I’m going to wax my legs, put on my new Lacroix espadrilles which are so fab it makes me want to DIE, and go out to Pork Chop Friday at Perry’s with some members of my very favorite vicious circle until I get myself into a pork coma.

THEN I’m going to go home, remove my Lacroix espadrilles along with every other stitch of clothing on my fine alabaster frame and –after appropriate sunscreen application (except on my tum, because my doctor said so)– am going to loll naked in the glorious Texas sun, unseen by human eye thanks to the Moroccan-style cabana cum casbah I CONSTRUCTED MYSELF (seriously, I drew the schematics and everything!) and have never gotten to properly enjoy.

HOWEVER:

Because I am a good blogger and love you all very much I will leave you with a parting gift. There is an enormous sale going on at Lane Bryant today, and if you use the code 000202077 you get 40% off your purchase over $100 and a whopping 50% off orders over $200. Except for Spanx, but that’s okay because Spanx suck, especially on Pork Chop Friday.

I am particularly fond of:

Fab little sequined skirt you’ll own for a million years

This is what happens. You buy this skirt now, but you think you’ll never wear it. Until you get called for cocktails or a nice reception or have a hot date, and you just grab it and toss on a dead simple ivory cashmere top, or a simple shell and maybe a great colored long cardi and you look fabulous and effortless and you spent about three seconds figuring out to wear. This you will do again and again for the next decade.

Painterly dirndl skirt

This reminds me of the stuff YSL and Prada have been doing the past few summers. There’s been a lot of this dirndl business around lately, and I like it. Granted it’s not the most slimming choice, but it’s not as embiggening as you might think, and besides who cares? If that’s the only thing you worry about then just buy a million black a-line dresses, get them tailored and find another hobby.

Harem-esque pants

I KNOW none of you are going to be on board with this one but I don’t care because I’m going to be so hopped up on porcine goodness that I will suffer the slings and arrows OF YOUR TOTAL WRONGNESS in beatific bliss. If you take a look at the picture of them in olive on the site, you’ll see it’s not really a dropped waist and they have these incredible side pleats on the side for drape without a ton of added fullness. I love them.

Sarong pants

I am admittedly a little less sure about these but I’ve seen them deployed really well and I’m just so curious.This whole Left Bank by way of Malaga, Rossy De Palma in the late 80’s vibe feels so fresh to me right now. I want to wear them with a slim cut gauze top and some really slick caramel leather bracelets.

Algerian blue  swimsuit

Love. It. LOVE IT. This is a broad-shouldered pear’s dream suit as it balances everything out visually and still is interesting, and, Thanks be to God, doesn’t try to suck you in and up and down and every way to Sunday like so many plus size suits. It’s on my very short list of possible swimtogs for an upcoming girls’ weekend in Las Vegas for poolside lounging.

IN CONCLUSION:

Me = naked and happy and full of pork chop
These Clothes = fabulous and on epic sale
You = shopping, possibly also naked and happy and full of pork chop, but the point is, I won’t be here to think or hear about it. I’ll catch you on the flipside.

This is a personal best for me as I usually hit my yelling-at-strangers point roughly five minutes after the first plane lands from L.A. and while I haven’t ever actually yelled at strangers and decency prevents me from wearing one of the famous “I Don’t Care About Your Band” shirts much less this little jewel:

I do find myself irked at the interlopers.

But then I think, you know, Austin is a great town. All the live music you could possibly want, good weather for most of the year (oh how I chortle at the people who complain of Austin’s humidity. Clearly they’ve never lived any place like DC) great Tex Mex, excellent universities, friendly people –t-shirts notwithstanding– and you’re pretty much allowed to do what you want and be who you are without getting bothered about it. It’s got a small town friendliness and some pretty great big city amenities, plus you get to co-opt all the great and fun things about being a Texan without ever having to touch a cow.

Today Miss Plumcake wants to know:
What’s your favorite thing about YOUR hometown? It can be where you live now or where you were born. It can be a place, an event, or just the feeling of it. I’m curious, so let me know!

We don’t really do subtlety or nuance or cynicism, all things necessary for good fashion. Austin, for all its coolness, is not a fashion city. And you know? That’s okay by me.

However, during South by Southwest, the music and film festival that brings a bazillion people streaming into my town this week from all over the world, a sort of Underground railroad of fashion springs up.

