Earlier this week lovely and fragrant reader Jenna B asked for a little help on the successful use of costume jewelry. It’s been a while since I’ve done a jewelry post so I am only too happy to oblige. I’ll have more posts next week on the subject, so if your questions aren’t answered here, put them in the comments and I’ll try to incorporate them into next week’s posts.

Ready? OK!

Fun fact: your pal Plummy’s greatest regret in life is not being born a wealthy Indian woman.

First of all I ADORE the fashion, but mostly I am heart-stabbingly jealous of the way they can just pile on pound after pound of fabulous jewelry and have it look amazing and appropriate.

As it is, I am but a boring Anglo chick living in the boring western world and as such am bound by the confines of good taste to limit myself to one major piece of jewelry per outfit.

When I see a woman wearing a blingy bracelet, watch, earrings, a necklace or two and half a dozen rings I don’t think “there is a wealthy, stylish woman” I think “there is a woman who is desperately trying to convince me of her wealth and style.” Otherwise not only is it visually distracting it can smack of Trying Too Hard.

I’m sure there is all manner of longstanding socio-cultural snobbery behind this, but much like the best way to get a loan from a bank is to look like you don’t need one, the best way to look like you’ve got a ton of precious gems in the vault is to keep a tight rein on your inner magpie.

Oh, and when I say “a single piece” I really mean “a single look“.
For example, I was fortunate enough to come into possession of of a dozen solid silver bangles that climb well up my arm. Since they combine together to create a look, I count it as one piece of jewelry, just as I’d count several strands of pearls layered Chanel-style as a single piece.

Think About Your Hair

One of the things that makes me CRAZY about Princess Beatrice –she of the famous spaghetti monster hat– is she picks the most fabulous envy-inducing pieces of millinery and then ruins it all to hell with the wrong hair.

Long and/or unruly hair takes up a lot of attention. Big jewelry does the same thing. Unless you want your hair and your jewelry going at it like the Hatfields and McCoys, you’d be wise to pull your hair back from your face and let the sparklies get the attention.

The right hairstyle is even more important for big girls because we rarely suffer from long, swan-like necks so we don’t get the benefit of that much-needed negative visual space.

Plus necklaces often sit higher on the throat which means the eye has less space to rest between your beautiful necklace and your even more beautiful face. I keep my hair in an Eton crop (the 1920′s version of what would eventually evolve into the pixie cut) to show off my jewelry to its best advantage.

I’m not suggesting you go to extremes if you only deploy the major bling on rare occasions, but you want your hair to work for your total look, not against it. Coif accordingly.

A note about face shapes:

Consider the shape of your face when selecting earrings and necklaces.

Heart-shaped faces (with the correctly tamed hair, of course) have the most universal success in carrying off enormous sparklers because they balance out a pointy or narrow chin while those with square jaws generally tend to do better with more understated earbobs.

Big girls with especially round faces might want to exercise caution when going for chokers, which can emphasize the roundness and give an undesired essence of Campbells Soup Kid, but are well-served with necklaces that come to a point and/or sit below the hollow of the throat.

Round-faced girls can also have great success with hair ornaments. I often pin a vintage fur clip, clip-on earring or other bit of jewelry into my hair when I want some sparkle. Granted, this trick is more Advanced Fashion and requires the right personality to successfully deploy, but it’s a great way to add some oomph in an elegant but unexpected way.

Have a great weekend gang and stay tuned next week for the next part of the series where I’ll go deeper into the nuts and bolts of wearing costume jewelry and give you some of my favorite Plumcake-approved picks.

Yesterday faithful reader Sara A wrote:

Two days ago one of my dear friends was beaten up by her long-time boyfriend. Two days ago I lived in a world where that only happened to other people. How do I talk to her about this? How do I reconcile that I now live in a world where partners hurt each other? At an intellectual level, I understand that I always lived in a world where this happened.

My friend is debating the merits of pressing charges, but she’s not entirely blameless and she’s not entirely mentally sound. I’m worried about what his lawyers would do with that and what trial prep would do to her mentally and emotionally. Not to mention the ordeal of a trial. The bottom line is that I’m her friend and I will support her no matter what, but I don’t know where to start.

