Oh Grrr, I’m just so mad. I had this WHOLE fantastic post typed up and the internet ate it. Stupid internet. Do you know who I blame?
Al Gore.
And also my grandma. See, our pal Al –who’s kinda a big girl himself these days… zomg!!1! wait, do you think he reads the blog? Hi Al! Hi! How are you? I’m sorry my grandmother keeps calling you “That Commie” but she really doesn’t like that you’ve put up all those solar panels at your place in Belle Meade. She doesn’t mean it.
Well actually she does, and don’t jog by her house if you see her outside. I’m not saying anything, but I’ve got a cigarette-shaped scar on my forearm from the time I asked her if I could join the Young Democrats Society, so you know, I’m just putting that out there. Whatever.
OH! and speaking of putting things out there. You’re uh. Kinda shiny.
And bloaty.
And you’re sort of one bad moustache away from looking like you should be expending an inordinate amount of energy just to prove that Ferris Bueller isn’t REALLY sick after all.
I’m just saying.
I don’t want you to feel down about yourself. I’m kinda shiny too and bloaty too. It’s the stress and I don’t even have like HALF the awards and things you do, although were YOU Very Nearly Almost Miss Louisa County 1997? No??? Then I guess YOU’RE NOT SO GREAT AFTER ALL, ARE YOU AL???
But seriously, maybe do you have too much salt in your diet? Are you not hydrated enough? Because that can do it to me. Like now I know I can’t eat chocolate covered pretzels when I have cramps even though OH MY GOD THEY’RE THE BEST THINGS EVER, because they my otherwise porcelain visage all puffy and gross and I wake up looking like a hung-over rhinoceros.
So for you Al Gore, Plumcake recommends:
Midol. It’s not just for cramps, it’s got magical debloating properties thanks to pyrilamine maleate.
You’ll also need to drink a lot of water. Like a LOT of water. I like Ty Nant because it’s Welsh and it’s gorgeous –not unlike myself really– but also because it’s remarkably refreshing. Again, not unlike myself. I tried to find it on Amazon, but all I got was this:
so your guess in Nashville is as good as mine. Lord knows I searched all over Nashville trying to find the stuff last fall, but you might be a little better connected than I am.
You’ll also probably want to look into the shine issue. Being shiny is fine if you’re, I don’t know, trying to entice a skittish raccoon or get laid at a gay disco or something–but for the rest of us, matte really is for the best.
Check out this traditional Papier Poudré, made in…England (didn’t see that coming.) They’re cheap and I always carry a booklet in my handbag. I find this particular brand to be more natural feeling than the rice powder ones from Japan. The Caswell Massey also makes a fine version and it smells like rose. Just press on your face, dust it off a little and you’re set.
Finally –and seriously Al, this will rock your rapidly warming world– for the eye bags and circles:
Dude. Get you some. I’ve been using it for two weeks and my bags and undereye circles –which admittedly not as bad as yours– are GONESVILLE. I put it on after my SPF moisturizer, and I look bright eyed and bushy tailed all the live long day.