Last night I went to an event at one of the stops and it necessitated Serious Fashion Makeup.

Now, I don’t get to do a full on editorial makeup often, so I decided to do a look inspired by the MAC Style Warrior visuals from S/S of last year:

I was particularly inspired by Sam Chapman’s tutorial on her version of the look which had a little bit more of a 1920’s feel that suits me better than the 80’s redux of the MAC visuals.

Since it was a bit misty last night and I knew I had a few stops to make before returning to Château Gâteau for the evening, I wanted to make sure the makeup stayed in place BUT I didn’t want to use a hardcore fixative.

Enter Make Up For Ever HD Microperfecting Primer.

I don’t own a full bottle of this, I just got it as a free sample of the neutral (white in the bottle, goes on clear) from Sephora.   This look lasted all night through three venues and a brief episode where I got caught in a light rain.  I pressed the pigment powders onto the skin while the primer hadn’t completely absorbed and let me tell you, although it blended beautifully, that makeup wasn’t going ANYWHERE.

This stuff is great and I highly, HIGHLY recommend it, especially if you have problems with make-up “traveling”  or if you choose not to use oil-based products on the eye (I can’t because it’s bad for my eyelash extensions). I couldn’t feel it on my face, the look stayed flawlessly loud and it washed right off with a cleansing pad.

Verdict: Two Enthusiastic Bottoms Up

“Omg this is so unfair.  Is he really not wearing the hat? The email said we HAD to wear the hat. It’s like he doesn’t even CARE it’s Esther Williams’ birthday. He is SO not getting my evite for the Million Dollar Mermaid watch party.”

“Dear God, it’s been uh, a really long time since my last, uh, confession. I’ve probably done a lot of bad stuff I can’t remember now. I forgot to wear the hat and now I’m not going to get invited to Colin’s Million Dollar Mermaid thing. But before  I die,  I really want to see James Heaslip finish his choreography for that Beyonce song. Amen.”

“Yeah kinda like this, but you know, imagine we’re in leotards and I’ve got a sort of reticulated metal glove. No trust me, It looks fierce.”

“…And then get this, HE says ‘If you like it then you shoulda put a ring on it!’  I’m like DAMN, you’ve already got that scary-ass  robot glove. What more do you want?”

“NO! I don’t even UNDERSTAND that glove.  Then what happened?”

“He was all like, you never listen.  You’ve always got your head miles away, stuck between some guys’ thighs. What about my needs?”

“You’re a GREAT listener. Remember when that hooker  stole my wallet in Prague? You were totally there for me, and hello! You’re not the one with the robot claw! Ohmigoddon’tlook.”

“What?!”

“No seriously, don’t look! OMG he’s SHAMELESS. Doesn’t he know you’re WITH somebody?GOD. Just pretend you don’t see him. Oh geeze, he’s made eye contact. Sigh…it’s just not your lucky day.”

The number of pairs of athletic shoes I have purchases in my life number exactly two.

One pair of Vans skate shoes purchased back in 1999 for some yet unknown reason, which I wore twice before giving them to my friend Craig who probably still wears them, and one pair of no-name gym shoes in 2004 that I bought because they were black and matched the rest of my workout gear. I still have the right shoe, but clearly the same person who stole my right Pour la Victoire patent leather pump with the red scoop heel has made off with my left sneaker (honestly, isn’t that much more likely than me accidentally leaving them some place?)

But I’ve not been able to shake my yearning for a pair of green tennies for weeks and, being a classicist even in my casualwear, I have narrowed it down to the following:

Onitsuka Tigers by ASICS “Lawnship”

Pros:

• I love the leather construction, and the padding looks dead comfortable.
• The laces and lime-green lining are great and very fashiony-in-a-good-way.
• Red soles! As a fashion person I think I’d get a little self-mocking giggle out of having a pair of red-soled shoes that so OBVIOUSLY aren’t Louboutins.
• My pal Joey –who is a sneaker savant– says Onitsuka Tigers are the best made shoes he’s ever worn, and since he’s spent most of his working life covering sports, I’ve got to think he’s had access to a lot of high-performance footwear.

Cons:

• Iconic, but are they iconic enough? If I’m going to wear sneakers, I want them to be within a defined fashion vocabulary.
• Socks. I hate them.  Esp. when visible. Do they make sock that are low rise enough to not make their presence know and still stay on, or do I have to find one with deely boppers on the back?
• A little more butch than my ideal personal aesthetic?

