We’re going to spend the rest of this week focusing on shapewear, and never fear, I still have a handful of corset recommendations, but several of you have asked me what I think about Spanx.

Spanx can just go ahead, do some breathing exercises, maybe stretch a little, purchase a crazy straw from the party supply store of their choice in any one of a variety of colors and suck it.

(none of these cartoons actually need shapewear)

I have never, EVER had a piece of shapewear from them that lasted more than one or two wearings, didn’t roll or otherwise backfire or have glaring flaws right out of the package. I gave up on their legwear ages ago after putting my hand through three pairs of their pantyhose, once on the first try.

Maybe they’re just made for women with only a little bit of pudge, or whose hourglass boom boom isn’t quite so pow. Maybe it’s because I’m the only person in America who has a torso longer than two inches. I don’t know, but I feel like I’m the only woman on the planet who doesn’t think these things are the best invention since sliced vodka.

Oh maybe it’s user error, you say.

HA and verily double ha! There are little baby angels who are rougher on their clothes than I am.

Heck, I painted my patio in Hermes and didn’t get a speck of Unicorno (apparently in Mexico, unicorns are fuchsia. In an unrelated note: there’s a lot of peyote in this country) on my entire outfit so it’s not like I’m running around with an angry jackal in my pants, laying waste to all hosiery within a 10 mile radius.

PLUS Spanx is ridiculously overpriced for the quality and what’s worse, most plus-size stores these days (please imagine me shaking a cane in geriatric wrath, you may also imagine me in a kaftan if you wish, but it’s not necessary to the visual) have either vastly reduced or completely eliminated their hosiery in favor of selling the Spanx line.

Sigh.

Remember about six million years ago, back at the dawn of the current century, where you could buy those amazing Lane Bryant opaque tights that looked great and lasted FOREVER and you didn’t mind spending $18 on one pair because you knew your knees would wear out before those tights did?

Gonesville. Replaced by ^%$# SPANX for the low low price of $30 – $40, which would be okay if they, as previously mentioned, didn’t suck so hard there are ostriches in Africa wondering what that breeze is and if maybe they couldn’t cut it out because it’s messing with their (the ostriches’ not the Spanxs’) feathers.

Sure you can get some novelty legwear and a basic entry-level black tight from the Lane Bryant home brand, but solid black is not the same as opaque black and one of my biggest pet peeves is a theoretically opaque tight that isn’t. Grr.

Honestly, for that manner of stretchy shapwear I’ve had far better luck at places like Ross and TJ Maxx.

For example: this past summer I bought an amazing high-waist pencil-skirt slimmer that has been a revelation and I KNOW I didn’t spend more than $10 for it. I’ve even worn it as a miniskirt under a long sweater and over a pair of my antediluvian but still functional LB opaque tights. Sadly I don’t have a brand for you (it’s seamless and I’ve rubbed the printed label right off) but if I find it again I’ll report back.

Izod –I know, right?– makes some surprisingly solid shapewear in plus sizes, all of which are higher quality than any of the Spanx I’ve experienced, and I’m pretty sure each piece I bought was $7.99.

There’s also some brand called Lady Princess that I’ve never seen anywhere other than Ross and Ross-esque stores.

I’m pretty sure they’re designed for drag queens (I think it’s the name) but I don’t care. I’ve had good luck with their more heavy-duty pieces.

As far as the major players go, I far prefer the Avenue Body line of shapewear to Lane Bryant’s Cacique (though I still prefer the LB bras) but neither of them really carry my watermelon since both brands tend to roll, fold, pill and lose their shape within a half dozen wearings.

So is there a brand of Spandex-not-steel shapewear you can find online and which I actually LIKE?

Yes, and stay tuned kiddios: I’ve got a Review Revue coming up tomorrow.

Unfortunately, you don’t need to be trained or certified before the state says it’s okay to have a corset.

Corsets are not Costume.

I mean, they CAN be, but you don’t need me or anyone else to tell you how to create that awful, desperate Platter O’ Boobs effect. So, just for the sake of my head not splitting in half with two even more judgmental pieholes growing in its place, let’s just forget corsets as costumery and focus on them as a piece of specialty shapewear.

For the purpose of this article, I’m going to define a corset as a piece of boned lingerie with laces that can be used to minimize the waist by at least 3″. I say that because there are a lot of cinchers, high-waisted girdles and other usually latex or rubber-intensive shapers that call themselves corsets.

Of course, if I learned anything from living in the DC metro area during the Clinton years, there’s boning and then there’s boning. A good corset has steel boning or something with the equivalent flexibility and control. Flimsy little plastic or fabric “bones” are less than useless, because not only do they NOT work most of the time, they’re also likely to roll on you (more on that later).

