siiiiiiigh

These? These are the Ones That Got Away.

I mean, this is pretty much everything I love in a shoe for me me me. Solid heel, crocodile –technically it’s calf, but it’s a really good treatment– a platform, a heel cup, ankle strap, pretty pretty jewelry and emeralds! (almost!)

I would buy them just for the ornament.

I know I make fun of Giuseppe Zanotti for making some really bad shoes, but these are right up my alley, in my wheelhouse and singing me lullabies.

they’re not inexpensive, but I’d sell a kidney (well, not my OWN kidney, but how much can a roofie and sixteen bags of ice cost, anyway?) to even have the chance to buy them at retail, much less at 43%  off.

We all know how I love snakeskin shoes because they wear forever and stand up to a lot of abuse and also snakes are all bastards who must die, not that I am at all scarred from that time my dad took me over to his bff’s house as a kid, and that bff also happened to be the head herpetologist guy or something for the National Zoo and had snakes all over the place INCLUDING A FREAKIN’ COBRA because sane people totally keep FREAKIN’ COBRAS in their HOUSE and think nothing of lifting up a little girl to eye level and taptaptapping the glass trying to get the aforementioned FREAKIN’ COBRA to display its hood BUT THEN INSTEAD IT STRIKES THE GLASS 2 INCHES FROM MY FACE, DAD.

<deep breath>

And that, dear readers, is why my father needs to count his lucky stars that his Korean child bride and NOT his permanently traumatized daughter, will be choosing his eventual nursing home.

Where was I?

Right, shoes.

A few months ago I bought these Brian Atwoods, even though they’re totally not “me” I tried them on and they look a.maz.ing. on the leg. Seriously.

and now, NOW they have these:

and these are BETTER, and they’re snake! AND they’re like…a THIRD of what my Atwoods retailed for at almost 60% off regular retail.

Plus they’re from Elie Tahari so I’m glad to toss them a little extra cash in appreciation for finally FINALLY offering a plus size line last year.

Although I’ve always been more of a Lou Reed than a David Bowie and I don’t put anything stronger than caffeine in my body (and that comes in the form of precisely one cup of tea between 2:30 and 3:00 p.m. Monday through Friday), I’ve always loved the wretched excess of New York’s glam rock/disco days.

The “Cabaret” from Due Farina rings my beee-eee-eeell in a major way, especially because they have a solid heel (THANK YOU), a wider toe box and a good bit of elastic at the ankle strap. Also? Almost 70% off!!

I’m going to be featuring shoes from the incredible Bluefly sale going on all this week, so be warned: sizing is going to be limited. Get while the getting’s good.

I say in theory, because the last time I played tennis, Reagan was president and my pressing concern of the day was whether I would in fact ever grow breasts. This in and of itself is not a problem. I don’t mind the inevitable paddling I’ll get (and I don’t mind losing the tennis match either, HEY-O!) but I am an old-fashioned girl and to me, tennis means wearing tennis whites and although I don’t know of any clubs that actually still have a dress code that strict, a girl wants to make a good impression.

I managed to scrounge around and find an acceptable outfit –white skirt, white pique polo, but I simply did not have the right shoes. My one pair of tennis shoes don’t have white soles and although there’s a lot of fussbudgeting re: whether colored soles really do mark up a tennis court (I’m pretty sure they don’t) it’s better to err on the side of caution, particularly when you’re a guest at someone else’s club.

Et voila:

The Lacoste Tourelle LP at Zappo’s. You can’t get much more old school for tennis than Lacoste, and who doesn’t love the little zippy crocodile? Well I mean aside from the inevitable flood of comments from people who have some traumatic crocodile logo-related John Hughes-style class warfare baggage, possibly involving someone named Heather (which was probably just Izod anyway, and not “real” Lacoste).

These are available in men’s sizes, so shop accordingly.

I generally don’t buy much in the way of fabric shoes because I have a hard time spending what I normally spend on shoes on something as delicate as silk and I still will not, unless for very good reason, break the $300 barrier on fabric shoes.

That being said:

*siiiiiigh*

I want them ALL: the black, the navy AND the pretty pretty ballet pink.

Giorgio Armani makes excellent shoes for the woman who appreciates a solid heel.  Plus the ankle ties with a buckle belt, so no worries about not having enough strap.

They’re on pretty decent sale at YOOX and are just that pretty, delicate but not perilous (the heel is high, but there’s a 1.5″ platform wedge) lovely shoe that makes you think of perfume and powder and all the joys –expensive though they might be– of being a girly girl, even if it’s just once a year.

Anyone?

Good. I’d hate to think any of my beloved readers have recently suffered a head injury so traumatic that would result in confusing me with someone who would ever approve of the chlamydia of casual footwear.