Hoo boy.

First of all, I’m sorry. Not just for your friend, but for you. It’s one thing to know academically we live in a sometimes violent world; it’s another entirely to have a dear friend look at you through a blackened eye. I went through this with a friend of my own a few years ago, and it sucked for everyone involved. Of course I’m just a yahoo with a lifestyle blog, not a licensed counselor, so I can only tell you what I’ve found effective.

Provide a safe place for her to land

I mean that figuratively and, if necessary, literally. You want to do as much as you can to create an environment that makes success as easy as possible. My friend lived with and was financially dependent on her abuser. Our church helped her find a place to sleep at night and several of her friends and I made sure she had groceries and utilities covered. This wasn’t because we’re such great people (although I admit we’re pretty swell), but because we wanted to create an environment where she didn’t feel she needed to go back to him so she could eat.

Once your friend’s physical needs are taken care of, the best thing you can possibly do is listen and provide honest support.

Don’t offer your opinions

Or at least be judicious when you do, just listen (even if it kills you). Ask questions instead of offering advice. If she’s thinking about going back to him, matter-of-factly tell her you think it’s a bad idea, but try your dardnest not to get overheated about it. Trust me, there have been times I’ve bitten my tongue so hard I’ve nearly made blood shoot out my nose, but you don’t love him, she probably still does. The last thing you want to do is put her in a situation where she’s defending him –either aloud or internally– against your badmouthing.

Don’t dissect it just yet

We both know that although physical violence is never okay, it’s rarely one-sided or without provocation (no, this doesn’t mean anyone deserves to be hit, and I’m not blaming the victim) so I understand it when you say “she’s not entirely blameless”.  At this point it doesn’t matter whether she threw the first punch, was blindsided or gave just as good as she got. You want to get her out of the situation. You’re still doing triage at this stage, give it a little distance before you start analyzing behavior.

Do as much of the legwork for her as you can

Your friend is likely to feel overwhelmed right now, and we’ve all felt paralyzed by having so much to do. Sit down and figure out a plan. If she needs to get a new mailing address asap, call the post office and find out how much a PO box is, or do the research online and send her the link. This isn’t to say just let her sit back and wallow while you take control of everything, but lend a hand and offer your support.

And now the sad truth:

You can’t help someone who won’t help themselves. You’ve got to be emotionally prepared for her to go back to her boyfriend, for her to lash out, for her stability to decrease. This hurts. It REALLY hurts and it REALLY sucks and unfortunately it REALLY happens.

For more (and doubtlessly better) advice. Click here to see what the National Domestic Violence Hotline has to say about helping a friend. I’ll keep you and your friend in my thoughts and prayers. Good luck to you both.

 

Comments to this post will be very strictly moderated and shut off if necessary, this is not a place for debate. -Ed.

Golly! When I updated the Manolo for the Big Girl facebook page (which I SWEAR I’m going to start using again. Scout’s honor) I had no idea I’d get so many messages about my outfit.

Okay, it was more like four, but that’s four more than I expected and because I love to love you babies, I thought I’d do a little featurette for those wanting to reproduce the Miss Plumcake at Villa Plumcake look at home.

I’m not shy by any stretch of the imagination, but I don’t often do this sort of thing. It comes across as a little self-indulgent, even for me.

Also, just in case you were wondering, that’s not weird nipple action, I’m just pretty sure I had my keys in my bra. That’s right mijas,  it’s all glamor at Villa Plumcake.

Here’s how to get the look:

HAT This is the exact hat in the photo, a crushable, abuseable, practically indestructible white fabric and wire sunhat.

I removed the ribbon and adjusted the brim into more of a portrait shape for maximum Joan Collins effect and wore it almost every day.

 

>SUNGLASSES Admittedly this is a bit of Advanced Fashion as the non-ironic white sunglasses can be difficult to pull off, but I love my mother of pearl Clubmasters (I also have them in a caramel jasper treatment) and really, when one is wearing All White All The Time, darker shades just won’t do. The variations and pearlescence of the frame stop them from looking hipster and land them safely into 1930′s glamor.