The two main mistakes I see big girls in corsets make (aside from the Platter O’Boobs) are wearing corsets that are the wrong shape for their body/the outfit and lacing the corset too tightly.

If you are very large-busted or tend towards the floppy, you want a corset that ends under the bust. Cleverly known as underbust corsets, they allow you to wear your own bra and avoid the POB look. They’re also my corset of choice because overbust corsets can ruin the side profile by making less-than-ginormous funbags look flat.

You should also consider the length of your torso.

I’ve got a long waist and a standard corset is usually too short for me, which leads to an incredibly alluring reverse muffin top where all the fat sploodges out the bottom. I usually fix that by wearing some manner of high-impact girdle so my hips and gut don’t burst forth like the mighty kraken, hellbent on destroying all in its path, or at least the lines of my outfit which –let’s face it– is more important.

A longline corset is the way to go if you want your lower stomach and hips to get some smoothing action as well.

They’re a bit more difficult to maneuver in and generally a little more expensive, but if you’ve laced yourself properly they’re no big deal.

If you’re quite short-waisted, a standard-length corset will probably work as a longline and if you want something for your waist only, look for a lace-up cincher instead of a corset.

Now the lacing.

It is so easy, not to mention tempting, to go overboard with the lacing.

But friends, the fat has got to go somewhere and when you over-lace not only does it look weird, disproportionate and fetishistic, you are almost guaranteed a nice bulging set of backfat puppies popping out of the top and bottom of your corset. Fabulous if you’re a dowager empress, not so great for the rest of us. Keep the laces at the top and bottom of your corset nice and open, focusing on creating a gently exaggerate curve, not overzealous Gibson Girl Gone Wild.

Monday I’ll have a selection of corsets I recommend as well as answering a few more questions about this seemingly most difficult piece of underwear. Until then I am being forcefully beckoned to Plumcake Central Command (my hammock) for an important meeting (a nap followed by a gin and tonic) before tonight’s busy schedule of…probably nothing.

So here’s the deal. Over the years I’ve had a good number of emails in re: the more intimate side of life as a big girl and I almost never answer. I know, that makes me a Very Bad Blogger Indeed but I can’t help it.

I believe what happens behind closed doors is none of my damn business unless you’re my next door neighbor in which case pipe down Susan Lucci, no one’s gonna give you an Emmy for THAT.

Then I got to thinking about the things I wish someone had told me when I was even younger and more impressionable than I am now and decided to impart the little wisdom I’ve gathered through the ages and stages of my sexually active life.

I’m putting this behind a jump, because although I’m doing my best to keep it respectable, this is an adult adult subject matter so if you’re a delicate petal or work in a particularly strict office, you might just want to skip it.

I take sexual health –especially my sexual health– very seriously, so as long as I’ve been sexually active I’ve been sexually responsible. Like many women my age whose first experience with sex in the news was Freddie Mercury’s death, I grew up perfectly aware that sex could kill me. Yeah, I know. Happy Wednesday everybody!

So I’d always been a Trojan girl.

I was never just crazy about them, but I knew they were effective and that was the most important thing. Then early this year I was getting ready to go to Ireland and no offense to my Pope-lovin’ pals, I’m just NOT going to trust a Catholic country to provide me with adequate and effective birth control.

Enter (uh, you know what I mean) the Okamoto Crown

.

Year after year, our customers constantly rate them at the head of the class. In terms of sensitivity, reliability and comfort the Crown Skinless Skin is unmatched. Most famous for their use in adult movies, Skinless Skin are Pink Tinted and famous for being ridiculously thin yet super strong. They are manufactured in Japan by Okamoto (who also manufactures fellow World’s Best Winner Beyond Seven). He will love them because their super thin design give them a “Bareback” feeling. She will love them because they are super thin and help her feel closer to her lover. Bottom Line: It feels like you have nothing on.

–Condom Depot 2011 Best Condoms Award

Y’all, this is a full-on Game Changer.

I literally had no idea a condom could feel like there was nothing there.

I wasn’t the only one. In fact, in the heat of the moment, if you’ll forgive the indiscretion, more than one of my fella-type friends asked if he could uh, release the kraken, because he’d forgotten there was anything there.

Now that I’m all settled down I’ve even given a dozen or so to Hot Latin Boy’s 16 year-old nephew and his girlfriend. We figured he might try the Special Imported Japanese Condoms as a sort of snob appeal, realize how great they were and with any luck, Hot Latin Boy doesn’t become a Great Uncle at 28.

