Manolo for the Big Girl Fashion, Lifestyle, and Humor for the Plus Sized Woman.

Oh man, do I love quinceañeras. They are all-singing, all-dancing explosions of almost invariably bad taste and I can’t get enough. Sure there are Sweet Sixteen parties and the prom, but those are small party potatoes compared to the pure unadulterated garishness that can only be achieved when an entire extended family gets together to realize the most lurid tulle-filled fantasies harbored deep in the rhinestone and zebra print corners of a 15 year-old girl’s mind.

I have always been a big proponent of youthful excess. I wore tasteful, elegant evening gowns to all my teenage soirees and now I regret it. Why? Because now that’s all I can wear, at least without suffering some unwanted social repercussions.

It is with fondness –and full admission I might wear this for my quince-themed birthday party next year– that I present to you the latest object for Whisky Tango Foxtrot.

You all remember the rules, right? Give me a situation, the kookier the better, where this would be an appropriate outfit. To make things a bit more challenging, this time we’ll rule out references to quinceañeras, Cyndi Lauper and Gay Pride Parades.

Hit me with your best shot! Fire away-ay-ay.

Greetings and salutations my plus-size pals. How is every little thing?

I’m okay. I made the mistake of watching the Real Madrid vs Apoel match which featured an Apoel player slamming his face into his teammate’s shoulder so hard his teeth came flying out of his head like calcified confetti.

*shudder*

I have Serious Teeth Issues and cannot handle any sort of destructive dental doin’s, so naturally I spent the next 20 hours curled in the fetal position watching Fantasia and drinking Thorazine milkshakes with a very-nearly-lifesize stuffed tiger.

You know, like a normal person.

It was in that delicate state I judged the winners of last week’s Whisky Tango Foxtrot competition, wherein I asked you fine folks to give me a situation appropriate for the donning of these doozies:

As usual, there are several awards to bestow before the grand prize.

By popular demand, long-time commenter TeleriB wins the sparkly Circlet of Cthulhu, made with real imitation Swarovski crystals and glitter-encrusted tentacles suitable for all your nerdgirl needs for her comment:

“A gallery opening in R’lyeh.”

With honorable mention going to Andrea for:

“I think they just might add a touch of whimsy that your silver minidress needs when you are running from the Carousel with Michael York.”

Even though that confused me because when I think minidress + Michael York, I think Liza and Cabaret so I was all “was there a carousel scene in Cabaret? I don’t think there was a carousel scene in Cabaret…wait, was there a carousel scene in Cabaret?”

Took me a while to get the Logan’s Run reference.

Sidenote: The Hunger Games = Logan’s Run with less in the way of futuristic chiffon caftans, right? Just checking.

First commenter Melissa has earned her induction into the Crystal Order of the Chubby Conch for setting the literary standards high with

“I’m pretty sure the only acceptable situation for these shoes is if I’m stuck on the island in Lord of the Flies and they’ve given up on Piggy and are coming after me, and I need to stab some little pre-pubescent punks with a stiletto.”

But it is latecomer Jenny who wins this week’s contest (plus a lifetime supply of stain remover) for her variation on the witches’ prophecy for the doomed thane in Act 4, scene 1 of Macbeth:

“When Birnam Wood hath come to Dunsinane. And invites you to tea with the Macbeths, and the Kardashians.”

Fun fact: Your pal Plumcake is pretty well directly descended from Gruoch MacDuff, Queen of Alba, more popularly known as Lady Macbeth. That goes a long way to explain the general likeability of the women in my family and also spells a guaranteed win for anyone who brings up The Scottish Play.

Congratulations Jenny and everyone who played. Join us next time for more adventures in Whisky Tango Foxtrot!

Well!

There were fifty four responses to last week’s Return to Whisky Tango Foxtrot wherein I asked readers to give the situation for which wearing this outfit would be appropriate.

I’m a little disappointed that no one suggested it was a part of an art installation describing how a salmon would look dressed as Diana Ross and jumping through a pile of raw chitterlings (that’s chitlins, y’all) but I’m hoping it’s because none of you have had the misfortune of seeing a pile of comestible pig intestines. **shudder** you can’t unring that visual bell.

Most of you dutifully shied away from The Little Mermaid and Las Vegas references, a rule I added to make the game a bit more challenging, although SarahDances wins the Reading Comprehension Medal of Fail for her nonetheless amusing submission:

“You’re starring in an all-mermaid production of “Gone with the Wind” set in Las Vegas, where Tara is a casino, instead of a plantation.”

Don’t worry SarahDances, we still love you.

Reader Ravna wins the highly-coveted Ribbon of Sincerely Sincere Sincerity (awarded to anyone whose response is so heartfelt and sincere that it makes me feel like I should be strapping a single antler to the family dog and endeavoring to steal –among other things– a roast beast) with her two comments:

All these replies and NO ONE thought that this would be good for a Carnevale themed wedding or as a more demure Carnevale costume if you so happen to be in Rio de Janeiro when it goes down?
If I knew I was going to Rio I’d buy that one and salsa it on the streets!
On a completely personal plane I think it’s awfully tacky and would never use it for any other purpose.

I also would like to add that a gown as loud as that requires more bold makeup and a out of the world hairdo plus a steamroller personality so the gown doesn’t overtake you.

The poor girl in the picture is swallowed up because she looks far too plain for the dress.

Ravna, you’re a ray of sunshine in the bat-infested blackness of my soul. Don’t ever change!

Thea’s suggestion of a Drag Quinceañera warmed cockles I didn’t even know I had, and makes me wish they had such things in my part Mexico. Alas, it has been my experience that there is hyper-sequined polyester chiffon and there is satire, and never EVER the twain shall meet.
All the readers who noticed how closely the skirt resembled a fluffy mountain of unrolled latex prophylactics are to be commended and will be in charge of the Safety Dance table at the MftBG Prom should such an event occur, but it is Bushpiglet who wins this WTF-Off with her comment:

“She looks as if she escaped from my Nana’s bathroom and is on the run from the toilet roll she managed to ditch down a side street somewhere.”

with honorable mention going to Mel, who first came up with the toilet paper doll theme.

Congratulations all, and many thanks to the creative and the realistic (you can’t deny it would be perfectly appropriate for a traveler wedding). Join me again soon for new adventures in Whisky Tango Foxtrot!

Hurrah, it’s the return of Whisky Tango Foxtrot!

If you recall, last time we played, we featured a pair of purple lurex platform court shoes with peacock plumes attached at the quarter. Classy. Some of you thought these were the prettiest things since Eve’s kicky little figleaf number and some of you who apparently HADN’T been huffing extraordinary quantities of glue/spray paint/some other brain damaging chemical offered a host of entertaining scenarios wherein those sparkly purple monstrosities would be suitable attire.

Today I offer you this confection.

I’ve gone on record before as saying I wish I’d worn something ridiculous and frivolous to my high school prom, because as one ages, one’s ability to dress like a disco-crazy rainbow fish emerging majestically from a sea of LSD-infused lemon meringue without a twinge of irony becomes greatly diminished. Sad.

Still, when I came across this, uh, subtle piece of evening wear, I thought it would make a great second entry to our Whisky Tango Foxtrot featurette.

You know the drill. Give me a situation wherein this would be a totally appropriate outfit. Just to make it more challenging, no submissions may refer to Las Vegas OR The Little Mermaid. Too easy.

Have at it and next week I’ll post my favorite submissions!