Converse Chuck Taylor All-Stars Hi Tops

Pros:

• Classic classic classic. They are THE iconic athletic shoe.
• Hi tops potentially easier to wear vis a vis the sock issue.
• Would be cute with a variation on the jules et jim boyfriend jeans look, which is what I’m wanting.

Cons:

• I hate buying fabric shoes as I don’t trust them not to fall apart at the seams
• Not as well-constructed or padded as the Tigers. Would I want to work out in them? (Am I even planning on working out in them anyway?)
• Laces are boring and white, and while I could replace them, I know myself well enough to say I probably wouldn’t.

What say you, loyal readers?  Put it in the comments!

Be sure to read the commentary from E. McBloggerton on The Daily Ridiculous.

Mister Bumble, pictured here in portlier times.

Also, can we all agree that if one were to take on a career as a corpulent pet skunk, Mister Bumble is just about the most perfect name you could possibly have?

Don’t forget to read about the overweight albino pygmy hedgehog featuring perhaps the greatest sentence ever committed to virtual paper:

“At St Tiggywinkles Wildlife Hospital in Buckinghamshire, UK, Snowball the albino hedgehog needs to shed some pounds.”

I’m of three minds about this.

Mind One: I’ve done a little research on the Feeder relationship (if you can, get a copy of Fall 2009’s Bitch Magazine, there is an excellent article on the sexual politics of Feeding by Jessica Hester. Also there’s an interesting-in-a-dry-academic-way scientific study in the Journal of Sex Research by Swamee and Tovée 46(1), 89–96, 2009) and I don’t like it one bit. I have a really hard time understanding why someone who purportedly loves you would abuse you and help you abuse yourself by doing something that’s drastically bad for you to the point where, they would take away your freedom of mobility, ultimately making you completely dependent on them just to satisfy their own desires. AND YOU LET THEM??? That’s some messed up stuff.

Mind Two: That being said, they’re grown adults and it’s not really any of our business what they do as long as her child is being taken care of. We can get all shocked and judgy, which is what we’re supposed to do. But psst, wanna know a secret? People Like Weird Things. Trust me. I dated a guy who went to Catholic school before Vatican II. You can only be hit by nuns for so many years before it takes its toll on your psyche.

Mind Three: Hey, thanks for reinforcing the stereotype that fat people are freaks who live on doughnuts and sweets! Because you know, it’s been SO easy to fight for fat acceptance and just be treated like normal human beings. Now, I don’t think the reading public is dumb enough to necessarily think all fat people are like her, but it does subtly lend credibility to fatbashers. I can work my vegetable-eating, workout-getting, healthy lifestyle-leading, size 22 ass off day in and day out FOR YEARS and it can all be negated, or almost negated, by one sensationalist interview from a lady with a very specific and unusual fetish.

PLUS, what better way to help the anti-fat brigade than by becoming unhealthy ON PURPOSE so everyone can get up in arms about how much money fat people are costing the government in health care? Because I’m not sure if you’ve noticed it yet, but we’re having a BIT OF A ROUGH TIME OF IT RIGHT NOW and it’s not quite expensive or difficult ENOUGH to be fat in this country, you’re willingly becoming the poster child of the folks who want to make it even harder. Thanks, Donna, you’re a real pal.

First of all, he was a fellow Episcopalian which I didn’t know until about 20 seconds ago but it doesn’t surprise me. No one can have THAT much style and THAT damaged a liver and NOT be a member of the Anglican Communion.

Secondly, he liked strong, straight-talking women which isn’t really a surprise either, since his illustrator mother was a committed suffragist and the main breadwinner in his family.

So we all know he and the much-younger (and dead fabulous) Lauren Bacall after they fell in love on the set of “To Have and Have Not” in 1944, BUT did you know Our Lady of the Scotch Soaked Voice was nineteen, NINETEEN, when she taught Bogie how to blow in To Have and Have Not in 1944?

(btw, do we know who “discovered” Lauren Bacall? Louise Dahl-Wolfe and my very own heroine, Diana Vreeland)

Which isn’t to say Bogie wasn’t occasionally swayed by body parts other than a sharp tongue:

(busted)

My favorite Bogart movie is, by far, The Big Sleep.