Oh, they’re pink and just slightly lubricated. I don’t care one way or another about the pink and the lube level is fine for me, but I’ve read some reviews online that says you might want to add a little something extra if the situation calls for it. Anyway, it’s the only condom I’ll ever use. You’re welcome in advance.

Tomorrow: The Hair Down There

This might be because the dog from the house east of me was serenading the moon into the wee hours, or it could be that the western neighbor’s toddler recently discovered the therapeutic benefits of primal screaming and has dedicated his young life to the perfection of same.

Either way, I need some sparklies to cheer me up, so today’s ring feature comes not a moment too soon.

To conclude our foray into Big Jewelry I’ve picked out ten fun pieces of hand candy, just click on the pictures for linkylinks.

I just love a good cocktail ring –a cocktail ring a large bauble worn to look elegant while one gesticulates, glass in hand, at cocktail parties– and cocktail rings love me.

I mean, it’s pretty much my two favorite things –booze and jewelry– combined in  one delicious art form, with the bonus of being easily converted into a weapon in case someone needs to be corrected of wrong-thinking ideas.

There aren’t very many dos and don’ts about how to wear a ring (other than one ring per hand, not counting a wedding band) so I thought I’d just chat a little bit about costume jewelry in general.

There are essentially two schools of thought when it comes to costume jewelry in general and rings in particular: Those folks who want their gems to look like fine jewelry and those who don’t.

I can understand both sides.

Jewelry is a status symbol and while it’s a mark of status to own some serious mined gems, I think it’s infinitely more chic to wear high-end costume jewelry (I’m not talking Claire’s here) either alone or with your fine pieces that almost mocks fine jewelry because you’re secure enough in yourself (and possibly your vaults) to show you don’t care whether “they” believe it’s “real” or not.

Oh, and may I please express my disdain for the phrase “real jewelry”?

As a collector of vintage and antiquarian jewelry, both costume and fine, the line dividing the two is often blurred.

Take, for example, the Napoleonic Cut Steel Tiara, one of the literal crown jewels of Sweden.

Given to Queen Hortense by her mother, Napoleon’s beloved (and then not-so-beloved) Empress Josephine, there are no gems to be found anywhere on the tiara.

It’s made only of brass and steel but are you going to be the one to tell two hundred and fifty years of Swedish royalty it’s not “real jewelry” because there are no diamonds or precious metal?

Nope, me either.

My people have not  fared well historically against the vikings and I’m not enthusiastic about my chances to buck the trend.

Anyhoodle.

I’ve been fortunate in that my father was a very well-regarded jeweler who specialized in magnificent baubles, my grandmother’s collection of gems would make Liz Taylor sit up and take notice (though probably not now) and I have personally had the (mis)fortune to date many many men with more money than sense.

I’m pretty well-stocked for fine jewelry, so I spend my time on novel designs, particularly figural rings.

Funny story:

Yesterday while I was poking through HSN.com for the bracelet recommendations I saw Jean Dousset actually had a line for their simulated diamond line Absolute.

Once upon a time, I received a honking big canary diamond ring from Jean Dousset –well techincally it was BY Jean Dousset and FROM someone I later discovered had more wives than I find personally ideal, i.e., one– so I clicked through and saw a ring that was shockingly similar to mine.

The mind reeled.

Frankly I would’ve rather had the $90 ring and gotten the difference in cash.

Diamonds may be a girl’s best friend but a woman needs liquidity.

Which brings me to the subject of engagement rings: I kind of think they’re dumb.

Well, I don’t really think they’re dumb, but I’ve seen so many people go into debt to buy the biggest diamond their credit rating will allow and THAT’S dumb. I mean, a big fancy ring is nice but I can’t help but think marrying someone who doesn’t buy stuff they can’t afford is much, much nicer.

Okay enough waxing stentorian about costume jewelry, let’s talk guidelines:

Bracelets with Rings:

Fun if you’re going for Overdone On Purpose, otherwise a risky proposition.

If you want to do Overdone on Purpose, try to consider the bracelet and ring as one look. I’ve often wrapped a rope of pearls halfway up my arm and added an enormous pearl and gold cocktail ring to complete the look.

Brooches as Rings:

Sometimes I inherit brooches that have broken pins not worth repairing and/or are too small to wear in the traditional brooch style or elsewhere on my person, so I’ll glue them on to a ring blank.
Viola, fabulous cocktail ring.

You can do the same thing with broken old earrings.

Look in the mirror, are you Joe Pesci?

If yes, how shocked were you when Marisa Tomei won the Oscar? If no, take off the pinky ring.

Look in the mirror again, are you Anthony Bourdain?

