy to put together visually balanced outfits for apples, pears and all you other fruits.

The key is to anchor (see what I did there?) your look with the right pant. A good wide leg trouser is essential. Or crops with a statement shoe.  Tight pants would be death to this look, particularly on a big girl. Linen is an especially nice choice and looks even better when rumpled.

Striped blazer

Navy linen trouser

Navy piped cardigan

Button shoulder tunic

Boxy cardi

Poplin crops

Bateau Breton tunic

White and navy striped tee

Boxy jumper (that’s sweater, y’all)

Wide leg trouser