It has all the darkness of The Maltese Falcon (my second favorite Bogie picture, also directed by John Huston) plus better roles for women.  Of course it probably comes down to whether you’re a Raymond Chandler or a Dashiell Hammett kinda girl (I am the former, even though I adore The Thin Man like all right-thinking people do).

So cool. Don’t smoke, but if you HAVE to smoke, smoke like this.

And do we even have to talk about how he wore a trenchcoat better than anyone else on earth, with the possible exception of Katharine Hepburn in Woman of the Year?

No friends, we do not.

Of course his most famous film is Casablanca, often considered THE great film of Hollywood’s golden age, if you haven’t seen it, you must. In fact you really need to see all the flicks mentioned here.  Casablanca’s not my favorite film. My grandmother looks too much like Ingrid Bergman so I’m always waiting for Ilsa to turn to the camera, tell me to sit up straight, lose weight and enumerate the ways I disappoint her.

This is about the only time I find a shawl collar on a dinner jacket even remotely palatable. I know there’s nothing wrong with them per se, but I like a peaked lapel.  Somehow on Bogie it just works.

One of his last great films, and the one for which he won his only Oscar, was The African Queen.  Filmed in 1952 and one of his only color pictures, he and Hepburn The Greater made one of the great odd couples in cinematic history.  You’d think since I’m a church-going woman I’d identify more with The Hep’s straightlaced missionary, but there’s just something about Bogie that strikes a familiar chord.

Maybe it’s the hat.

First up isn’t really a blog since it’s the Boston Globe, but Miss Conduct has a fat-related question and a typically spot on answer to it today.

Over at Shapely Prose, snarkysmachine has a fabulous five-step guide to getting in touch with your inner Samuel L. Jackson to deal with general douchebaggery. Plummy doesn’t need this one, but I definitely needed a refresher course, and it’s great to see it out there.

This one isn’t so much this week as about a month ago, but any of you who missed The Fat Nutritionist’s column Eat food. Stuff you like. As much as you want really ought to go check it out.

Rachel at The F-Word promotes a Canadian campaign to combat unrealistic body images/ideals. Go. Read about it. Support it.

Oh, and this is just for Plummy in honor of the day:

Anyway.

Since I was baking all these cakes (well, two layer cakes and a triple batch of cupcakes) for a milestone birthday party for a friend, I did a lot of old standbys for dinner this week, too. Roast chicken is a fave of mine, since I can then concentrate entirely on side dishes for a day or two after and then make chicken stock.

It’s fun sometimes, though, to spruce up a simple roast chicken with a fun sauce. I decided to give that a go this week, and to go Medieval in honor of our dear, departed Francesca, who loves a good Renaissance Faire as much as I do.

One of my favorite websites is Gode Cookery. It’s a great source for historical recipes from Ancient Rome up to the 17th century. There’s also a smattering of modern recipes that would work well with those more ancient concoctions, but those are clearly marked for those who wish to stay as authentic as possible.

Sauce Gingyuer, the one I chose, dates back to the 15th century, and is pitifully easy:

Take white brede, stepe it with vynegre, and draw it .ij. or .iij. tymes thurgh a straynour; and thanne put ther-to poudre gingere, and serue forthe.

Got that? No? Perhaps the modern translation complete with proportions will be helpful.

Ingredients

1 Cup wine vinegar (I used white, but red would work just fine, too)

1/2 Cup white breadcrumbs, very finely ground (I left them a little coarse because I like the texture, but don’t make them too big or they’ll just soak up the vinegar and leave you with bread lumps rather than sauce)

2 tsp powdered ginger, or to taste (Mr. Twistie and I are both huge ginger fans, so I was a tiny bit generous, keeping in mind that I didn’t want to completely overwhelm the subtle flavors of chicken with too aggressive a sauce)

In a bowl, combine vinegar, crumbs, and ginger. Stir well together and allow to sit for about an hour. Whisk sauce well before serving.

Yields one cup sauce. (I will double this next time, because Mr. Twistie pounced on it like a starving man and I had to fight to get some.)

Note (from website): Some sauces are easier to adapt than others. This is a great sauce and goes well with meat, fish or fowl. In Harlien MS 4016 this sauce is recommended for boiled gunard.

I don’t think they carry gunard at my local market. Hmmm….