If no, take off the thumb ring. If yes, take off the thumb ring anyway, it looks stupid on you too and you’re too old for that nonsense. If you’re not Lou Reed by now you’re never going to be. Sorry.

Buy Quality.

Finally, remember there is costume jewelry and then there is costume jewelry.

Don’t buy the wrong kind.

You want to look for prong-set stones, attention to detail and everything else you’d want in a piece of fine jewelry. In fact, in most of the pieces I buy today, the process of making the ring is the same, only the materials are different. You’ll also pay accordingly.

I’ve kept all but one of these rings under $100, a nice cocktail ring can easily set you back a few hundred dollars but the difference in quality will be visible.

Remember, style icons from Coco Chanel to Jackie Kennedy wore costume jewelry as part of their signature looks and looked amazing doing it. You can bet they didn’t get their stuff from Claire’s.

Okay lambkins that’s all I’ve got for jewelry for a while, if you have specific questions I didn’t answer, let me know, otherwise, I hope you enjoyed it!

have I responded to everyone’s questions from the Monday Post? If not, ask again and I’ll do my best to get to it today.

Now back to the second-to-last installation of the statement jewelry series: Bracelets.

As far as jewelry wickets go, bracelets are among the stickiest.

Still, I’ve picked out ten Plumcake-approved baubles from punk to prissy all advertised to fit a larger wrist and pictured here for your delectation and delight.

Just click the photos for shopping links.

First we’ve got to find one that fits, which requires an act of Congress, THEN we’ve got to make sure it doesn’t give us stump-arm, which requires an act of God. You know what I’m talking about when I say stump-arm right?

It’s the way a bad bracelet visually shortens your arms until you look like the star in an all-Tyrannosaurus Rex production of Auntie Mame. Sure, it makes a statement, but “transvestite thunder lizard” probably isn’t the direction we want to go quite yet.

I’ve only started wearing bracelets within the past few months. Historically I’d avoided them because:

a) It was difficult to find arm candy that was big enough to circumnavigate my 7.75″ wrist (not to mention slide over my giant mitts, made only from the finest of Virginia hams)

b) I don’t really like most stretch bracelets and non-stretch ones bothered me while I earned my crust of bread at the newspaper

c) My torso is long so it gives the appearance of having short arms. See stump-arm and drag queen dinosaur reference above

But somehow the stars aligned to make me A few months ago Hot Latin Boy bestowed unto me a custom parure of  a necklace, earrings and bracelet he designed and commissioned just for yours truly.

Well I couldn’t NOT wear the bracelet so I slipped it over my wrist and was surprised by how pretty it looked with my white dress and tan (okay, you know what, I can hear you laughing and you all can just quit it right now, I totally had a tan. I was practically bronze, assuming the word bronze means “slightly darker than alabaster”) skin.

A month or so later I came into possession of a ridiculous stack of unadorned silver bangles that fit me perfectly and now I wear them at least once a week.

Six things to keep in mind for wearing bracelets:

Think about movement.

The key to wearing statement bracelets is to make sure they’re not too tight, and have a little movement on the arm.

It’s strange, but one big thick bangle or cuff looks clunkier than that same bangle plus another slightly more delicate piece.

Don’t believe me? Go try it.

Getting a bracelet with dangling ornamentation is a fantastic way to get movement without bulk. I’m a huge fan.

Be careful with cuffs. I’ve got to be honest, I don’t just love big cuffs on big girls.

I love big cuffs in and of themselves, I even have a gorgeous 1970′s Pierre Cardin figural rams head cuff that probably weighs a pound and a half, but it’s very hit and miss as to when and how successfully I can wear it. The downside is, of course, that cuffs are the bracelets more likely to actually FIT a larger wrist.

If you want to do the cuff thing, look for something that tapers, the ones that are uniformly thick can look uniformly clunky. Not a fan.

Charm bracelets, when done right, are fantastic on a big girl.

The key is to keep from being cutesy.

Way back in the misty days of yore, from about the 1930′s to the 1960′s it wasn’t at all unusual for a woman to collect tiny little charms in the shape of shields as souvenirs from the places she’d visited.

They’re usually silver with an enameled crest with the place name and some local flora, fauna or site.

I have a travel bracelet full of little travel shield charms –although admittedly I buy them on eBay or Ruby Lane after I get back– to mark my favorite towns and cities.

I also get antique silver three-dimensional charms of every mode of transportation I’ve used.

Not only is a great piece of jewelry, it’s an heirloom in the making and a conversation piece.

You can point to the little horse and carriage and tell the grandkids about the time you took a surrey ride around Ensenada with a cute Mexican fella (extra bonus points if they’re HIS grandkids too) or the time you went to Wales on a ferry and had to throw yourself on the mercy of a stranger, which is how you spent the night in a place called “The Spider Cottage”.

