A few of you may recall the recent firestorm over Ralph Lauren’s ultra-intense Photoshop mad skillz. Our own Plumcake covered the question with eloquence and style.

Well, now some good folks have organized their fury into a boycott. If you wish to join the boycott (and let Mr. Lauren know about it), here is where to go to sign on the dotted line.

Remember, Ralphie is the one who photoshopped a model until her head appeared literally bigger than her hips, tried to sue the first people to call him on it, and then fired the model for being too fat.

It’s bad enough that beauty is considered to be a dress size rather than lovely features or a spark of internal fire. Do we really need beauty to be too thin for anybody at all to achieve? My resounding response is Hell No!

I signed. Will you?

Okay, first of all I’m going to say this once and for all: when pronouncing Ralph Lauren’s last name, it’s Lauren like Bacall, not Loren like Sophia. Really? Really.

Also?

Yours is a very bad Photoshop, Mr Lauren.

BoingBoing called them on it, and instead of admitting fault Ralph Lauren’s tried to shut them down citing copyright infringement which is crackery of the highest order because it couldn’t be any more “fair use” if it tried. Nice one, Ralphie!

Watch mysecretgirlfriend Rachel Maddow skewer the American designer:

Are you freaking kidding me?

MSNBC just released a list of top ten cities for cellulite.

Oh yes they did.

We’re in a prolonged war, our economy has not just screwed the pooch but has in fact made sweet canine love to the entire extended cast of Lady and the Tramp, there’s an influenza epidemic on the rise (although I’ve had The Ham,  it wasn’t worse than any other flu), Muammar al-Gaddafi is STILL rocking that bad perm, a whole hell of a lot of people are losing their jobs and not finding new ones and this, THIS is what the “leader in breaking news, video and original journalism” chooses to publish?

Oh.
Hells.
No.

Don’t even get me started on the idea that it’s from some place that calls itself Total Beauty,  I’m too close to my vacation to pop a blood vessel in my eye.

Women have cellulite. We just do.

I’ve had it forever; I don’t need to be told gravely “There is no cure for cellulite”.

We don’t NEED a cure for cellulite; we need a cure for cancer.

We need a cure for Alzheimer’s and AIDS and for people who have stupid ringtones and never put their phones on silent thus forcing me to listen to the first 10 seconds of the Sex in the City mambo over and over and OVER again even though the last time the phone-holder in question had sex Sarah Jessica Parker still had her original nose and people actually thought Matthew Broderick was straight (hahahaha, I kid. No one’s ever thought Matthew Broderick was straight).

The thing that bothers me about this, is not that it’s just a stupid waste of news but it’s overtly sexist. I mean take the blurb about Birmingham, Alabama which according to MSNBC has the most cellulite in the country:

“The biggest city in Alabama is home to more women than men (the second highest female to male ratio in the U.S.), which means one thing: more cellulite”

YES, that’s the ONE THING it means.

It couldn’t possibly be indicative of legitimate social problems, like in a city that’s nearly 75% African-American with one of the highest poverty rates in the nation (some 2007 numbers show well over 20% and that was before our economy went tits up) black men –whose average life expectancy according to census reports is more than 10 years shorter than the average white woman– are dying young or leaving for employment and greener pastures.

It couldn’t possibly mean that people in the 46th poorest state in the nation don’t have access to proper nutrition and have to survive on low-value foods, or that schools don’t have the money for gymnasiums and after-school sports.

No, it’s got to mean  ZOMG!!1! the city is overrun by lumpy thighs and THAT is what’s truly newsworthy, because why address actual social issues when we can make women feel bad about themselves? Bite me, MSNBC, go ahead, pull up a chair and take a big ole chomp. I won’t say where, because I’m a lady, but you can be damn sure it’s dimpled.

***
If you want to promote social justice and wellness in Birmingham, take a look at these charities. They all have received top ratings from charitynavigator.org, so you can be confident you’ll get the most bang for your philanthropic buck.

United Way of Central Alabama
Cornerstone Schools of Central Alabama (my favorite)
Boys and Girls Club of Central Alabama
Habitat for Humanity for Greater Birmingham

So we’ve upgraded to the new edition of WordPress here at Big Girl Headquarters and y’all, it’s going to kill me. My attitude towards technology generally falls somewhere between “huh?” and “O IT IS A WITCH, BURN IT!”

I was the last person on earth to start texting and although I’ve grown to love it –I’m not a phone person– it filled me with fiery ire when people first started sending me message BECAUSE I HAVE A PHONE RIGHT HERE SO JUST &*^% CALL ME OKAY so please be patient while I figure out how this newfangled wizardry works.

Also: I’m going to be on vacation from October 8th to the 22nd. During that time I will not be available. Instead I will be here:

a little beach house on an isolated dune in an undisclosed location on the Atlantic coast where my activities will include lolling around in my underpants, listening to my shiny new J.S. Bach: Complete Works for Organ boxed set and trying to get away from all the damnable people who so liberally coat the pork chops of my life with the crushed cornflakes of their lunacy.

I also fully plan on deleting what I’m sure will be no fewer than the 2000 emails most of them from deposed Nigerian princes, so if you’ve got a question, comment or whatevs,  email me now or hold your peace until Halloween because there’s no WAY I’m wading through that garbage just so I can get the one email asking me for a pair of wide-calf boots made from the eyelashes of baby ocelots for under twenty dollars.

I’ll do my best to post our regular features in advance so you really shouldn’t notice a disturbance in the force as far as content goes, but you might notice a slight wonkyness with the comments. Don’t worry, all shall be resolved when I return.

Gin and Tonics,

Plumcake

You might notice that nowhere have I mentioned purchases involving clothing. Yes, two raincoats. Also foundation undergarments which are pretty but do not deserve their own post.

Did I buy any dresses? No. Skirts? No. Tops? No.

Do you wish to know why?

Because nowhere in all of Manhattan — neither in the summer sales nor in the fall collections — did Francesca find plus-size clothing that works for her 5’1″, apple-shaped frame and desire for sleeves.

If you are tall, you are in luck. If you regularly wear sleeveless clothing, fine. If you are pear-shaped, all the better.

But if you are none of those things, as Francesca is not, then just stay home for the next few weeks, under the covers. Do not bother shopping for new clothes. Crossword puzzles are more tempting right now.

Perhaps the winter collections will have more to offer us.

Francesca is put out, and hath spoken.