 

JOURNAL My grandmother kept a record of her Grand Tour of Europe, jotted down in a neat little notebook of Moroccan red leather with the most over-the-top rococo gilt swirls embossed along the cover.

Determined to maintain the travelogue tradition, I picked up a small but sturdy handmade leather journal on my first trip across the pond and have used it exclusively for my travel memoirs ever since.

Though the actual journal in the photo is a simple one-off I bought for ₤20 at King’s Cross Station in London, this travel-ready notebook has the same feel.

PEPPER PEN I never went anywhere alone without my pepper spray pen within easy reach, usually tucked into the neckline of my dress.

No one ever questioned why I always wrote with another pen.

It was a handy way to feel safe when I was walking around alone without openly insulting the locals.

BOLERO – I can’t remember where I picked up this Jessica Howard bolero cardigan, but I wish I’d bought a dozen of them.

The Pacific breeze can get a bit nippy and this, alternated with my wrap. kept me nice and snug.

The dress is an inexpensive Mexican-style white cotton sundress with a surplice neck and crocheted lace detailing on the skirt I picked up for almost nothing at Ross and the bra is the original (now discontinued) Lace Plunge from Lane Bryant.

So there you have it: Miss Plumcake at Villa Plumcake.

Add your own oceanfront lovenest, hot Latin footballer, mezcal (no worm, thank you) and shake. Olé!

Yesterday our BR (beloved reader) Tropical Chrome made the following request:

Would it be at all possible if, during shoe month, you could address proper expectations from better shoes? I ask because every time I buy a new pair of good shoes, no matter how well fitted they are for my feet (with experienced sales help at a better name store even!) or how long I test walk them in the store or how comfortable they feel there, I end up with blisters and hot spots when I wear them for real. While I don’t expect heels or dress shoes to be as comfortable as bedroom slippers or sneakers, I don’t expect to be in pain with broken skin after wearing them every time either.Or are all women at this level of pain at the end of every day and no one talks about it? Or do I just have unique feet that change shape after I leave the shoe store?

Solemmetellyou a little story about lasts.

This is a last:

A last is the mold on which shoes are made.  This last was most likely used to make this shoe:

Which, while not my favorite shoe in the world, is by no means the worst of the built-in-sock variety of shoe/sock/bootie (shockootie?)

Some lasts are more foot-shaped than others:

but they will not –and I cannot overemphasize this– be YOUR foot shape.

Your feet, like mine, have lumps and bumps and that weird little scar from the time you dropped a glass on your big toe and all sorts of things that make your tooties your own and that means there’s probably going to be some discomfort  and you and your shoes get to know each other.

See how I said “some discomfort” and not, I don’t know,  “gross oozing pustules of hurtiness“?

That’s because shoes should never do that.

So the first thing we need to do is abandon the idea that we can buy a fancy pair of shoes and wear them for eight hours straight for days on end without repercussions.  Which isn’t to say it hasn’t happened, but don’t place your bets that way.

Here are some handy tips and tricks to keep the blisters at bay:
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Sometimes I’m just kind of dim.

(BTW this pause is for you to vehemently disagree, take your time. Keep going. Little more. Liiiittle more. There. Now stop.)

No, no. It’s true.

A few years ago at Style Spy’s suggestion, I picked up a fab pair of espadrille wedges with burnished gold leather uppers and I spent the bulk of that summer going “Why don’t I wear more espadrilles? I should wear more espadrilles!” but there was an ill-fated design flaw with my dear ‘drillies and I only got one season out of them.

Then in early March I found a pair of ridiculously un-me Lacroix espadrilles on slapyermomma sale and I’ve been tromping around in them asking myself the same question ever since. They’re comfortable, super padded, and since they lace all the way up, they’re molded to my feet.

Plus –and I don’t think we can underestimate the value of this– The Carolina Royal and I got to have the following conversation:

“Your espadrilles. They’re fabulous.”
“They’re Lacroix.”
“I like them even better now!”