Bangles: More is (sometimes) more. Up to a point that is, but usually five coordinating bangles are better than one and ten are better than five.

You’re generally safe taking a stack of bracelets 1/3rd of the way up your forearm.

Up to a half is doable with big stacks of chunky bracelets, but anything longer than that is seriously Advanced Fashion, so think it through.

Think about sleeve length. Easy rule of thumb:You want at least as much bare arm as you have bracelet-covered arm. If you are wearing bracelets that climb 5″ up the wrist, your sleeve should end no lower than five inches from the top of your northernmost bracelet.

Think outside the bracelet box. I’ve used bow ties, long necklaces, dog collars with vintage earrings attached, silk scarves, and just bits of ribbon onto which I’ve pinned a large antique brooch or fur clip.

Well, that’s all I’ve got for today.  Stay tuned tomorrow for rings and various other ornamentation and if you have something to say, put it in the comments!

Weekdays I pair them with simple cotton or knit dresses and during Proper Football season I traipse myself down to the local ex-pat bar in jeans, well-fitted jersey of my preferred team, with my hair pulled back babushka-style in a coordinating Hermes scarf and always always always, eye-catching earrings.

Astute readers will spot this immediately as a high-low look. When it comes to accessorizing, especially with jewelry, you’ll have the most success with capital F Fashion if you pair high –something more appropriate for evening or more formal occasions– with pieces that clock in on the casual side.

The problem with pretty day shoes and pretty day earrings and pretty day dress is it’s like talking in monotone.

Not bad, but boring and rarely chic.

A good pair of earrings is the easiest –and often least expensive– way to glam up an outfit.

First let’s talk about why earrings are great.

My love for big jewelry is as well-documented as my affection for muscular Latin thighs and easily concealed hip flasks but earrings are my favorite.

They act as spotlights, drawing the attention to where I want it to be; my eyes and face. It’s easy for people, particularly of the male persuasion, to get lost in the visual Bermuda Triangle that is my chestal area so great earring work as lighthouses to rescue those potentially lost at sea (or double D).

You’ve got a few basic shapes when it comes to big earrings.

Clip earrings –not to be confused with clip-ons — are like larger versions of studs, they sit on the earlobe.

Pendant earrings, or dangles, may have a clip element to them, but are usually en tremblant (not like I need to explain to you what dangle earrings are.)

Hoops are well, hoops. Still hate ‘em.

Cuffs are clip earrings that hug the earlobe and ascend past the lobe onto the rim of your ear.

I know we mostly think of cuff earrings as something one buys at the head shop that grips the rim of the ear like a hoop, but since presumably none of you  just got back from the Phish concert in 1995, we’ll skip that usage.

Clip Earrings:

Far and away my most often used style, partially because it was the mid-century trend but also because they’re almost universally flattering. Round faces, square faces, long necks, short necks, a clip always works. It’s like champagne and potato chips. There’s never a bad time for champagne and potato chips.

Well, possibly DURING a funeral, but maybe you could just chew quietly.

Oval and heart-shaped faces can pretty much wear whatever sort of clip their hearts desire, while round faces might do well to avoid button earrings. Not that buttons earrings are bad, but it’s just the least flattering shape.

You won’t have to worry about people gasping in horror if you’re of the spheroid persuasion and decide to don some perfectly round earbobs. Go for a figural –maybe flower shaped– instead. They’re more fun anyway.

Pendant Earrings:

I like a good pendant earring, and usually wear them with more casual outfits.

Here you want to be a little more thoughtful about the shape and the length of the earring as it pertains to your face shape and neck length.

My face is heart-shaped so I try to avoid earrings that are wider on top than at the bottom for the sake of balance. An elongated teardrop shape looks especially nice and balances out my pointy pointy chin.

Reese Witherspoon, honey? You should listen to me on this.

Extremely round faces should look for pieces significantly longer than they are wide, and you gals with the strong jaws but not so strong foreheads take the advice I gave about heart-shaped faces and flip it.

I generally recommend earrings end no longer than the middle of the neck.

All others are to be approached with fear and trembling.  It can be done, but it requires a good deal of Advanced Fashion know-how. (Aha, you think I’m totally going to complain about my short neck here, aren’t you? Well I’m NOT. So there!)

Cuffs Earrings:

I LOVE cuff earrings like the House of Harlow 1960 ones I’ve featured on this page. 

You get the ease of a clip, the drama of a pendant and it’s so unexpected and fresh. These are often clip-ons.