I don’t like or trust flip flops in the best of situations and I certainly don’t care for them as bridal wear. However I do understand a bride’s desire to have some comfortable footwear on the day she  screws me out of half a Kitchenaid mixer commits herself to wedded bliss.

What I don’t understand is why they would go for something so vulgar when for not much more in the way of pocket change when we’re talking wedding money ($79), they could have a darling little lyrical slipper like this, from ASH.

Because really, how sweet is that? It comes in several additional colors –a slate gray, pine, and black– but these are just so winsome without being twee.

Plus you won’t look back in 20 years and cringe at the sight of your white foam rubber platform flippies, and that is worth any price.

During a particularly tense part of the film, Silva (Eli Wallach) who may or may not have just enjoyed Baby Doll’s favors sits at the table with Baby Doll and her boorish husband, looks at her and says:

“That’s a beautiful ribbon you’re wearing Mrs Meighan. What particular shade of blue would you say that lovely ribbon is?”

“Oh, just baby blue.”

Granted, these ribbon-laced satin espadrilles (under $70 at YOOX and also available in lavender) are supposedly turquoise, not a baby blue, but they’re lovely all the same. I always like an unexpected treatment of an old classic, such as the satin pointe shoe treatment on a usually rugged espadrille.

I’m not familiar with Andrea Bernes‘ designs, but if these are anything to go by –sweet but not cutesy, innocent but not naive– I’m going to be a big fan.

I love love love these sweet little Les Prairies de Paris flats (on sale at YOOX)  so much I want to snoozle them.  They’re totally something Shirley Maclaine would’ve worn when she was dressing down in some mid-sixties technicolor confection to illustrate how she was just a sweet, kooky naif who just wants to be loved.  AND DID I MENTION THEY’RE GREEN?

It ain’t necessarily so.

I have a much beloved pair of red patent leather heels that I can clomp around in for twelve hours that are Kate Spade and they’re terrific. That being said, whenever people ask me who made them, I answer in that same bashful voice usually reserved for admitting my cute prom date was my cousin (he wasn’t. My cousin I mean. He was cute though.  Miss Plumcake doesn’t do ugly.)

That being said, I have warm feelings about both these:

This is what I call a First Lady Shoe (and I’m charmed by the “film” treatment of the bow.)  It doesn’t look like much on the screen, but you’ll find yourself reaching for these again and again for years and as long as they’re in season, they’ll be in style.

I’m a big proponent of the nude shoe, and I know some folks aren’t, but for when you want to elongate the leg and look polished without adding another serious element to your outfit, these are perfect.  The Gracie slingback from Kate Spade (above) reminds me very much of the heyday of Valentino and Ferragamo, before the tyranny of black shoes trampled the nude neutral.

For another, more contemporary sexier take,  check out the Gianna pumps (currently almost 25% off at Endless):

Usually I approach anything snug around the ankle with an appropriate quantity of fear and trembling.  While I do not have “cankles” my ankles are delicately turned in perhaps a more substantial way than the average woman’s so I need a strap that’s a bit more generous in nature.

My red Spades have ankle straps and they are the easiest, most generous straps I’ve ever used, so I can buckle down in the beginning of the day and loosen up as my afternoon progresses (read: no pump fat.)

These remind me a bit of the lingerie inspired Diors from couture last year (which I loved) but are drastically less expensive.

*Please do not put me on some sort dental hygienist death list. I love you all. Also I floss regularly. Also also, I agreed to go out on a blind date with the moron son of my favorite hygienist, who truly was an idiot (btw: DON’T tell someone your son is a professional cyclist when in actuality he’s a 35 year old guy who still plays with BMX bikes in his sweatpants) which I think is going way above and beyond the call of dental health.

(Get it? Because you can say “thousand dollar hooker shoe” to the tune of Camptown Races? Anyone?)

You know, I’ve got great affection for Giuseppe Zanotti.  Some of my very favorite shoes in my personal collection come from his rhinestone-encrusted brain.  I appreciate his whimsically literal approach to footwear and can’t help but be charmed by silly but still artistically interesting shoes like this:

Say what you will, but it has charm. I would wear them to a hip garden party or a gallery crawl.  I mean granted, they’re almost $900 at Endless which is a bit steep for whimsy, but if they dropped down to $200 at my local Last Call I’d snag them in a heartbeat.

These, on the other hand?

These are tragiculous. They hurt my soul. These are thousand dollar shoes that are designed to make you look like a thirty dollar hooker.

Now, I actually own some pretty stupendous apricot silk peau de soie heels with a collar of hundreds upon hundreds of individually-set crystals that swing in fringe around my ankles and I jokingly call them my stripper heels. They even zip up the back and they STILL look less strippery than these.

Pull it together, Joe.  Stop chasing the ruble and come back to us, please.