At its most basic, an espadrille is a rope-braided fiber –usually jute– with a heel and a toe sewn on in two pieces,  como eso:


UNIONBAY Women’s Pipper Espadrille

Which, okay, is not exactly an exciting fashion statement (although I do love men in these plain types) but the concept is a good one.  It just needs a bit of mustard.

Charles David – Dizzy

Even though espadrilles originated in the Pyrenees, they have a very coastal feel to me, which is why I generally prefer my ‘drillies to have a rustic, woven look, and one of the very few instances where I prefer fabric to leather. When I picture the inspiration for espadrilles, I’m imagining craggy-eyed men and old women in big black skirts who mend nets in some sleepiy Spanish fishing village applying their handicraft to the local footwear.

Eric Michael – Panna

Which isn’t to say there aren’t good drillies with leather uppers, these mid wedges from Eric Michaels are nice –with the added bonus of the t-strap keeping the slingback from slipping off your foot– and these Donald J. Pliners:

Donald J Pliner – Qamra

Are woven nubuck leather, which is the best of both worlds. They’re also the only ones actually made in Spain.

Delman – Denny

For a more Betty Grable take on things –without veering into cutesy vintage– you can’t beat Delman. Doing a black ‘drille is harder than you might think, and this is the best example I’ve found. Plus it’s Delman, so you can pretend you’re Maggie Prescott making over Hepburn The Lesser and shout “CALL DELMAN’S!”

Apepazza – Gaia

Of course you could always take a more boho, road to Marrakesh spin, which would be fun and a good way to anchor a dress that needed a fairly solid shoe to balance out the look.  These also come in a sort oxblood which I might like even more.

But what if you don’t want to futz with the tying and the buckling and whatnot? I mean it’s a long way down for some of us…

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Know what I love? Stuff that works.

I feel like I spend a disproportionate amount of time trying to find things that DO what they say they do.  And you know, I’m not raising kids or brokering world peace, but my time is still valuable.  I mean, I’m not in my twenties anymore…I’m only going to stay wrinkle-free and immaculately bosomed for so long, and each moment I spend in the grocery aisle debating which glass cleaner will make computer-generated birds fly into my French doors  is a moment I’m NOT slipping roofies into the bourbons of easily-entrapped elderly rich dudes and frankly, I just can’t live with that.

Another thing I love is “The Natural Look.”

No really, I do. Mine are some very lazy bones and although I am perfectly capable and willing to wear a full face of makeup when it is required, for the most part, my day look involves nada in the way of paints and powders.

I subscribe to the French technique  –it sounds fancier than just saying I’m lazy– which is relatively little in the way of actual cosmetics, but a serious skin care regime. Honestly, if you’ve got great skin and a well-shaped, flawlessly groomed brow (and if you’re me, a draconian position on unwelcome facial hair) you should –theoretically– be able to wake up, wash your face, moisturize and be ready for your close up.

Here are the exact products I use and love:

Full disclosure:

I’ve got big ole eyelash extensions comme ça, so keep in mind you might want to add a slick of mascara –or better yet, lash tinting– for a natural-but-polished look.

(oh what, you thought it was all glamor? This is mid-exfoliation, yo! And you say I don’t love you.)

Here is what I use for skin care:

Aveeno Positively Radiant Cleansing Pads

I was looking for something that didn’t require rinsing as I can’t get my eyelashes wet for 24 hours after a fill when I bought these by mistake. Happily it was one of those rare mistakes that work out in my favor.  My skin –which had been suffering– noticeably improved within a few days. Each pad has a little scrubby side and a lathery side. The scrubby side is perfect for gentle exfoliation, but when I want something a bit stronger –about once a week– I pour a little rice flour onto the pad and scrub it into my face.  Rice flour is an excellent and dirt cheap natural exfoliant. It doesn’t get super sudsy (see picture above) but has a nice little lather that rinses off easily.

Aveeno Positively Radiant Daily Moisturizer SPF 30

This isn’t the best moisturizer/radiance serum I’ve ever used –those awards go to Sisley, Chanel and Caudelie– but it’s the best one I’ve found for under $90.  My skin tone is more even and brighter, and the lotion absorbs quickly, which is nice because “glowy” is a good look for me, “greased up like Charleton Heston” is not.