Speaking of clip-ons. I highly recommend converting your big earrings from pierced to clip. If you’re the handy sort you can do it yourself, but if not get a jeweler to do it. Worth every penny on earhole wear and tear.

Obviously it’s most important to have your hair away from the face when rocking the cuffs. There’s no point in wearing fabulous earrings if they’re going to be obscured by your silken tresses and since these climb up the ear, there’s a higher chance of them being hidden.

Hoop Earrings:

Nope, still hate ‘em. I’m not going to show you how to shoot up heroin either. It’s just socially irresponsible. I know that’ll get a bunch of you to start grabbing your shouty pitchforks. Don’t care. Put it on your own blog. I don’t often deploy the Orson Welles method of group management but since this will be our third or fourth go ’round on the hoops thing, I am putting my stompy foot down in the I’m-the-editor-and-I-said-so position from whence it shall not be moved.

Okay lambkins, remember to clicky click on the images for links to the earrings. You can also see how big they are in proportion to an “average” face and neck. Enjoy and be sure to tell me about your favorite earrings. Either from this group or your private collection. If you’ve got a question on how to deploy a particular pair, put it in the comments and I’ll do my darndest to answer.

I’m dandy and am bringing, as promised, a more detailed post on the successful deployment of costume jewelry, including 10 Plumcake’s Picks (clicky click on the images for links).

So let’s talk about necklaces.

While all women can pull off a serious statement necklace given sufficient attitude and force of personality, big girls have a leg up on our more slender competition because huge gobstopper gems that can overwhelm a delicate swan-like thing look fabulous and proportionate on our bigger frames.

You gotta have a big canvas if you want to paint a masterpiece.

And before I get all you art history majors waggling your invisible fingers at me, I know that’s not technically correct.

But you know the deal: you don’t split hairs with my turns of phrase and I don’t roll my eyes and cough *shouldagonefortheMBA* whenever you complain in genuine surprise at the shocking lack of high-paying jobs requiring an advanced degree in upside down toilets.

Moving on.

Big necklaces can be tricky for the big girl.

We’ve got the bulk to carry it off, but we don’t necessarily have the neck. I know, I know. Just as I’m convinced my church exists solely as a place for me to lose my sunglasses, you might think this blog exists solely as a place for me to bemoan my lack of giraffe-like qualities.

That is a damnable misconception. It’s also a place for me to post pictures of Spanish footballers in compromising and slightly homoerotic positions. Whee.

Generally speaking, the shorter your neck, the longer you want your necklaces to be.

I’m not saying go for all lavaliers all the time, but chokers or extremely busy bibs close to the throat run a higher risk of making you look a little squatter than necessarily desirable, you want the necklace to enhance the beauty of your face. A too-short necklace is like a photograph that’s been too tightly cropped.

Also there’s the dreaded disappearing necklace, where the front vanishes entirely under my double chin when I talk with any degree of animation.

This is a Very Bad Look for me. It’s like, acid wash and mullet bad.

*shudder*

When you’re tall you can fudge a bit on length, but the sweet spot for short necklaces is juuuust below the hollow of the throat. It’s the prettiest length on almost anyone, and you can still get a lot of drama without the Campbell’s Soup Kid effect.

Now let’s talk about body shape.

Apparently we’re either apples or pears. While I slightly object to being described as any part of Cockney rhyming slang, let’s have a butcher’s at what suits the various fruits among us.

I’m pretty much an hourglass pear, but there’s definitely more time at the bottom than the top.

For me, most necklaces extending longer than the middle of my decollete (I’d say cleavage but my gals have a wide stance so there’s no actual cleave involved unless coaxed via specialty equipment and possibly the Army Corps of Engineers) get lost and are more distracting than anything else.

For apples however, especially short ones (crabapples?), the opposite holds true.

While pears are best served with chunky but clean bib-style ornamentation, those lucky apples can rock the long ropes, pendants and lavaliers like nobody’s business. They make short girls look taller and encourage the eye to travel all the way down the body instead of just hitting the rack or belly and stopping.

Basic styling advice for a statement necklace: Minimize distractions.

Wear your hair up or back if it’s long and you’re wearing a big piece close to the face and keep the neckline clean.

You can have an orgiastic explosion of ruffles OR an orgiastic explosion of jewels, but please, one orgy per outfit.

The last thing you want is to have a visual competition between Big Necklace, Big Hair and Big Neckline.

Go High/Low for day.

It’s really the most chic way for day.

Yesterday I tossed on a dead simple and cheap black t-shirt jersey dress, flat gold sandals and an enormous Bollywood-style necklace.

I added an understated but substantial ring to continue the look of casual glam and it was enormously successful.

For some reason people seem to think every article of clothing has to have the same formality level.

For evening okay, I’ll buy that, but for day and early cocktail, splashy jewelry with understated clothes (jeans, a little cute knit top) is the most fun combination since Ovaltine and compound opiates, and that my friends, is a lot of fun.

Okay ducklings, it’s time for Miss Plumcake to hit the showers. Okay, really it’s time for Miss Plumcake to swim in her pool of costume jewelry like Scrooge McDuck (but in a tiara) but either way, have a fantastic day and tell me all about your favorite necklace in the comments!

So. Jealous.

Ready? OK!

Fun fact: your pal Plummy’s greatest regret in life is not being born a wealthy Indian woman.

First of all I ADORE the fashion, but mostly I am heart-stabbingly jealous of the way they can just pile on pound after pound of fabulous jewelry and have it look amazing and appropriate.

As it is, I am but a boring Anglo chick living in the boring western world and as such am bound by the confines of good taste to limit myself to one major piece of jewelry per outfit.

When I see a woman wearing a blingy bracelet, watch, earrings, a necklace or two and half a dozen rings I don’t think “there is a wealthy, stylish woman” I think “there is a woman who is desperately trying to convince me of her wealth and style.” Otherwise not only is it visually distracting it can smack of Trying Too Hard.

I’m sure there is all manner of longstanding socio-cultural snobbery behind this, but much like the best way to get a loan from a bank is to look like you don’t need one, the best way to look like you’ve got a ton of precious gems in the vault is to keep a tight rein on your inner magpie.

Edie Sedgwick: Short Hair + Long Earrings

Think About Your Hair

One of the things that makes me CRAZY about Princess Beatrice –she of the famous spaghetti monster hat– is she picks the most fabulous envy-inducing pieces of millinery and then ruins it all to hell with the wrong hair.

Long and/or unruly hair takes up a lot of attention. Big jewelry does the same thing. Unless you want your hair and your jewelry going at it like the Hatfields and McCoys, you’d be wise to pull your hair back from your face and let the sparklies get the attention.

Not the ideal fashion role model

Plus necklaces often sit higher on the throat which means the eye has less space to rest between your beautiful necklace and your even more beautiful face. I keep my hair in an Eton crop (the 1920′s version of what would eventually evolve into the pixie cut) to show off my jewelry to its best advantage.

I’m not suggesting you go to extremes if you only deploy the major bling on rare occasions, but you want your hair to work for your total look, not against it. Coif accordingly.

A note about face shapes:

Consider the shape of your face when selecting earrings and necklaces.

Heart-shaped faces (with the correctly tamed hair, of course) have the most universal success in carrying off enormous sparklers because they balance out a pointy or narrow chin while those with square jaws generally tend to do better with more understated earbobs.

Lana Turner rocking the hair ornaments

Big girls with especially round faces might want to exercise caution when going for chokers, which can emphasize the roundness and give an undesired essence of Campbells Soup Kid, but are well-served with necklaces that come to a point and/or sit below the hollow of the throat.

Round-faced girls can also have great success with hair ornaments. I often pin a vintage fur clip, clip-on earring or other bit of jewelry into my hair when I want some sparkle. Granted, this trick is more Advanced Fashion and requires the right personality to successfully deploy, but it’s a great way to add some oomph in an elegant but unexpected way.

Have a great weekend gang and stay tuned next week for the next part of the series where I’ll go deeper into the nuts and bolts of wearing costume jewelry and give you some of my favorite Plumcake-approved picks.

Two days ago one of my dear friends was beaten up by her long-time boyfriend. Two days ago I lived in a world where that only happened to other people. How do I talk to her about this? How do I reconcile that I now live in a world where partners hurt each other? At an intellectual level, I understand that I always lived in a world where this happened.

My friend is debating the merits of pressing charges, but she’s not entirely blameless and she’s not entirely mentally sound. I’m worried about what his lawyers would do with that and what trial prep would do to her mentally and emotionally. Not to mention the ordeal of a trial. The bottom line is that I’m her friend and I will support her no matter what, but I don’t know where to start.

Hoo boy.

First of all, I’m sorry. Not just for your friend, but for you. It’s one thing to know academically we live in a sometimes violent world; it’s another entirely to have a dear friend look at you through a blackened eye. I went through this with a friend of my own a few years ago, and it sucked for everyone involved. Of course I’m just a yahoo with a lifestyle blog, not a licensed counselor, so I can only tell you what I’ve found effective.