Olay Regenerist Night Recovery Cream

I use this before bed, on top of my Aveeno moisturizer. Again, it’s not the best I’ve ever used but it’s the best for under $90, and it’s not markedly less effective than my $200 cream.  This is some thick goop though, so a little bit goes a long way. While I wouldn’t say it’s greasy, it stays on the skin longer than I’d like for day wear so this night cream really is better just at night.

Cover Girl Professional Natural Lash No Color Mascara

Really any old clear mascara should do to run over your brows to keep them nicely shaped for the day but I like giving my money to Cover Girl because I appreciate they use plus-size Queen Latifah and other women of color in their ads.  Next week (I hope) I’ll show you how I do my brows when I’m wearing makeup, but usually it’s just the clear mascara and a very good waxist.

Lip Venom by DuWop

This is the perfect lip gloss because it just brings a flush of blood to your lips. I’ve never noticed any real lip plumping, but I’ve got a big mouth (hush, you know what I mean) so I’m not sure I’d notice it if it did. Incidentally, if you don’t have high coloring in your cheeks, a little bit of this on your fingertips and rubbed into your cheeks like a cream blush should do the trick.

So there you go, the five products I use every day to get a fresh, polished natural look. If you decide to try any of them –and I highly recommend them all– be sure to let us know!

Did you know runners often put Band-Aids over their nipples so as to prevent chafing when they’re doing long runs? It’s true!

The one and only time I’ve ever put bandages (well really electrician tape) over my nipples was when I was a “celebrity” bartender for an Out Youth fundraiser in 2002 and while I’m glad to strip off and tape up for a good cause, any activity that involves the real and present danger of nipple injury is not an activity for me.

That being said, in the Venn diagram of fat chicks and dedicated runners we do overlap when it comes to chafing issues. They have their nipples and God knows what else (the only serious runners I know are a priest and clergy spouse and while I love them both unreservedly, I’m not yet comfortable saying “Hey padre, howzyer nips?”) and big girls?

Big girls have the indignity of chub rub.

Chub rub, for those lucky souls fortunate enough to be in the dark about this extremely unpleasant phenomenon, is when your thighs rub together when you walk, thereby creating enough friction to light a forest fire big enough to do away with California once and for all.

Everyone has their own favorite prophylactic chub rub treatment. I used to use good old Johnson’s baby powder when I was a teenager, but now my heart and thighs belong to the Avenue seamless bike short.

Can we just give it up to the Avenue for a minute? Because their seamless collection rocks, and their long line bike shorts were the best plus-size leggings I found. In fact they were so good the company renamed them.

Anyway, for the best chub rub prevention I like the Avenue seamless bike shorts:

(click images for links)

Generally speaking I prefer the high waist shorts because I’ve got quite a long torso and it just feels more secure, but I certainly have no objections to the short with lower rise.  One thing to keep in mind is this is not shapewear, or at least not shapewear in the Hateful Tyranny of Spanx vein.  It does create a smooth line under a dress or something more flowy and I wouldn’t wear a white dress or trouser without a pair underneath, but if you’re looking for something to suck you in then you’ll have to go to their “control” line, which is great for what it is, but it’s a little more intense than what I want to do every day. There is also a cotton no-ruffle bloomer I find mighty intriguing.

Of course if you prefer something a little looser there are always pantaletts

(click images for links)

These have those snip-to-fit hems my grandmother used to have on her slips, so you can cut them to your ideal length.

You can even have custom bloomers, knickers, pantaletts and pantaloons MADE for a very reasonable price, in any fabric you want.

Imagine, velvet knickers!

On the more proletarian side of things –of course you pretty much HAVE to be more proletarian than velvet knickers, which btw is my new drag name– are the various gunks and goos designed for athletes:

(click images for links)

I’ve never used these products but I am intrigued.  Does anyone have experience with these products (I know there’s a Girls Only version of the stick, but it’s the same thing but with perfume and pink packaging for $5 more)? Do YOU have a handy chub rub secret?  Let me know!