Provide a safe place for her to land

I mean that figuratively and, if necessary, literally. You want to do as much as you can to create an environment that makes success as easy as possible. My friend lived with and was financially dependent on her abuser. Our church helped her find a place to sleep at night and several of her friends and I made sure she had groceries and utilities covered. This wasn’t because we’re such great people (although I admit we’re pretty swell), but because we wanted to create an environment where she didn’t feel she needed to go back to him so she could eat.

Once your friend’s physical needs are taken care of, the best thing you can possibly do is listen and provide honest support.

Don’t offer your opinions

Or at least be judicious when you do, just listen (even if it kills you). Ask questions instead of offering advice. If she’s thinking about going back to him, matter-of-factly tell her you think it’s a bad idea, but try your dardnest not to get overheated about it. Trust me, there have been times I’ve bitten my tongue so hard I’ve nearly made blood shoot out my nose, but you don’t love him, she probably still does. The last thing you want to do is put her in a situation where she’s defending him –either aloud or internally– against your badmouthing.

Don’t dissect it just yet

We both know that although physical violence is never okay, it’s rarely one-sided or without provocation (no, this doesn’t mean anyone deserves to be hit, and I’m not blaming the victim) so I understand it when you say “she’s not entirely blameless”.  At this point it doesn’t matter whether she threw the first punch, was blindsided or gave just as good as she got. You want to get her out of the situation. You’re still doing triage at this stage, give it a little distance before you start analyzing behavior.

Do as much of the legwork for her as you can

Your friend is likely to feel overwhelmed right now, and we’ve all felt paralyzed by having so much to do. Sit down and figure out a plan. If she needs to get a new mailing address asap, call the post office and find out how much a PO box is, or do the research online and send her the link. This isn’t to say just let her sit back and wallow while you take control of everything, but lend a hand and offer your support.

And now the sad truth:

You can’t help someone who won’t help themselves. You’ve got to be emotionally prepared for her to go back to her boyfriend, for her to lash out, for her stability to decrease. This hurts. It REALLY hurts and it REALLY sucks and unfortunately it REALLY happens.

For more (and doubtlessly better) advice. Click here to see what the National Domestic Violence Hotline has to say about helping a friend. I’ll keep you and your friend in my thoughts and prayers. Good luck to you both.

Comments to this post will be very strictly moderated and shut off if necessary, this is not a place for debate. -Ed.

Okay, it was more like four, but that’s four more than I expected and because I love to love you babies, I thought I’d do a little featurette for those wanting to reproduce the Miss Plumcake at Villa Plumcake look at home.

I’m not shy by any stretch of the imagination, but I don’t often do this sort of thing. It comes across as a little self-indulgent, even for me.

Also, just in case you were wondering, that’s not weird nipple action, I’m just pretty sure I had my keys in my bra. That’s right mijas,  it’s all glamor at Villa Plumcake.

Here’s how to get the look:

HAT This is the exact hat in the photo, a crushable, abuseable, practically indestructible white fabric and wire sunhat.

I removed the ribbon and adjusted the brim into more of a portrait shape for maximum Joan Collins effect and wore it almost every day.

>SUNGLASSES Admittedly this is a bit of Advanced Fashion as the non-ironic white sunglasses can be difficult to pull off, but I love my mother of pearl Clubmasters (I also have them in a caramel jasper treatment) and really, when one is wearing All White All The Time, darker shades just won’t do. The variations and pearlescence of the frame stop them from looking hipster and land them safely into 1930′s glamor.

JOURNAL My grandmother kept a record of her Grand Tour of Europe, jotted down in a neat little notebook of Moroccan red leather with the most over-the-top rococo gilt swirls embossed along the cover.

Determined to maintain the travelogue tradition, I picked up a small but sturdy handmade leather journal on my first trip across the pond and have used it exclusively for my travel memoirs ever since.

Though the actual journal in the photo is a simple one-off I bought for ₤20 at King’s Cross Station in London, this travel-ready notebook has the same feel.

PEPPER PEN I never went anywhere alone without my pepper spray pen within easy reach, usually tucked into the neckline of my dress.

No one ever questioned why I always wrote with another pen.

It was a handy way to feel safe when I was walking around alone without openly insulting the locals.

BOLERO – I can’t remember where I picked up this Jessica Howard bolero cardigan, but I wish I’d bought a dozen of them.

The Pacific breeze can get a bit nippy and this, alternated with my wrap. kept me nice and snug.

The dress is an inexpensive Mexican-style white cotton sundress with a surplice neck and crocheted lace detailing on the skirt I picked up for almost nothing at Ross and the bra is the original (now discontinued) Lace Plunge from Lane Bryant.

So there you have it: Miss Plumcake at Villa Plumcake.

Add your own oceanfront lovenest, hot Latin footballer, mezcal (no worm, thank you) and shake. Olé!